Teach-Them-Well-and-Let-Them-Lead-the-Way Fail

The Teen Choice Awards were filmed last night, and in order to quell any inkling of curiosity any of you might have about the show (which airs tonight on FOX), here’s a rundown of the winners. Twilight, of course, won 11 of the 12 categories for which it was nominated. And just to give you an idea of how painfully awful these awards are, Marley and Me won for best Bromantic Comedy, and George freakin’ Lopez was for best comedian. And I don’t even know who spawned the Best Celebrity Baby. Probably a Jonas Brother.

While looking over the list, I took a Tums after each award winner that upset my stomach. I went through two bottles. There is not one single winner among this list that, in any way, gives me hope for the future. Not a single one (well, maybe Bo Obama for best pet). And now I have late onset gastric reflux. It feels like I swallowed a car battery in my sleep.

So, for today’s Pajiba PSA: If you see a teenager while you’re out and about today, kill it. No mercy. Just snuff it out. Smother it with a Twilight pillow. In ten years, they’ll end up taking your job anyway.

CHOICE MOVIE: ACTION ADVENTURE
X-Men Origins: Wolverine

CHOICE MOVIE: DRAMA
Twilight

CHOICE MOVIE: ROMANCE
Twilight

CHOICE MOVIE: BROMANTIC COMEDY
Marley & Me

CHOICE MOVIE: COMEDY
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

CHOICE MOVIE: HORROR/THRILLER
Friday the 13th

CHOICE MOVIE: MUSIC/DANCE
High School Musical 3: Senior Year

CHOICE MOVIE ACTOR: DRAMA
Robert Pattinson, Twilight

CHOICE MOVIE ACTRESS: DRAMA
Kristen Stewart, Twilight

CHOICE MOVIE ACTOR: ACTION ADVENTURE
Hugh Jackman, X-Men Origins: Wolverine

CHOICE MOVIE ACTRESS: ACTION ADVENTURE
Jordana Brewster, Fast & Furious

CHOICE MOVIE ACTOR: COMEDY
Zac Efron, 17 Again

CHOICE MOVIE ACTRESS: COMEDY
Anne Hathaway, Bride Wars

CHOICE MOVIE ACTRESS: MUSIC/DANCE
Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana: The Movie

CHOICE MOVIE ACTOR: MUSIC/DANCE
Zac Efron, High School Musical 3: Senior Year

CHOICE MOVIE: VILLIAN
Cam Gigandet, Twilight

CHOICE MOVIE: FRESH FACE FEMALE
Ashley Greene, Twilight

CHOICE MOVIE: FRESH FACE MALE
Taylor Lautner, Twilight

CHOICE SUMMER MOVIE: DRAMA
My Sister’s Keeper

CHOICE SUMMER MOVIE: COMEDY
Up

CHOICE SUMMER MOVIE: ROMANCE
The Proposal

CHOICE SUMMER MOVIE: ACTION ADVENTURE
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

CHOICE SUMMER MOVIE STAR: MALE
Shia LaBeouf, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

CHOICE SUMMER MOVIE STAR: FEMALE
Megan Fox, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

CHOICE MOVIE HISSY FIT
Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana: The Movie

CHOICE TV SHOW: DRAMA
Gossip Girl

CHOICE TV SHOW: ACTION ADVENTURE
Heroes

CHOICE TV SHOW: COMEDY
Hannah Montana

CHOICE TV: ANIMATED SHOW
SpongeBob SquarePants

CHOICE TV: REALITY
The Hills

CHOICE TV: REALITY MUSIC COMPETITION
American Idol

CHOICE TV ACTOR: DRAMA
Chace Crawford, Gossip Girl

CHOICE TV ACTRESS: DRAMA
Leighton Meester, Gossip Girl

CHOICE TV ACTOR: ACTION ADVENTURE
Tom Welling, Smallville

CHOICE TV ACTRESS: ACTION ADVENTURE
Hayden Panettiere, Heroes

CHOICE TV ACTOR: COMEDY
Jonas Brothers, JONAS

CHOICE TV ACTRESS: COMEDY
Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana

CHOICE TV: PERSONALITY
Ryan Seacrest, American Idol / E! News

CHOICE TV: BREAKOUT STAR FEMALE
Demi Lovato, Sonny With a Chance

CHOICE TV: BREAKOUT STAR MALE
Frankie Jonas, JONAS

CHOICE TV: MALE REALITY/VARIETY STAR
Adam Lambert, American Idol

CHOICE TV: FEMALE REALITY/VARIETY STAR
Lauren Conrad, The Hills

CHOICE TV: VILLAIN
Ed Westwick, Gossip Girl

CHOICE FAB-U-LOUS!
Miss Jay, America’s Next Top Model

CHOICE TV: SIDEKICK
Emily Osment, Hannah Montana

CHOICE TV: LATE NIGHT SHOW
Chelsea Lately

CHOICE TV: PARENTAL UNIT
Billy Ray Cyrus, Hannah Montana

CHOICE COMEDIAN
George Lopez

CHOICE CELEBRITY ACTIVIST
Hayden Panettiere

CHOICE CELEBRITY PET
Bo Obama

CHOICE CELEBRITY BABY
Honor Marie Warren

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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