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"I Have 30 Years of Experience Entertaining Fine Americans Just Like You"

By Seth Freilich | Industry | October 8, 2009 |

By Seth Freilich | Industry | October 8, 2009 |

Holy fucktard. While watching the Phillies obtain a decisive game 1 win yesterday (come on, Dustin, Cliff Lee’s your fellow Benton-born Razorback — come root for a winning team!), I saw a commercial for televised hell. Starting next month, TBS is apparently getting into the late night talk game with “Lopez Tonight.” And yes, the titular Lopez would be George hijo-de-puta Lopez, the supremely unfunny fucknut who previously polluted our TVs for six atrocious seasons of ABC’s “George Lopez.” I’m fucking flabbergasted at this revelation because Lopez is without a question one of the least funny “comedians” on the national scale. Lookit — I loathe Dane Cook with almost every fiber of my being, yet I’d take in a dozen Cook shows before suffering through a single hour of Lopez’s shtick.

Look at this video from the new show’s site (which I will not link to) for an example of some fine Lopezian satire:


ABC canceled Lopez’s crappy show right around the time it made the unwise decision to give a 13-episode pickup to “Cavemen” and Lopez went bananas about it. At the time, I wrote about why George Lopez sucks (amusingly, that post comes up fourth in Google when you do a search for “george lopez sucks” — I’m pretty proud of that!):

And speaking of putting out fires, can I be the first to piss on George Lopez and put him out? Please. See, Lopez is raging after the cancellation of his show. ABC’s position is that the show would’ve been a money pit for the network, had it been renewed, but Lopez says that’s crap. He feels entitled (entitled!) to another season so the show can wrap up loose storylines. Plus, because his show outperforms “Notes from the Underbelly” (which was renewed) he plays — you guessed it — the race card: “TV just became really, really white again.” (No, George, it just became ever-so-funnier again. Because even if everything new is total crap, crap is funnier than you.) And in reference to (mother fucking) “Cavemen,” Lopez said, “so a Chicano can’t be on TV, but a caveman can? And a Chicano with an audience already?” And here’s the kicker … the clincher … Lopez called his show “an important show.” … … Fuck you buddy. Long and hard. You egotistical, bitter, unfunny twit.

Talk about an ungrateful cara de culo. ABC gave him six awful seasons — 120 motherfucking episodes, letting his garbage hit syndication — and he acts like he should’ve had six more, when the only funny thing he’s ever said is that he’s a “comedian” and an “entertainer.” So yeah, I guess I’m saying I’m not a fan of George mal-parido Lopez.

On the plus side, however, with Jay Leno having moved from late night to 10 p.m., I guess someone had to take over the reigns of being the least funny late night host. So congrats on that, Lopez!

Seth is a Senior Editor and sometime critic. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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