Hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry!
That’s a fantastic vibe to be around. When I tune in to a once-a-year awards show, I’m really thankful when they can approximate the kind of manic stress of trying to get my kids out the door in time for school every morning. Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go! We’re gonna be late! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKK!
Why are the Oscars rolling music over anyone? That’s my question. Why? Because people are in a hurry to get to the late local news? I hope we git to see who wins best piktchure so’s I kin see who get raped and arsoned and shot in my metropolitan area! What is the fucking rush, people? Yes. It’s a long show. There’s a lot to cover. The Oscars need to take a page out of the Super Bowl playbook and own it: We’re going to be here for a while. That’s just the way it is.
This happens every year. And it’s annoying. Let people speak their piece. The best thing about last night’s Academy Awards was the people and the things they care about. That was the best thing! Louis C.K. making (fantastic) jokes about the people who win the doc short category and then out comes Pakistani journalist and filmmaker Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy and THEY ROLL MUSIC OVER HER AS SHE’S SAYING THAT BECAUSE OF HER FILM THEY’RE REEVALUATING THE RITUAL OF HONOR KILLING.
Yeah, fuck that! What’s honor killing when you have a fucking girl scout gag to run?
Get that money, girls! Lou Gossett Jr’s got motherfucking diabeetus!
Let Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy speak, you pricks. She’s making a goddamn difference in the world. You want to know how Donald Motherfucking Trump happens? He happens inside a populace where people care more about commercial breaks than HONOR KILLINGS.
We’re spending all night lamenting #OSCARSSOWHITE and winking about our casual racism and lack of diversity and then WE’RE ROLLING MUSIC OVER THE MEXICAN WHO WON BEST DIRECTOR!
And then, a few minutes later, we’re letting the WHITE BEST ACTOR GIVE A FUCKING ELEVEN MINUTE VICTORY LAP SPEECH WITH NARY THE WAYWARD PLINK OF A HIGH C.
You want to know how casual racism happens? IT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ROLL MUSIC OVER MEXICANS AND NOT OVER CAUCASIANS. HOLY FUCK I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.
Listen. I get it. Productions are on a time frame. They always have been and always will be, so maybe cut the speech from the motherfucking president of the NOBODY GIVES A FUCK AWARD. Does anyone give a shit about this? No. The answer is no. I’m not saying that Cheryl Boone Isaacs isn’t a lovely person. I’m saying if I have to give up something to get more response time from winners, the “Academy President’s Message” gets Robespierre’d.
And I love Cate Blanchett with every fiber of my being, but I don’t need to see her lolling across the stage explaining costuming as bartenders re-position racks in a Banana Republic behind her.
Save that time.
Because I want to hear things like this:
“There are days you’re going to feel sad, you’re going to feel angry, you’re going to feel scared, that’s nothing you can choose. But you can make stuff. Make films. Draw. Write. It’ll make a world of difference. ” — Pete Docter, best animation winner for Inside Out
Fuck yeah, Pete Docter. Get down with your bad self.
“So what a great opportunity to our generation, to really liberate ourselves from all prejudice and this tribal thinking, and make sure for once and forever that the color of skin become as irrelevant as the length of our hair. This is for my father, thank you very much!” — Alejandro G. Inarritu, best director winner for The Revenant
That’s basically the ‘I have a dream’ speech. Let’s roll music over it.
“No openly gay man had ever won an Oscar, if this is the case, even if it isn’t the case, I want to dedicate it this to the LGBT community all around the world. I stand here tonight as a proud gay man, and I hope we can all stand together as equals. Thank you so much.” — Sam Smith, best original song winner for “Writing’s on the Wall” for Spectre
Atta boy, Sam Smith. Because you can be a boy and love other boys and IT’S FUCKING OKAY IN 2016 AND PEOPLE NEED TO SAY IT. JOIN US IN THE FUTURE, FUCKING HAYSEEDS. THIS WORLD DOESN’T HAVE TO TURN INTO SOME OF US LIVING ON A GODDAMN GERM-FREE ELYSIUM IN SPACE AND LEAVING THE REST OF YOU HERE TO WATCH REALITY TV AND SMELL YOUR FINGERS BUT SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE IT.
Yes, everyone wants to see the winners. Okay, fine. But let’s hear what those winners have to say! Let’s give them a fucking second before we roll out
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS WHOM I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART BUT HAVE NO PLACE AT THE GODDAMN OSCARS. IT WOULD SCARE PEOPLE TO KNOW HOW MUCH I KNOW ABOUT EACH OF THESE DROIDS INDIVIDUALLY AND EVEN I KNOW THIS ISN’T DISNEYWORLD MOTHERFUCKERS! DO YOU REALIZE THAT TWO OF THE THREE PERFORMERS IN THIS BIT ONLY SPEAK DROID LANGUAGE? WHO GREENLIT THIS IDEA? A FUCKING DONKEY IN A BANANA SUIT? WHAT IN THE EVERLIVING FUCK ARE THEY THINKING? I DON’T WANT TO HEAR C3PO’S UNFUNNY SHIT. C3PO IS A GODDAMN PROTOCOL DROID, MOTHERFUCKERS! HE’S ONLY FUNNY IN RELATION TO SOMETHING ELSE, OTHERWISE HE’S JUST A DODDERING METAL BUTLER. GODDAMN IT, I WANT TO HEAR THIS:
“What another lovely day… it could be horribly prophetic, Mad Max, if we’re not kinder to each other and we don’t stop polluting our atmosphere.” — Jenny Beavan, best costume design winner for Mad Max: Fury Road
But I couldn’t. And do you know why?
BECAUSE THEY ROLLED MUSIC OVER IT.
Oh I’m sorry, Jenny Beavan, hon! If you want to have unfettered access to an unmusic’d mic try having more of a PENIS.
If you’re going to roll music over some people, you can’t cherry pick women and minorities! You have to roll music over everyone. AND YOU SHOULDN’T. FOR FUCK’S SAKE. THEY ROLLED MUSIC OVER RIDLEY SCOTT AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES WHILE HE WAS ACCEPTING FOR BEST PICTURE!
You want to know what provokes my death curse? It’s when Ridley Scott is mentioning his departed brother Tony Scott and the Globes are rolling music over it. Holy effing shit. I may never recover.
I don’t know what kind of man you were, Tony Scott, but your work made me feel things. R.I.P.
What I’m saying is don’t ever roll music over anyone.
Don’t roll music over anyone.
It’s uncouth and obnoxious and shouldn’t be allowed in polite society. We want to hear what people have to say. Some of these people will only have a few seconds to say things like this:
“Even in the darkest hours of mankind, there might be a voice within that allows us to remain human, that’s the hope of this film.” —Laszlo Nemes, best foreign-language film winner for Son of Saul
Yes, Lazlo! That’s a message I can get behind. Let’s tattoo that goddamn message onto the FOREHEADS OF THE MOTHERFUCKING REPUBLICAN DOUCHENOZZLES ON THE SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE. Okay, maybe that’s not exactly in the spirit of the comment, but seriously, FUCK THOSE GUYS.
Lastly, and probably most importantly, I’ve never seen so many women in sleeveless dresses in my life. Was there a clearance sale at Dress Barn?
And what’s with the huge glasses cum sleeveless dress combo? Where’d all these awkward sophomores come from?
But really, let’s — wait — what is that? I see the light flashing and WAIT — ARE YOU ROLLING MUSIC OVER ME?
OKAY, UM, I’D LIKE TO SAY THAT- SHIT - SO MUCH PRESSURE. IT’S GOOD WHEN THINGS ARE BROUGHT INTO THE OPEN AND AND WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT STACEY DASH THING? AND UM - SO MUCH PRESSURE - THANK GOD ENNIO MORRICONE WON AND EVEN THOUGH I ENJOYED JENNIFER JASON LEIGH’S PERFORMANCE I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS OSCAR NOM WORTHY AND ADAM MCKAY IS A STUD IF I’VE SAID IT ONCE I’VE SAID IT A THOUSAND TIMES THE FACT THAT THERE ARE NO AWARDS FOR COMEDY IN THE OSCARS IS A FUCKING CRIME. YOU TRY TO WRITE A JOKE, MOTHERFUCKERS. ONE JOKE. IT’S HARD AS FUCK AND ADAM MCKAY COMES FROM THE COMEDY WORLD SO IT FELT LIKE A VICTORY IN ANOTHER WAY TOO AND WHY WERE PEOPLE GIVING LEO A STANDING OVATION? IT TOOK PEOPLE LIKE SEVEN MINUTES FOR PEOPLE TO GET ON THEIR FEET FOR ENNIO AND MEANWHILE LEO WINS AND SUDDENLY EVERYONE IS ARSENIO HALL? WHAT THE HELL? IT WAS NOT THE BEST ACTING PERFORMANCE BY A MAN. IT WASN’T EVEN THE BEST PERFORMANCE OF HIS CAREER. AND IT KIND OF REMINDED ME OF WHEN MCCONAUGHEY WON FOR LOSING A SHITLOAD OF WEIGHT AND BEING ON TRUE DETECTIVE FOR DALLAS BUYERS CLUB AND CHEWY EJIOFOR IS LIKE HI I JUST DID 12 YEARS A SLAVE, PEOPLE, HELLO? I THINK I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS, CHIWETEL MUST HAVE BEEN MAINLINING THEM. THE DIFFICULTY OF THE SHOOT SHOULD HAVE ZERO TO DO WITH A FAIR EVALUATION OF THE PERFORMANCE. I LIKE LEO AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY BUT REALLY? HE HAD A NICE MESSAGE THOUGH. EVERYONE DID. THAT’S WHY YOU DON’T ROLL MUSIC LIKE YOU ARE TO ME RIGHT NOW. UGH THIS IS SO TOUGH - UM, OKAY CHICAGO WINNING BEST PICTURE ONE YEAR WAS A ROGER GOODELL LEVEL OF COMPLETE BULLSHIT AND SEXY OPEN SHIRT MORGAN FREEMAN IS MY LEAST FAVORITE MORGAN FREEMAN AND HOLY SHIT WAS THAT ACTUALLY A REAL, WORKING BB8 ON STAGE? WHERE CAN I GET ONE, LIKE, YESTERDAY? UM AND DON’T LITTER AND DON’T VOTE FOR MONSTERS AND, LIKE, CAN WE ALL JUST TRY TO RECYCLE MORE AND LET’S ALL BE EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER AND PARTY ON GARTH AND AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH.
Please, Academy. I beg you. Please stop being rude to your winners. You wouldn’t play music over someone in your real life. Don’t do it on television.
I bid you good day.