Like many a modern woman, I like to feel cute while cozy in the winter months. Sure, I have a plethora of pajama pants in plenty of plaid patterns. But hey, I also have form-fitting, fashionable fleece leggings. I have sweatshirts I swim in, but also ones snug and some v-necked. I can bring some sex appeal into my spooning attire. But there are limits. Because however cute I may want to appear in my cuddly winter gear, it still must be functional.
So. What. The. Fuck. Is. This.
What the fuck is this cluttering up my Facebook feed? It’s Aerie’s “Henley Romper,” A.K.A. the most bullshit piece of clothing to ever exist.
Look. I love a romper, in theory. I see young women cavort in them, and I think, ‘Oh my, she looks so stylish! So carefree!’ But then I inevitably ponder, ‘How does she pee in that?’ So, once at a party after too many hard ciders, I asked a romper wearer that very question. Thankfully, she was also tipsy or maybe she was just aching to spill her sartorial secrets, because she admitted what I longed feared: “I have to take the WHOLE thing down to pee, and then hold onto it, because bathroom floors are gross.”
Right. Yes. Exactly! And look, I won’t judge a fellow woman’s choice to make that sacrifice for style. Because yes, summer rompers are chic AF. And we all have different priorities, and sisters I wish you well on all your fashion journeys, even when it means one-handing your duds to avoid mysterious restroom floor liquids (that is DEFINITELY piss). But a WINTER FUCKING ROMPER.
Women’s fashion is full of pitfalls. You think you know your size, they invent vanity sizing. Then different stores carry different “sizes” because god forbid you ever buy a pair of jeans like dudes get to, by glancing at the measurements and walking off to the register like you have better things to do with your time than be encased in a florescent-lit box with a wonky mirror that screams at you, “WHY ARE YOU SO SALLOW AND WHAT’S WITH YOUR THIGHS?!” But all that bullshit—plus the unique nightmares of bra and swimsuit shopping—aren’t enough. BECAUSE WE MUST ALSO BE PEDALED NONSENSE ATTIRE.
Seriously. Let’s think this through. THIS.
It’s cute in a upcycling Grampa’s old long johns way. But what is the thought process behind this? Like okay, it’s cold. So I want a henley to keep my arms and torso warm. But man, do I hate pants. If only I could wear shorts without the hassle of having a zipper fly or elastic to secure them to my person. I KNOW!
Oh, but maybe if your arms and torso are cold, wouldn’t your legs be cold? And even if they weren’t, doesn’t it sound like a unique torture of hell to make a person have to TOTALLY DISROBE to pee when it’s cold enough to be wearing long-sleeved bodysuits?
Kristy Puchko wrote this in voluminous pajama pants, and a gigantic cozy sweater as godtapus intended.