A Very Serious Discussion: Which 'Love Actually' Character Is Best In Bed?
By Kristy Puchko, Rebecca Pahle, Agent X | Think Pieces | December 6, 2016 |
By Kristy Puchko, Rebecca Pahle, Agent X | Think Pieces | December 6, 2016 |
With the holiday season upon us, now is the time when every Overlord engages in our annual battle over whether Love Actually is good or garbage. Already, Rebecca has delved into its treasure troves of trash fashion, and Courtney has dedicated herself to watching this holiday classic EVERY DAY til Christmas, sharing new insights with each viewing. So, naturally we rounded up our Very Serious Discussion posse of Rebecca, Kristy and Agent X to investigate one of the greatest untouched mysteries of this polarizing Christmas movie: Which character is best in bed? Because at Christmas, you tell the truth. No matter how socially awkward or emotionally irresponsible. Right, Andrew Lincoln?
Kristy: Let’s begin with the first character we see in the film: Billy Mack, aged and cynical rockstar with questionable fashion sense.
Agent X: Well, we know he’s experienced.
Kristy: And he’d be into dirty talk.
Rebecca: That particular example of dirty talk does not strike me as sexy. So many STDs.
Agent X: That too.
Rebecca: A very, very large amount of sickness on that dick. Experienced, but self-involved.
Agent X:I imagine this will be like that scene in Empire Records where Liv Tyler wants to sleep with Rex Manning, though. Like he’ll just sit back and be like “OK, knock yourself out.”
Rebecca: Ohhhh, Rexy, you’re so sexy! More about bragging rights - how many hot chicks you can bang - than giving pleasure to other people. But stylin’ fashion sense.
Agent X: Right.
Kristy: Oh wow. Bummer, but probably accurate.
Agent X: Look, I LOVE the character and I LOVE that entire storyline. But let’s be real. As a lover, this guy would be shit. Or shite, as the British apparently say.
Rebecca: We’re getting off on a disheartening note, here! All of our favorite character (right?), but no, we have to admit, he’d be The Worst.
Agent X:You know if NOTHING else, you’ll come away with an epic story you can dine out on for years.
Rebecca: But he’d forget your name afterwards. Or never bother to know it.
Agent X: In bed, the worst. I would still hang out with him as a friend!
Rebecca: He’d be fun to hang out with as a friend.
Kristy: What about his buddy Joe?
Agent X: Joe would try. Joe looks like a trier. I don’t think he’d take you for granted.
Kristy: But he’d take a call in the middle if it was Billy.
Agent X: Yes. Much like Laura Linney. But we’ll get to her.
Rebecca: Joe keeps at it. He stayed with Billy for YEARS.
Agent X: I feel like Joe has a very high tolerance for nonsense and drama.
Rebecca: Not the best natural talent, but he means well, and compared to Billy, that’s at least something.
Kristy: I have Love Actually playing in the background and the wildly inappropriate/HR nightmare Colin is delivering muffins.
Agent X: Like, I think Joe’d go well with someone who is high-maintenance.
Rebecca: He doesn’t seem like he’d be into weird shit? I mean, he’s exposed to a lot of weird shit because he’s around Billy Mack.
Agent X: Nah, but if you wanted to, he’d probably roll with it. I think he’s used to catering to crazy demands, so I don’t imagine he’d be outraged.
Kristy: Let’s move on. We have a lot of people to go through. Like all of the UK. I know Colin has an orgy later, but Colin is the worst, right?
Rebecca: Yeah. Like Billy Mack, he’s self-absorbed, but he doesn’t even have the experience.
Kristy: Like he’s got these big ideas about sex straight out of porn.
Agent X: Colin would be WORSE than Billy Mack.
Rebecca: He thinks he’s a maestro.
Kristy: Like “Women LOVE this. Pornhub says so.”
Agent X: Colin would be extremely selfish and not even interesting or cool or exciting enough to make for a good story afterward.
Rebecca: People occasionally shoot him down during Love Actually - Mia, the caterer at the wedding - and it just rolls off him. He doesn’t listen to people. And he does’t take constructive criticism well.
Kristy: And he’d make DUMB jokes. Like I’m not opposed to laughter in the bedroom. But Colin’s idea of humor is to mock the food he’s serving to a woman he’s hitting on. He’s every idiot on Twitter who thinks his every thought is HILARIOUS. But, he does hook up with three insanely hot American women in a scene that is so out of place it feels like a dream sequence.
Agent X: It’s not out of place if you consider how the film as a whole seems to regard Americans.
Rebecca: America, in Love Actually, is a nation of shallow, sex-mad bullies. Which, OK, fine, Trump, but the UK has Brexit. It’s not like they’re all intellectual and pure.
Agent X:Ooh, shit’s getting Very Political in this Very Serious Discussion!
Rebecca: VSD: World Leaders
Agent X: Don’t tempt us.
Kristy: Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor) is getting married onscreen.
Rebecca: I feel like I should say Peter would be great because he’s Chiwetel, but he’s barely in this movie. We don’t know much about him, really.
Kristy: It’s so weird to watch this movie and realize they wedged him into a nothing role.
Agent X: Why did this movie hire Chiwetel Ejiofor and give him absolutely nothing to do? I am mystified.
Kristy: Like he’s WAY sexier than Andrew Lincoln.
Rebecca: Was it before people knew who he was? It was pretty early in his career.
Agent X: I GUESS.
Kristy: Yes. But LOOK AT HIM. Even in a dumb purple suit, he’s smoking.
Rebecca: Oh that suit. Love, Actually’s costume designer has some things to answer for.
Agent X: Anyway, back to the task at hand. He’s good enough to lock down the very pretty and seemingly likable Keira Knightley. He’s hot, we know that.
Kristy: Like Peter is so hot he could maybe cruise on that alone.
Rebecca: He seems steady.
Agent X: And… that’s about it. But, he’s played by Chiwetel Ejiofor and has Chiwetel Ejiofor’s arms, so I’m confident in saying he’s probably totally bangable.
Rebecca: Low-key. Bad taste in friends.
Kristy: But should we be worried he doesn’t read cues? Because his best friend is obsessed with his girl and he’s got ZERO clue. OR is Peter into cuckolding and trying to push an illicit threesome?
Rebecca: But his best friend expresses his affection by being a dick to her.
Agent X:No, I blame Andrew Lincoln for that, because Andrew Lincoln is The Worst.
Rebecca: I don’t blame him for not catching on. Peter is an ADULT and doesn’t have time for pigtail-pulling NONSENSE.
Agent X: Yes. Let’s blame Rick Grimes, please.
Kristy:Wow. Is Love Actually truly full of lousy lays? Billy Mack. Colin. Mark (That’s Andrew Lincoln).
Rebecca: Mark is a GARBAGE lay.
Agent X: Mark would cry afterward.
Kristy: Mark would cry during.
Agent X: And probably accidentally call you Juliet.
Rebecca: He’s a pretentious asshole who only cares about himself and his own feelings, but he THINKS he’s a ~*~sensitive artiste~*~
Agent X: He’s going through too much emotional stuff to go down on you. That’s why he will only ACCEPT head, not give it! It’s because he’s SO SENSITIVE that he won’t go downtown, see.
Rebecca: He’s a self-indulgent trashbag. Get your shit together, Mark.
Kristy: Mark is probably so pent up he’d finish embarrassingly soon.
Rebecca: And then blame it on the woman.That moment when the group of women are at his gallery laughing at the truly ridiculous Christmas art. And he says “umm, it’s ART.” I wanted to punch his face. Not related to sex, I just do.
Kristy: Also. I bet his boundaries aren’t great, because what is that cue card shit. I wrestle with that every time.
Agent X: Nope. Nothing to wrestle with.
Kristy: Like on one hand, he’s like “look I know you’re not into me. And that’s cool. I expect nothing from you.” But on the other hand he’s like “I AM SO SUPER ROMANTIC….your loss?”
Agent X: He’s allowed to KEEP HIS FEELINGS TO HIMSELF. It’s not “dishonest” to NOT TRY AND RUIN YOUR BEST FRIEND’S MARRIAGE.
Kristy: Oh god. I bet he says “I love you” during the first lay. But it’s like, “Sshhhhhh. Just tell me my tits are sensational and shut the fuck up with your feels.”
Agent X: It’s not “dishonest” to NOT rope in your best friend’s wife into this really fucked up secret.
Rebecca: I get that he needs to say SOMETHING after Keira saw the wedding video, because that made him look like a creepy stalker. But send her a god-damned email saying “I know this is weird, I’m going to back off, I APOLOGIZE.”
Agent X: GUYS. Mark is definitely Ted from How I Met Your Mother.
Kristy: oh wow. He is the Ted.
Rebecca: He’s such a Nice Guy. He romanticizes the old days when men were chivalrous and women fell all over them for it.
Agent X: I still question what his Plan B was going to be if Chiwetel answered the door.
Kristy: “Hey, Peter. Um. I was just in the neighborhood…With some cue cards.”
Agent X: Moving on? This movie has like 8,000 characters. We can’t afford to dally!
Kristy: Poor Laura Linney A.K.A. Sarah.
Rebecca: Sarah needs to put on her big girl panties I SWEAR. Shit at taking initiative.
Agent X: I don’t understand, like, anything about Laura Linney’s entire storyline.
Rebecca: Sarah and Hot Karl were into each other for years, and then they have this one setback and they both just shrug and go “oh well”? Maybe it’s a good thing they didn’t have sex, because they’d both be shit at it.
Kristy: Hot Karl (Rodrigo Santoro) is HOT!
Agent X: Why can’t she just occasionally NOT answer the phone? How does she get work done?
Rebecca: Accept some boldness into your life, Sarah!
Kristy:Wait. Isn’t Hot Karl a sex move? I’m afraid to google it. [Editor’s Note: It is. Don’t Google it.]
Rebecca: I think I just call him Hot Karl because… Courtney did, I think? And it caught my eye.
Kristy: Sarah could have had the hottest sex this movie had to offer.
Agent X: Why is Alan Rickman so invested in two of his underlings rutting each other?
Kristy: He’s bored.
Rebecca: The people who work at Sarah’s brother’s facility are shit. It must’ve been really late when she got home! And they were like “yeah sure call her.’
Agent X: I don’t understand any of it. Has Sarah EVER had sex?How, if she’s always answering the phone?
Rebecca: I think she’s had sex.
Kristy: Yeah. I mean, she presumably went to college. And she suggests she’s only been so beholden to her brother since her parents died.
Rebecca: I think she hasn’t had much sex, and I think she’s way timid.
Agent X: So she just… hasn’t had sex since her parents died? And… plans to never again?
Rebecca: And has problems cutting loose and letting herself get lost in the moment.
It’s not like her brother calls her every hour on the hour.
Agent X: It kind of seems like he does!
Kristy: She has the potential to really let loose. But calling her brother “babe” and letting him railroad her life, she’s dooming herself to solitary and solo play.
Rebecca: She got unlucky with Hot Karl, but she’s probably had a few blocks of time where she was slipped the pickle.
Agent X: Even if Sarah WAS having sex, she’d be waiting for her brother to call.
Kristy: Now I must find the worst pickle gif to ever.
[Editor’s Note: Nailed it.]
Rebecca: Yeah. She’d never really get into it.
Agent X:Nope. And you’d have to be okay with being a distant-second priority even while you are literally in the middle of screwing her. Which, like, no thank you.
Rebecca: She unhealthily romanticized Hot Karl a bit. Like girl, let loose. I know you have this wicked one-sided pining situation going, but fire up Tinder and get yourself laid.
Kristy: Would Hot Karl be good in bed?
Rebecca: I think we’re supposed to think he is, but I’m not sure the evidence is there. He’s also been into her for a while (it’s implied) but never did anything.
Agent X: I see no evidence Hot Karl would be bad in bed, and a lot of evidence that he looks like Rodrigo Santoro. So… YES. Yes is my vote. He’d be great!
Rebecca: He’d be sweet, and giving, but not necessary inventive and certainly not bold.
Kristy: We’re really given very little accept that he is attractive, ripped and his Christian name is Hot Karl. (It’s canon now. DEAL WITH IT.)
Rebecca: He’s the Disney prince. Well-intentioned, sweet, willing to be guided. Looks hot. Doesn’t deal with obstacles well, though.
Kristy: Does he have nipples?
Agent X: SIGH. Fine, fine, fine. You guys are forcing me to consider this seriously.
Rebecca: You know, I can’t tell you 100% that Rodrigo Santoro has nipples.
I’ll have to do research.
Agent X: Sarah’s issue is not an “obstacle” that’s easy to get over.
Rebecca: He seems like the sort of guy where, if you had one fight, he’d just… back down and withdraw into himself. FIGHT FOR YOUR LOVE.
Agent X: The understanding that even while you are literally in the middle of making love to your date for the first time, she will gladly toss you off of her so that she can pick up the phone.
Rebecca: He literally does not even try, though. They don’t even have a discussion about ways they can maybe try to have a go at a relationship.
Agent X: Because she’s made it VERY clear that he will never be priority number one even for 20 minutes.. She makes no attempt to reassure him or to solve the problem.
Kristy:Good for him for demanding someone’s complete attention when he’s inside of them. (Or trying to get there). And he’s Hot Karl. He could have anyone.
Rebecca: Rodrigo Santoro has nipples, but they are TINY.
Agent X: Why should he have to deal with always being a distant second place?
They are sized just fine in my estimation.
Rebecca: I’m not convinced that HE’S convinced it’s an insurmountable problem. Or that he should be.
Agent X: How is it not?
Rebecca: I get being upset and I get leaving. But if you really like this woman, take a few days to chill out, and then come back and try to talk about how hey maybe put your phone on do not disturb mode.
Kristy: Ugh. Colin’s onscreen again. Is there a fan cut without him? We don’t need him, right? Like at all.
Agent X: It’s a girl he went on one date with and she immediately made it clear she has no interest in putting him first even when they are literally making love. He owes her nothing.
Kristy: I agree with X.
Rebecca: This situation with her brother has been going on for YEARS. She’s been in an unhealthy place for YEARS. She’s not going to be able to turn it off overnight.
Agent X: It’s not like she doesn’t know vibrate or do not disturb mode exists. Yes, exactly. And why, exactly, then, does he owe it to her to fix that about her?
Rebecca: I’m not saying he owes it to her, anyway. I get why he did what he did. but, in my fantasy fairy tale version of Love Actually, they would have made it work.
Kristy: Onscreen: Mia (Heike Makatsch) is sexually harassing her boss, Alan Rickman/”Harry.” How are they respectively?
Agent X: Harry is lazy in bed.
Agent X: He’s grown too comfortable with… uh… Emma Thompson’s character.
Rebecca: Harry has boundary issues. Everybody in this movie has boundary issues.
Agent X: I’m really realizing I have no idea what most of these characters are called.
Kristy: I think Mia is crazy pussy, like from 30 Rock. She’s an amazing lay. But she’ll grab a cop’s gun. Good thing Bobbies don’t carry guns in the UK.
Rebecca: Emma Thompson is Karen.
Agent X: Karen, right.
Rebecca: Mia would be a good one-night stand but it’s not great long-term.
Agent X: OK, I think Harry’s grown lazy and complacent. I think he’d try a bit at first with someone like Mia, but that it would flame out.
Rebecca: I think it’s about the thrill for her, too. Part of the reason he went after Harry is BECAUSE he’s married.
Agent X: I think Mia is probably very great in bed, like Kristy said. Crazy pussy.
Kristy: I think she’d be a great lay, but VERY high maintenance as a girlfriend. Like, their thread could be the first act to one of those murder shows on Investigation Discovery. You know the ones. Is Mia even into Harry? Or is she seeking a sugar daddy?
Agent X: Does Mia even know or care?
Rebecca: Mia hit on him blatantly, in their open-plan office. It’s about the naughtiness, not an actual relationship.
Rebecca: And if Harry ever actually left Karen to be with Mia, Mia’d be like “eh.”
Agent X: She’s VERY high maintenance even before she schtups Harry! So yes, definitely as a girlfriend.
Agent X: What about the other side of this triangle: Karen? I think she probably does all the trying in that relationship. Just based on the fact that she seems to do EVERYTHING in that household.
Kristy: Right. I bet Karen and Harry’s sex life sucks. But she’s assumed it’s because he’s older, less interested.
Agent X: I bet it’s not so much “sucks” as just kind of… boring. Like they do it sometimes, and it’s pleasant, but there’s not a lot of excitement there.
Rebecca: Yeah, Harry doesn’t put in effort, sexually or romantically.
Agent X: That too. Bad Harry.
Rebecca: And we know Karen WANTS him to, because she got so excited when she thought he bought her the necklace.
Kristy: I think Karen gets satisfaction from her life, motherhood, being a good companion, and has forgotten her sexual side. Harry’s cheating could only have hurt that.
Agent X: Right. To be fair, I think they’ve probably both grown somewhat complacent.
Rebecca: Karen should bone Hot Karl to get back at Harry.
Agent X: Karen SHOULD bone Hot Karl. Okay, this I like.
Kristy: Oh YES. I SHIP IT.
Kristy: Even when he’s trying to woo his drooling assistant, he picks the first necklace he sees. And it’s ugly as sin.
Agent X: To be fair, EVERYTHING EVERYONE WEARS IN THIS MOVIE is ugly as sin.
Rebecca: And he goes shopping for his mistress WHILE he’s shopping with his wife.
Agent X: To ALSO be fair, Karen’s taste in fashion is fucking terrible. That necklace is actually right up her alley!
Rebecca: Harry’s a dipshit.
Agent X: Yes, that was very dumb of Harry. What even.
Kristy: Hugh Grant is flirting with Natalie.
Agent X: So Hugh Grant and Natalie, then.
Kristy: So let’s talk the Prime Minister and his “chubby” assistant.
Rebecca: Hugh Grant would be…….. nice.
Agent X: What’s Hugh Grant’s name, again? Besides Prime Minister.
Rebecca: Just the Prime Minister. No name. So can we just call him Hugh, then?
Agent X: PM would be fine.
Rebecca: I can do PM.
Kristy: He is credited on IMDB as “The Prime Minister.”
Rebecca: I can’t get over the fact that PM reassigned Natalie after she was sexually harassed by Billy Bob Thornton and NEVER ONCE thought to reach out to her and say “just FYI, this is not because I’m blaming you for the situation.”
Agent X:It’s pretty messed up! But not within the scope of this conversation.
Rebecca: “This is not a punishment.” Ugh this movie.
Agent X: I think PM seems nice, but kind of old-fashioned.
Rebecca: Everyone in this movie is stupid and has issues, but the movie doesn’t always INTEND them to be looked at that way. Yeah, he doesn’t have a name in the movie.
Agent X:Wait, is it David? Does someone call him David? Yes, it is, she calls him David! Right?
Rebecca: I remember someone calling someone else David, and no one else is named David.
Kristy: I think David’d be a bit repressed. But the dance scene and his seeking Natalie suggests he’s open to growing.
Agent X: Mmm, true. Okay, so, like, good, not great, open to tutoring. What about Natalie? Do we think she’s good?
“David,” Natalie, and cockblocktapus.
Kristy: I think so.
Rebecca: PM would be a little nervous, but has potential. Natalie’s good. They’d go well together.
Rebecca: They’re on the same page re: lack of stodginess.
Agent X:I feel like Natalie and PM are both on the same level.
Rebecca: They could cut loose and have fun.
Agent X: Good for them.
Rebecca: We know Natalie’s insecure about her old boyfriend being a dick. And the PM seems like he’d take care of her. Do… whatever rich people in Britain do. Buy her horses.
Kristy: I think Natalie is uninhibited and playful. She’d be GGG (good, giving and game). But could be easily led to things she’s not really cool with, hence what ever President Billy Bob is doing to her face.
Rebecca: I think she and PM will help each other in that regard. Because we know he stands up to assholes. Are Hugh Grant and Natalie the best lays in this movie so far? Really?
Kristy: Mm. Yes.
Rebecca: They’re pretty low-drama, compared to some of the other people in this movie.
Kristy:So how about Karen’s buddy Daniel (Liam Neeson). He’s low drama even though he’s a recent widow.
Agent X: He is. He’s a romantic, but not in like a weird, creepy way.
Rebecca: He’d be low-key great, I think. He has experience, he’s caring.
Agent X:He seems to have had a very happy marriage, so they probably had a good sex life.
Rebecca: I can’t see Daniel initiating kinky shit, but I can see him being OK with it if you did. He seems comfortable with himself. But bad taste in turtlenecks. But, again, true of everyone in this movie. Does sexplay in the Love Actuallyverse involve turtlenecks?
Kristy: I mean, inherently. They are everywhere.
Agent X: Only for Colin Firth. Colin Firth’s character has definitely had sex while still wearing a turtleneck but no pants. Like some sort of demented and extremely upsetting Winnie the Pooh.
Rebecca: And also socks
Kristy: Oh wow.
Agent X: See, you can’t deny how correct I am.
Kristy: That image of Pooh Bear style Colin Firth makes me so sad.
Agent X: No wonder his wife cheated on him with his brother. His name is Jamie in the movie.
Kristy: He totally fucks with a turtleneck on. Poor Aurelia (Lúcia Moniz). Bex, my husband on your turtleneck revelation: “Now all I can watch is turtlenecks. After years of people trying, Rebecca has finally ruined Love Actually for me.”
Rebecca: YAAAAAAYYYYY. There are SO MANY.
Agent X: One thing that occurred to me while I was watching this movie is how many people’s problems would be solved by just… having sex with each other.
Rebecca: Bone it out of your system!
Agent X: Like, Jamie and Aurelia are getting ready to get MARRIED when they’ve never had a conversation?! Just fuck, for fuck’s sake.
Kristy: If only this was Fuck Actually.
Rebecca: Straightaway proposing to Aurelia instead of “Hey wanna go get coffee” is ABSURD.
Kristy: YOU LOVE IT.
Agent X: Maybe get that out of your system before you go running off to GET MARRIED.
Rebecca: I LOVE IT BUT IT’S DUMB.
Agent X: We have Rebecca on record admitting she loves Love Actually!
Rebecca: I love Colin Firth, not Love Actually itself.
Rebecca: Imagine Peter and whatever Keira’s name is: your friend (Jamie) got cheated on, and like two months later he comes back with this chick who barely speaks English, and they’re engaged. In your mind, you’re like “oh shit, rebound, not gonna work.”
Kristy: But it speaks to passion.
Agent X: So we think Jamie and Aurelia are passionate people?
Rebecca: Aurelia is.
Agent X:I think Aurelia seems smarter than Jamie.
Rebecca: She’s constantly giving Jamie shit, and I love it. I think she’ll draw him out of his his shell.
Agent X: I think Jamie has no idea what he’s getting himself into.
Rebecca: “Maybe I picked wrong Englishman”
Kristy: I think both are. But Aurelia is more confident. She can help Jaime find his way, and pull the stick from his ass. Metaphorically. And then put it back, dildo-illy.
Rebecca: Are we talking about pegging again?
Agent X: I think that’ll work for about five minutes before they realize they’re spectacularly ill-matched for one another, and oh, if only they’d just HAD SEX FIRST AND GOTTEN IT OUT OF THEIR SYSTEM.
Rebecca: In the real world, they would not work.
Agent X: At least we’re not talking about robots or goats this time.
Kristy: Not yet.
Agent X: Say what you will about Love Actually, but it NEVER asks that of you.
Rebecca: The Love, Actually world is not the real world. Or, half of it (Jaime, David) is this romantic fantasy shit, and the other half (Sarah, Karen) is realistic and sad.
Agent X: Rebecca: no comma after love! Remember? (Editor’s Note: More on this to come.)
Rebecca: You will take the comma from my cold, dead hands.
So: Jamie and Aurelia. Good sex life? Do we think it’ll last?
Agent X: Yes, and no.
Kristy: Oh. PM Grant is laying into the president. “He only takes what he wants.”
PM putting POTUS on blast.
Agent X: Are you giving us a play by play of the entire movie?
Kristy: Only when it’s relevant to sex lives. Like this American President would be bad about consent. What a crazy FICTIONAL WORLD THIS IS.
Agent X: Kristy you made it sad.
Rebecca: Who’s better in bed: David, Natalie, or Aurelia?
Agent X: Probably Natalie.
Kristy: Aurelia seems very serious, and vaguely critical.
Rebecca: Hmm. She seems less inhibited, though.
Agent X: Aurelia’s not serious!
Rebecca: She fucking strips off to jump into that lake. I’m going to vote Aurelia.
Aurelia is a snarkmonster.
Agent X: Most of her dialogue is giving Colin Firth shit for being a pretentious (if adorable) dickweed.
Kristy: We have somehow not talked about the couple who spends most of the movie almost boning: John (Martin Freeman) and Judy (Joanna Page).
Agent X: YES. My favorite. Okay, so they understand boundaries and consent and respecting your co-workers!
Rebecca: They’re sweet? Seem normal, kinda boring.
Agent X: Somehow, the couple that spends the entire movie naked and humping each other is better about all those things than ANYONE ELSE in this movie.
Rebecca: Which is intentional - the weirdness of their jobs juxtaposed against normal people talking about traffic. Doesn’t John say near the end that Judy won’t consent to sex until they get married?
Kristy: Yup! Do we think they are as erotically adventurous as their day job as naked stand-ins implies? At the end, John notes they haven’t slept together yet, and Judy chides, “NAUGHTY!”
Agent X: I think they would have fun, happy, good sex. I don’t know that either of them would be a sexual maestro, but I think they really, really enjoy boning each other, and that makes me happy.
Rebecca: Which 1) wonderful, they get consent, John is respectful, but 2) is Judy experienced?
Agent X: I don’t think they’re especially adventurous or kinky.
Rebecca: Yeah, they seem very vanilla. Respectful, sweet, sex with the lights off or MAYBE a Barry White CD on if they’re feeling frisky.
Agent X: I think they bone with the lights on.
Rebecca: Judy probably collects souvenir spoons.
Agent X: They already know what each other looks like and are clearly into it, why would they turn the lights off?
Rebecca: Whichever is the most vanilla of those two options. I do not know. They’re boring. They’re fine.
Agent X: I LOVE THEM. I think they are probably the best at having sex *with each other* But not necessarily the best lay for anyone else. It’s romantic, you guys!
Kristy: They’ll be good for each other. But yeah, I bet they’d both be sweet, but vanilla. They’d have very well-adjusted sex, the kind the queen would applaud with a golf clap.
Kristy: Are we missing anyone?
Rebecca: We never talked about Keira, did we?
Agent X: Um… Rowan Atkinson?
Kristy: So Kiera/Juliet first. She seems enthusiastic and generous, considering she doesn’t punch creepy Lincoln and the face and bolt.
Agent X: I don’t think we see enough of her to know what she’s like in bed. Good enough to lock down Chiwetel Ejiofor, apparently, but in a crazy mixed-up universe where Chiwetel Ejiofor has to compete with the likes of Andrew Fucking Lincoln. (Let it be known that I do not hate Andrew Lincoln the person, I just extremely hate his character, so much, like flames on the side of my face dot gif level hate.)
Rebecca: The movie basically just presents her as this sweet, attractive object of Andrew Lincoln’s obsession. She’s kind of a cipher. And I don’t get why she kisses Andrew Lincoln. No, don’t do that. Don’t do that one bit.
Agent X: Now you and your husband’s best friend have this really shitty secret that would crush him if he knew. Good work, guys.
Kristy: I forgot that happened. Like blocked it from my brain.
Rebecca: She’d be nice, good taste in bed, probably able to cut loose.
Agent X: She seems sweet and slightly quirky. She has bad taste in hats. She likes eating banoffee pie, whatever that is.
Rebecca: She has more of a young, cool vibe than a lot of the other characters. She kept trying to be friendly with her husband’s best friend even though said best friend was a dick to her. She’s considerate. She didn’t mace Andrew Lincoln when he showed up at the door.
Kristy: She’d be forgiving.
Agent X: So Juliet, like many of the characters in this movie, is… fine.
Rebecca: She’d be up for trying some weird stuff. Moreso than a lot of the other characters, I think.
Kristy:Yeah, we don’t have a lot of evidence for Juliet. She’s basically there to be pretty and lovely. And she succeeds at that.
Rebecca: Colin would be up for all sorts of weird stuff, but he’d be bad at it all.
Kristy:So, Rowan, who is maybe meant to be an angel. Like literally.
Agent X: He’s the closest this VSD has to a C-3PO.
Rebecca: So: robot dick? We know he isn’t good with signals and social cues. Because he keeps wrapping that damned package.
Agent X: Or he’s just an angel, and trying to stop Harry from doing something dumb.
Kristy: Or he has a tunnel-like vision on a given activity.
Agent X: Oh God, we’re really doing this. Okay. So he would be a focused lover.
Rebecca: No, he’s a snobby dipshit. He’s a bad retail employee. I’m not a “customer is always right” type, but ffs, just give him the necklace. You’re being WAY too generous.
Agent X: But maybe so focused that even when you’re like “look honey, the orgasm isn’t gonna happen for me right now, just come up now” he will insist on keeping going.
Rebecca: He’s full of himself, he’s an asshole.
Kristy: Why is he an asshole?
Rebecca: If you suggested something he didn’t like he would HARDCORE judge you for it. He expects his women to lie back and think of England.
Kristy: He’s just trying to do the best in that box as he can!
Rebecca: And Alan Rickman told him to stop and he wouldn’t. It’s a metaphor! Look, we don’t see him a lot, we have to go based on what we know. He’s there to be the standard snobby English comic relief character!
Agent X:Wait didn’t we learn in Dogma that angels don’t have genitals.
Kristy:But wait, if Dogma and Love Actually are the same cinematic universe, then is Alan Rickman’s Harry a fallen, dickless angel?
Rebecca: I refuse to countenance the discussion that Angel Atkinson is good in bed
Rebecca: “Refuse to countenance” — That’s a thing people say, right?
Agent X: Sure. So… that’s everyone!
Rebecca: So, New Year’s Eve next?
Agent X: WHY
If you’re craving more filth, previous Very Serious Discussion posts are: Game of Thrones parts one and two; Harry Potter; the Avengers parts one and two; Disney villains; and Star Wars, original trilogy flavor, The Force Awakens, and Disney princes.