The Bride (not the Uma one): The Greatest Villain in the History of Film
A shrill, shrieking harpy, undeserving of love or even like. Should die alone.
[Middle English, from Old English “twatbiscuit.”]
Ah, brides. Buncha twunts, aren’t they? And who could blame them? For at least the past twenty years, every bride in film and television has been a wicked hellbeast of the highest regard. The trope has come far enough that now, awful, awful people, usually ones we all have as Facebook friends and really don’t know why, think it’s acceptable to BE bridezillas, as though it’s their divine right. “It’s my special fucking day and if you fuck with it, I will fucking kill you.”
How do I know this? Probably because I may have said it to my betrothed at some point this week, but that’s beside the point. In my defense, he did joke that he was going to request Ke$ha. Homegirl don’t play that. But also because every medium has put out this bridely demeanor, not just as a hateful possibility, but as an expected, even accepted, turnabout of character. This is the Princess Phenomenon. And as art imitates life, art has apparently deigned itself as perfectly understandable behavior in life.
I don’t know when it happened, probably sometime around Sex and the City, but hateful defects of character are now often considered adorable. You’re a completely obsessive nightmare of a human being? Quirky! You cheat on your fiance frequently and without much remorse? Precious! You’re so human! Your life will be a merry one!
It is with that I present to you, as my last act of Pajibery as an unmarried women, the worst wedding day cunts who have been out there in the world ruining it for the rest of us. Also, fetch me a fucking mimosa. PEASANTS.
Amy Adams as Amy in The Wedding Date
Crimes: being a major bitch to recently dumped sister/maid of honor, having a longstanding affair with best man, cheating on Jack Davenport. NO ONE CHEATS ON JACK DAVENPORT.
Julia Roberts as Maggie in The Runaway Bride
Crimes: Running the hell away from multiple weddings, trying to skank away Joanie Cusack’s husband, attempting to steal Dermot Mulroney away from Cameron Diaz, which I realize is not this movie, but seriously, what a snizz.
Reese Witherspoon as Melanie in Sweet Home Alabama
Crimes: Full disclosure, I actually really like this movie. STOP JUDGING ME. But, seriously, you leave Dempsey at the altar, punch his mom, and then take the entire guest list, who applauds, with you to a bar for your OTHER wedding? He still liked you even after finding out what white trash you are. I just feel bad for him is all. Very Bill Pullman in Sleepless in Seattle. Very The Baxter.
These two assholes
Crimes: being the worst
Courtney is getting married on Saturday. She promises to love, honor and not be a total asschud to her beloved. She’ll see you all when she returns from her honeymoon, probably harping on about some more celebrity bullshit as is her wont.