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Everything I Learned About Everything I Learned from Nicholas Sparks’s Yahoo! Answers Pages

By Josh Kurp | Think Pieces | April 23, 2012 |

By Josh Kurp | Think Pieces | April 23, 2012 |

The Lucky One, an adaptation of Nicholas Sparks’s snot-rag novel of the same name, made a better-than-expected $22.8 million at the box office this past weekend. Mr. Rowles called it “manipulative porn” in a review on Friday, and that’s precisely the reason why so many people either love everything Sparks related (teenage girls) or hate it (everyone else). Out of curiosity, and because I hate myself, I headed to my favorite website in the world — Yahoo! Answers — and searched for “Nicholas Sparks.” Here are some life lessons I learned about literature, about teenagers, and about America. Namely, WE’RE DOOMED.

1. Don’t read an entire book when you can just see the movie instead.

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2. Snooki > Nicholas Sparks > Everyone Else

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3. Nicholas Sparks is a wonderful “NOFICTION” writer.

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4. Nicholas Sparks was born with lady parts, but so was everyone.

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5. Nicholas Sparks and Stephenie Meyer are the only two good novelists to release books after 1945.

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6. Friends should make fun of friends for liking Nicholas Sparks.

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7. All books don’t end in happy endings because sometimes characters need to die.

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8. You’ll be “called gay” if you read Nicholas Sparks’s’ books and have three names.

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9. Romantic guys don’t really exist.

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10. When Nicholas Sparks touches your back, it means he wants to DO YOU.

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11. Nicholas Sparks owns stomach cancer.

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12. It’s because of Nicholas Sparks that people can’t find love.

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13. It’s OK to masturbate to a Nicholas Sparks’s book.

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14. OMG Nicholas Sparks is, like, the greatest author 4eva.

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15. I have never heard of the author Nicholas Sparks.

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