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Conservative Movies Make more than Liberal Movies, But Only If You Think that "Liberal" Means Satan-Worshiping Crack Addicted Serial Killer

By Dustin Rowles | Think Pieces | February 8, 2012 |

By Dustin Rowles | Think Pieces | February 8, 2012 |

There’s some jack-assy organization out there called Movieguide, which apparently sits around and writes reports about whether a movie is “liberal” or “conservative,” and then finds ways in which to demonstrate that “conservative” movies are better than liberal movies because conservative movies — according to their latest report — make more money at the box office. According to their report, 91 movies with a conservative or moral message averaged $59 million at the box office (including 7 of the top 10 films of the year), while 105 movies that fit into the “liberal” category averaged around $11 million.

My question, however, is how the hell do they decide what is a conservative film and what is a liberal film? Apparently, factors include violence, sex, political correctness, revisionist history, environmentalism, feminism, and homosexuality, although I have no idea whether feminism, environmentalism and political correctness falls into the “liberal” category or the “moral” category, although I’m guessing that MovieGuide considers those factors to be liberal. Still, I have no idea how one could consider the advancement of women’s rights, saving the planet, and not offending minorities, women, or disabled people as immoral.

What i do, know, however, is that Twilight is considered “liberal” because it promotes “fringe worldviews” and “obscene behavior,” this despite the fact that the vampires are totally abstinent before marriage/conversion.

They also list the films that have been nominated for the Best Movie of the Year, according to their weird factors:

The Artist
Captain America: The First Avenger
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Sarah’s Key
Seven Days in Utopia
The Tree of Life
The Way

OK, I’ll give them The Tree of Life, and I haven’t seen The Way yet, but who considers Mission Impossible or Pirates or even Thor to be “conservative” films? What? Liberals hate it when superheroes win? Apparently: “Most moviegoers want good to conquer evil, truth to triumph over falsehood, justice to prevail over injustice and true beauty to overcome ugliness,” according to Movieguide editor Ted Baehr. So, the converse implication is that “liberals” prefer evil, lies, injustice, and ugliness? Because the hated “liberal” films include Super 8, Red State, A Good Old Fashioned Orgy, We Need to Talk About Kevin, Bad Teacher and Happy Feet Two.

What? Super 8 is liberal? Happy Feet Too is liberal? Because why? We Need to Talk About Kevin is not “liberal” it’s sad and dark. Good Old Fashioned Orgy, I’ll give them because obviously, all us liberals love a good sex party.

Basically, what I’m saying is: F*ck you, Movieguide. Justice, honesty, and goodness are not traits exclusive to conservatives. Liberals are not evil; we just curse more and have sex in weirder places. But that doesn’t mean who don’t enjoy seeing crazy-cakes Cruise bounce around a tall building and kill bad guys. It’s just that, while we’re watching, we like to smoke pot and f*ck in the theater seats.


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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.