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Can We Talk? The-World-Needs-Aquaman-and-Doesn't-Even-Know-It Edition

By Howie Decker | Think Pieces | December 3, 2013 |

By Howie Decker | Think Pieces | December 3, 2013 |

Radio Shack - Can We Talk?

I’ll admit, I usually pounce on every opportunity to make fun of you. The Radio Shack brand has become the low-hanging fruit of electronics retail stores, but there’s something to be said for your (unexplainable) staying power. I have to commend you on something else, though: On Black Friday, your “Doorbusters” began at 8AM. You weren’t open on Thursday evening. You didn’t even bother to open any earlier on Friday than you probably do on any given weekday. Business as usual, and I love it.

As we are all painfully aware, Black Friday is pretty much disgusting. Since Walmart and the other big box stores continue to host 5-hour Energy-fueled bar fights in their electronics departments, it’s likely no one even noticed that you weren’t open Thursday night, but your silent protest of Black Friday did not go unappreciated. I know your employees appreciated spending Thanksgiving with their families rather than spending it in a red polo shirt explaining wireless routers to the type of people who put an ‘e’ in the second syllable of ‘sausage’, and those of us who abhor Black Friday appreciate your decision not to stoke the flames of American rage shopping.

Tom Daley - Can We Talk?

YES. YES, Tom Daley, I cannot YES you enough. A WWE crowd that’s been whipped into a frenzy by Daniel Bryan cannot YES you enough. There aren’t enough YESes currently in circulation to support your recent decision to come out via a YouTube video. You’re 19, man. Do you know how much guts and resolve that took? Of course you do. You even did it in a super-cool British-y kind of way, saying that you “still fancy girls” but that you happen to currently be dating a man. This could have only been cooler if you had just gotten out of a relationship with Taylor Swift.

Delivery Guys - Can We Talk?

Dudes, it’s coming. The future is upon us, and unfortunately for you, that means occupational obsolescence. In something that seems like a headline from The Onion, Amazon announced plans to deliver some items in 30 minutes or less via unmanned drones by 2015. Dominos also unveiled the “DomiCopter” earlier this year, promising robo-delivered pizzas sometime in the near future. Your services will no longer be needed, delivery guys; although there may be hope for you yet.
One thing I’ve noticed in the test flight videos for both the DomiCopter and the Amazon drone is that the cargo doesn’t exactly look secure during flight. A strong wind, heavy rain, or forest-cloaked sniper could easily ruin a delivery, which is where you come in. With 12 minutes remaining until the undelivered (shot down) pizza is free, you heroically ride in on your trusty steed (a Ford Focus) and save the day (by delivering a new pizza to replace the fallen pie). You make a public enemy out of the cold, apathetic and ill-conceived drone, citing its bold indifference toward the hunger of the customer. You run those robot sumbitches out of town, and you unionize and take precaution to prevent such careless anti-delivery guy measures from ever taking place again. RISE, delivery guys.

Aquaman - Can We Talk?

This is your chance, don’t screw this up. There’s all kinds of talk of elevating your character to a big screen title role sooner than later (maybe even before Wonder Woman, which is just insane). Regardless, this is your opportunity to help DC even the playing field with Marvel when it comes to the big screen.

If “The House of Ideas” (ie. Marvel Studios) had been shrewd, they’d have cornered the sea-faring superhero market by pushing Namor to the front of the line ahead of Ant-Man and Guardians of the Galaxy. Establishing Namor as THE comic book King of the Sea would have given them an underwater Avenger to add to the team, but more importantly, it would have rendered an Aquaman feature film redundant in the eyes of the casual moviegoer. Who needs two underwater superheroes? Many people are asking who needs one underwater superhero but the answer is EVERYONE. The world needs Aquaman, they just don’t know it yet. Now go out there and show ‘em that you’re not a joke. Go show ‘em that you belong in the eventual Justice League film. Mostly, just show ‘em that you’re better than Green Lantern, or else you might permanently doom the shared DC movie universe. No pressure.

Howie Decker (@HowardTheDeck) is the publisher of UnderScoopFire, a site that admittedly takes Garbage Pail Kids and M.U.S.C.L.E. figures way too seriously.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.