Dear Chris Hemsworth —
How are you, Chris? You’re having a great year, huh? Cabin in the Woods, Red Dawn, The Avengers, Snow White and the Huntsman. You’ve made it! Congratulations. There have been a lot of younger stars trying to become the “next big action star” for awhile, but you’re the only one that’s really taken hold of that title. In fact, Empire Magazine has honored you by naming you the Man of the Year.
Wow! Congratulations. For an Australian guy from a modest background who was best known for a role in an Australian soap opera up until a few years ago, this must feel very satisfying for you. It’s a pretty big deal!
There’s just one thing, though. And look, I’m not blaming you for this or anything, but through perhaps no fault of your own, you are clearly representative of the problem. Let me demonstrate it for you by way of example. Here are several women posing for magazine photoshoots over the last year or so.
Now, here’s a picture for you from your Empire photoshoot.
Here’s another one from your Australian GQ photoshoot from a few weeks ago.
You see the problem, don’t you? The women in those photos, some of them very respected actresses, are dressing provocatively. They’re barely wearing clothes. They’re looking at the camera with f**k me eyes. You?
Frankly, you look kind of bored. But more importantly, you are wearing clothes. ALL OF THEM. You’re not rolling around in anything. You’re not giggling. You’re not looking breathlessly at the camera. You’re not wearing lingerie. You’re wearing a f**king suit.
I’ll grant that you look dapper in that suit, but honestly, do you think it’s fair? I mean, I’m not going to say one way is better than the other, but listen, man, if the celebrity women of this world have to take off half their clothes and freeze to death while some grimy dude with a camera yells, “MORE CLEAVAGE,” in order to be featured on the cover of a magazine, do you think it’s fair that you get to walk in head-to-toe in fabric and stare listlessly into the camera?
No. It’s not. One thing or another has to change, and too many magazines are being sold on the bare shoulders of celebrity women who spend four hours in a make-up chair before sticking a pillow between their legs and pretending to be flirty. So it’s up to you, Hemsworth, to even the score. To make this right. If you want to make the world a more fair place, a place where you can raise your children to understand that celebrity men should not be objectified any more or less than celebrity women, you owe it to the planet to TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT.
Come on, Hemsworth. Be a man.