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A Serious Discussion About Which Of The Avengers Is Best In Bed, Part 2

By Kristy Puchko | Think Pieces | May 11, 2016 |

By Kristy Puchko | Think Pieces | May 11, 2016 |

You know the deal. Pop culture mavens/perverse experts Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, and Agent X convene to dissect cinematic clues to weigh in on the unseen sex lives of the characters in he Harry Potter movies, Disney movies, Star Wars: original trilogy and The Force Awakens.

We’ve covered The Avengers before, and great outcry came from our leaving out the likes of Peggy Carter, Ant-Man and the Guardians of the Galaxy crew. Well, with Captain America: Civil War, we’ve got new heroes to weigh in on, and a chance to circle back. Previous prohibitions stand: no kids, no animals. #SorryNotSorry Spider-Man and Rocket Raccoon fans.

Much NSFW talk and spoilers below.


Rebecca: Let’s start with Black Panther. The King.
Agent X: Diving right into spoilers, eh? He’s only a Disney Prince at the beginning of the movie. As soon as you see he has a pleasant relationship with his father, you KNOW that guy is toast.
Rebecca: Awww, and there’s even the dead dad. I think we can say he’d be focused. We haven’t seen him in anything remotely resembling fun mode, so it’s a bit tough. Unless hunting down fugitives is what Black Panther does for shits and giggles, in which case, go you.
Agent X: Focused. Also experienced - I mean, he’s a literal PRINCE who looks like Chadwick Boseman. No way that guy doesn’t get any lady he wants. Lady or fella or other.
Agent X: But he is capable of warmth and smiles! He has a nice chat with Black Widow and with his father before everything goes to shit.
Kristy: He’s a man of passion and impulse. That matters.
Rebecca: Plus, he seems a bit bold. As SOON as shit goes down at the UN, it’s “Whelp, time to put on my armored catsuit and hunt some assholes down.” He’d be up for some stuff, I think.
Agent X: I think he’d be focused and experienced and also surprisingly warm and considerate. However: fun? Kinky? Creative? Those, I don’t know about.
Rebecca: I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I don’t think we know enough to say definitively. He just seems so DIGNIFIED.


Kristy: He wears a cat suit to war. Dude would be kinky.
Agent X: Excuse you, do not make light of his dumb cat suit. It is a proud tradition or something. Yes. Maybe too dignified?
Kristy: Can a man in a cat suit be “too dignified?”
Rebecca: Before Boseman, I’d have said nah, but he sells it. I assume we’ll see him cut loose a bit and have fun in the stand-alone movie. This is not DC.
Agent X: Everyone in the MCU dresses like a clown. And: yes, he’s experienced. But he also doesn’t really have to try, if he doesn’t want to. Do we think he still does?
Rebecca: I think he has the utmost respect for the people around him. I think he’d make an effort.
Agent X: (still lol-ing at “can a man in a cat suit be ‘too dignified’”)
Rebecca: More than Thor would, who has a similar “prince who gets tons of ass and doesn’t NEED to try” circumstances.
Kristy: Yeah, but he seems to strive to be the best at whatever he does. Diplomacy, revenge, justice. Boot knocking.
Agent X: This all sounds like very respectful and dignified and skilled lovemaking.
Rebecca: But ~~~catlike grace~~~
Agent X: … I’ve seen cats. They’re less graceful than you would expect. Not with lovemaking. Like in general.
Rebecca: Butthole licking. Just saying, if we’re talking about cat stuff.
Agent X: Are we talking about cats or about Black Panther now?
Rebecca: …..Plead the 5th
Kristy: So, Black Panther - good lay. Maybe not super “fun.”
Agent X: Okay, my final verdict: I think he’d be very good and respectful and skilled and all that, but maybe a little bit too…dignified. Too serious. Sex is inherently kind of a dumb, silly, undignified activity.
Rebecca: Sounds good to me. Speaking of silly and undignified: Ant-Man!


Kristy: Nice segue.
Agent X: Okay, he’s Paul Rudd, so I am crazy biased on this one.
Rebecca: He has ABS. Has he used the shrinking/growing tech to try to enlarge his dick? I vote yes.
Kristy: But only IN the suit. Buzzkill. How long was Ant-Man in prison?
Agent X: Unclear. His daughter is pretty young, so not THAT many years.
Kristy: I’m just wondering how out of practice he is.
Rebecca: I don’t think he’s THAT rusty.
Agent X: He’s been fucking Evangeline Lilly, so he’s not out of practice.
Rebecca: And Evangeline Lilly would not let him slack off. You saw her in that training montage.
Kristy: No. I refuse to believe Hope has ever had sex. She is the Webster’s visual representation of frigid.
Agent X: Okay, but he’s still had practice. It’s not like his dick has rusted over.
Kristy: UGH. Thanks for that visual.

paul rudd.gif

Rebecca: He’s fun, a bit reckless.
Kristy: I think he’d be fun, but unfocused.
Rebecca: Not necessarily good for the long haul, but maybe more emotionally present than your average playboy type?
Kristy: He’d probably want to fuck with the TV on. And not like fun TV, but like hockey.
Agent X: Aw, I don’t think he’s that rude. He’d be up for weird positions and shower sex and all that stuff. But of all the Avengers he also seems most likely to end up in the hospital with a sex-related injury.
Rebecca: He’s in it for the fun, but not dickish and narcissistic like Tony Stark would be. Agreed re: the sex-related injuries. Bruce Banner is going to get some weird calls from him. “I keep telling you, I’m not that kind of doctor!”
Kristy: He’s just a dude in a supersuit though. Nothing about Scott leads me to believe he’s got an edge in the bedroom. Well, aside from his Paul Ruddness.
Rebecca: He’s fun, he’s adventurous, he has abs. I don’t get maestro vibes, sure, but I don’t know what else you want!
Agent X: I think he’s probably not super experienced or technically skilled, but that (unlike Black Panther) he probably has a sense of humor about the whole thing.
Rebecca: He’s into roleplay. He tries to get Hope into it and she slaps him.
Kristy: Ugh. Hope is the WORST, Burr. He’d be eager at first, I guess. But he doesn’t seem great at follow through.
Agent X: Yeah. I think he’d be a solid lay. Maybe not GOAT lay, but a one-night stand you’d look back at fondly.
Rebecca: Please don’t say “goat lay” ever again.
Rebecca: My point stands.
Kristy: Oh, see I didn’t follow that at all. I was like, “WHY are we laying goats? I thought a stern no bestiality rule was enforced on these chats.”


Rebecca: So are we talking about Rocket Raccoon then, or nah?
Kristy: NEVER.
Agent X: No.
Rebecca: I am COMPLETELY OK with us not doing him or Groot.
Agent X: No please.
Kristy: Agreed. I am (not into) Groot.
Agent X: I draw the line at robot men made of vibranium and AI and Thanos’ sad salty tears.
Rebecca: But I mean we did talk about Yoda. I’m OK with us drawing that line, but we’re being a bit hypocritical, I must say. Let’s just own up to the fact that we were willing to talk about Yoda dick.
Agent X: I’m okay with being hypocritical if it means I don’t have to imagine whether Rocket and Groot have ever fucked.
Kristy: Yoda isn’t an animal, he’s an alien. And you call yourself a geek!
Agent X: BOOM. Turn in your geek card, Becca.


Rebecca: Hmmmmmmm. Well, Star-Lord has experience, we know that. He’s Han Solo, basically, right? Like Han, I think he thinks he’s better than he actually IS.
Agent X: Correct. I think he probably gets drunk, takes a girl home, and falls asleep while she’s blowing him.
Kristy: I think he’s actually pretty great in bed, because he’s not gawky like early Han. And that girl in his tee seemed pleased. Plus, he’s apparently splooshed all over the Milano (his ship), so dude has got some sort of practice.
Agent X: Not target practice, apparently. Is it really that hard not to streak your walls with jizz?
Rebecca: Eh, I still think he stumbles through a lot of stuff? Maybe he covers better than Han, but I think there’s still more bravado than actual skill.
Agent X: Like a fire hose that someone forgot to turn off? The more I think about the walls of his ship being covered in jizz, the less sense it makes.
Rebecca: I have lost control of this conversation entirely. Is it a kink thing? Is he sexually attracted to his ship?
Kristy: Look, not all sex is penetrative, Agent X. Maybe he’s super into mutual masturbation, or pegging.
Agent X: Sure, but WHY IS IT ALL OVER THE WALLS, still.
Rebecca: When he said that Jackson Pollock line, I assumed that he spends a LOT of time masturbating.
Agent X: Oh.
Rebecca: Which doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to be great in bed WITH A PARTNER.
Agent X: So he’s not THAT good at getting people to come home with him.
Rebecca: Look, he treated t-shirt girl like shit. He’s kind of a sleazeball.
Agent X: Yeah. Because he forgot she was there. Because he totally fell asleep drunk while she was blowing him.
Rebecca: Do we ever see his seduction techniques actually WORK in the movie? Gamora’s not impressed.
Kristy: He’s not boyfriend material. But bang buddy material? TOTALLY. I bet he takes a lot of pride in being good in bed. AND there’s potential for zero-G banging there. Gamora, though, is immune to his pelvic sorcery. It’s one of her superpowers.
Rebecca: I agree with Agent X. I think he has potential (Chris Pratt!), but too lazy to put in much effort.
Kristy: I mean, “pelvic sorcery!” How are we arguing about this!? It’s in the text.


Rebecca: But it’s all him talking about how great and bangable he is! I don’t trust that! Granted, “pelvic sorcery” was Gamora’s term, but you know what I mean. There’s a lot of bluster.
Agent X: But it’s good enough to be called “pelvic sorcery.” No one has ever called MY moves “pelvic sorcery.” :(
Kristy: I’d take Star-Lord over Ant-Man any day.
Agent X: I’d take Ant-Man over Star-Lord, but again, admittedly biased because PAUL MOTHERFUCKIN’ RUDD,
Rebecca: Nah, I’m for Ant-Man. Star-Lord’s too immature for me.
Agent X: If it’s good enough for Cher Horowitz, it’s good enough for me. You know how picky she is about her shoes, and those only go on her feet!


Rebecca: Ba-doom-ch.
Agent X: Okay, sorry, enough Clueless for now.
Rebecca: OK, now to someone we hopefully can all agree is objectively awful: Bucky Barnes. Through no fault of his own, Bucky sucks in bed.


Kristy: Poor sad Bucky.
Rebecca: Jizzing tears. Or NOT jizzing tears, because can he even get it up?
Kristy: Hm. I mean, I’d feel like chemical castration would be a part of Winter Soldier 101. You don’t want him breeding and growing feelings.
Rebecca: Nooooooo god, I’d never thought of that.
Agent X: Jesus Christ, that’s dark.
Rebecca: Walk this conversation back to before you said that. I can’t handle it.
Kristy: For the sake of argument, let’s assume I’m wrong. (Though I’m totally right.)
Agent X: I don’t think they made him incapable of having sex, but I think they probably made him sterile. They do it with the Black Widows; they would probably go ahead and do it to the Winter Soldiers, too.
Rebecca: Well, I mean the other alternative is that Hydra let him keep his woody so he could seduce marks, which is its own level of dark.
Kristy: I say “Winter Soldier” Bucky would be too emotionally shut down to connect in the bedroom. And that metal arm, I’d want nowhere near my tender nethers.


Rebecca: SEAMS.
Agent X: Do we think that metal arm is cold?
Rebecca: Yes. Hydra did not build a heater into that thing. He can’t have sex, and even if he could, he probably wouldn’t want to. Too much other stuff going on in his life.
Agent X: Are we all imagining Bucky trying to pleasure himself with a cold metal arm full of seams?
Rebecca: Well I wasn’t.
Kristy: Where’s that fan art? The saddest slash fic. (Editor’s Note: This is NOT A REQUEST!)
Agent X: Bucky / arm?
Kristy: HA!
Rebecca: Can Bucky ever get back to bangable? Is this situation salvageable by a good sex therapist?
Agent X: After a lot of therapy, maybe? Like A LOT.
Rebecca: Because presumably BEFORE WWII he was pretty good, if not amazing.
Agent X: Right. Oh God, I hate whoever brought up the notion that Bucky may have been forced to sleep with people for his missions before. It is TOO SAD. Accurate (if you have an assassin who looks like Sebastian Stan, why the fuck wouldn’t you employ him as a honeypot?) but TOO SAD.
Rebecca: You’re welcome, Agent X. If he has sex again, it’d have to be with someone he felt a strong emotional connection to - he’s gonna have a tough time being vulnerable.
Kristy: I bet he was a solid lay for the day. But I don’t know that he understood women back then had orgasms.
Rebecca: Hmmm. Well. 1940s gender stuff leads us right into Peggy Carter. Who wouldn’t let a man NOT give her an orgasm.
Agent X: Before we dive into that, let’s all pour one out for Bucky’s poor penis.


Agent X: I think she’s good. I don’t think she’s the fucking best. I think as much as she is ahead of her time, she’s still a product of the 1940s, and the sexual mores and expectations of the time. I think she, like Black Panther, might be slightly too dignified.
Rebecca: I mean, in general, yes, I’d agree. But I don’t know if that has a TON of impact when you consider she was in the middle of a war, surrounded by all these different cultures, IN FRANCE. She was not some housewife with no idea of where the dick goes.
Agent X: I’m not saying she doesn’t know where it goes. I’m saying she grew up in a repressive culture, and has a lot to unlearn, and even then will have internalized some ideas about sexuality.
Kristy: But she stepped outside of the box of her time’s expectations in so many ways. I think she’d be anything but submissive in the bedroom, and would find it as a real forum to go wild.
Rebecca: I just mean that the idea that sex shouldn’t be fun for women, or that women shouldn’t get as much from it as men, wouldn’t hold with her AT ALL. I think she sees past a lot of the sexist stuff in her culture in a lot of ways, so why wouldn’t sex be included in that?


Rebecca: She’s WORLDLY. But yes, I don’t necessarily see a lot of fun, kinky shit. Granted, I haven’t watched Agent Carter, so I’m only going off wartime Peggy.
Agent X: Eh. I’m not saying she’d be bad, guys! I actually think she would be quite good. I just think you do have to consider her as a product of the 1940s. She’s fun in Agent Carter, but sex appears to be pretty low on her list of priorities.I think she’d be more into emotional connection (“waiting for the right partner”) than one-night stands. Which is neither bad nor good, but worth noting.
Rebecca: Which would also mean she has fairly limited experience. So that affects things.
Kristy: She was a woman ahead of her time. She’d have been responsible for her own orgasms, but I believe GGG. She’s a great team player.
Rebecca: I don’t believe she’s out catching dick and having one-night stands. She seems too focused on other things.
Kristy: See, I think one-night stands would be a recurring theme. She’s a very busy lady. She gets laid, she gets on with her mission.
Agent X: Maybe she’d be like Neville. GGG, but not necessarily creative. I always just get the sense that sex isn’t high on her list of priorities.
Kristy: You guys both need to watch Miss Fisher’s Mysteries to see how an old-school lady can be a detective and a sexual being with many pleased partners. Peggy and Phrynie would get along like gangbusters.
Agent X: Okay, but that’s an entirely different character on an entirely different show.
Kristy: But in a similar time and with similar qualities.
Agent X: I’m willing to agree that Phrynie (based on the one episode I’ve seen) is GREAT. Like. GOAT! But she’s got a playful sexuality and flirtatiousness that Peggy doesn’t have.
Rebecca: I just don’t get a FUN vibe from Peggy. I don’t know. But again, haven’t seen AC.
Kristy: Phrynie is kinky, where I’d agree Peggy is probably not. But Peggy is cultured, subversive, lively. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!?
Rebecca: GOATS, apparently.
Agent X: To be fair, it sounds like we all agree Peggy would be good. But Kristy thinks she’s a fantastically skilled one-night-stand haver, and Rebecca and I think she’s probably more into emotional relationships and not especially sex driven. Is that about right?
Rebecca: Yyyyep.
Kristy: Yeah. This is Cap all over again.
Agent X: Which is appropriate!
Rebecca: Though I will add that the “emotional relationships” thing has gotta be tough for her when she’s a SPY, right?
Agent X: Considering.
Kristy: BTW, Chris Evans is on MY side of that one. Cap’s no virgin.
Agent X: Okay, who’s next?


Kristy: Yeah, we ranked Vision before, but now we’ve got Vision 2.0, sweater edition
Agent X: So, Kristy. Did that sweater change your perception of him?
Kristy: It did. Though he’s still not my type. I was sold that he’d be a warmer lover than I previously imagined.
Rebecca: He seems to be taking to human culture like gangbusters? Imagine Vision watching porn, which he definitely has for research.
Agent X: He’d make you Paprikash afterward! Or beforeward!
Kristy: But he’d be SO bad still.
Rebecca: Bad, but teachable.
Kristy: He’d need SO much training. The Paprikash is the perfect metaphor. “I’ve never eaten pussy before. Is this right?” Lady-boner killer.
Rebecca: LOL Kristy. I SHUDDERED. He’d have no concept of when it’s time not to talk.
Agent X: I think he would be technically skilled. I think it would be the squishier emotional stuff that he’d be bad at.
Kristy: WHY would he be technically skilled!?
Agent X: But he’d be warm and mean well. He’s so teachable! Because he knows, like, everything!
Rebecca: He’d do his research. But I don’t know how far that takes one, compared to experience, which he does not have.
Kristy: Knowledge is not experience. That’s like saying bros who watch porn MUST be good because knowledge. He’s never eaten food and fucks up a spice blend. He’s BEYOND a virgin.
Agent X: Paprika is not a spice BLEND, it is a SPICE. NOW WHO’S FUCKING UP PAPRIKA!?
Kristy: Paprikash is the dish. He fucked up the spice blend, which included paprika. I’ve seen this movie three times. Don’t you come for me, X.
Rebecca: I’m staying in my lane regarding Eastern European dishes.
Agent X: Fine. He’d be technically knowledgeable. And he COULD be skilled with some coaching. He’d be totally open-minded and game for anything.
Rebecca: So: Points for potential and (some) points for progress, but still not good, by any stretch of the imagination.
Kristy: He’s a teachable vibrator. You’d have to do all the work to get it where it needs. Just think how useless Siri is. Would you want that going at your lady bits? Of course not.
Agent X: Siri is not Jarvis.
Rebecca: Is there an android you WOULD want to fuck, Kristy? Because you seem anti-android.
Kristy: Why do I have to work so hard to convince you that fucking robots would blow?
Agent X: Because some of us are not BIGOTS, Kristy. The robots are gonna be so mad at you when they become sentient and take over.
Kristy: Lord. This is the Chewbacca debate all over again. The robot overlords will like me! I’m the only one that doesn’t want to get their gears gunked up!


Rebecca: OK, for someone who DOES want a piece of Vision’s purple dick: Scarlet Witch.
Agent X: She can move things with her mind! This seems like it would come in useful if you want, like, a handjob and she’s feeling lazy.
Rebecca: I do not want her mojo anywhere NEAR my bits EVER.
Kristy: Imagining a bored SW giving a handy from across the room. That’s hilarious.
Rebecca: Plus, it seems like she has POWER, but not precision. (See: How she flung Crossbones right into that building.) She’s just as likely to rip your dick off as make you come. Which is fine for Vision, because he can grow it right back.
Agent X: And Vision being like “Does it always work this way?”
Kristy: I mean, she could do zero-G sex on Earth. That could be rad.
Agent X: Zero-G sex on Earth sounds amazing! Okay, seriously though, Rebecca, you’re willing to fuck a robot but are weirded out by Scarlet Witch just because she’s telekinetic??
Rebecca: I wouldn’t fuck Vision NOW. I’d fuck Vision later, once he got good. And I’d fuck SW, but no powers in the bedroom.
Agent X: So, magical powers aside: any good?
Kristy: Eh. She seems kind of shut down. I don’t know that she’s had much experience.
Agent X: I guess she and Vision could teach each other. I think they’d figure out some stuff that works great for them and terribly for anyone else.
Kristy: Good for them. Being bad in bed together until they get it not awful. It’d be sweet and awkward, and I don’t want to see it in a Marvel movie. We already spend too much time on lame romantic subplots that go nowhere.


Rebecca OK OK. Should we move on to Falcon for the sake of Kristy’s sanity?
Agent X: Falcon! He definitely has a sense of humor.
Rebecca: And a sense of adventure.
Agent X: Yes. Loads of charisma. Plenty of focus.
Rebecca: And he seems to be good at establishing an emotional connection, at least with Steve, upon whom he imprinted like a duckling.
Agent X: LOL that’s such an accurate description of their relationship.
Kristy: Yeah, I think Falcon would be fun. Athletic. And probably wouldn’t be opposed to toys, considering all the gadgets he’s into in his crime fighting.
Rebecca: And he’s a gosh-darned THERAPIST, albeit for vets, so he won’t be judgmental. It seems to me like he’s the only Avenger capable of sustaining a normal, long-term relationship? Aside from Hawkeye, but LOL who cares. Hawkeye doesn’t count. Hawkeye never counts.
Agent X: War Machine probably could, but unclear if he does.
Rebecca: Ooh, that’s true.

Kristy But Rhodey is SO into Steve’s life and troubles. That’d get in the way of a relationship elsewhere.
Rebecca: His partner would have to be OK with multiple midnight phone calls from Tony Stark. S/he would have to be the most tolerant person EVER. It seems like Falcon actually had a normal life before he started superhero-ing in a way that the others didn’t? Like, he got into things fairly well-adjusted already. We’ve seen Rhodey in how many movies now, and there have been NO hints of dating/romance/anything like that.
Kristy: Falcon I can see finding a work/life balance. But Rhodey - he’s a soldier and a friend above all else in a way I think would hurt intimacy in his personal life.
Agent X: I think Falcon might secretly be the best sex-haver out of the Avengers.
Rebecca: I think I agree. Lack of issues goes a long way.
Agent X: He’s not emotionally damaged. He’s not narcissistic. He seems focused and considerate and open-minded.
Rebecca: He’s tolerant and fun and adventurous
Kristy: Bit cocky, but that’s not a problem.
Rebecca: Ey-ohhhhhhh
Agent X: He probably has a reasonable amount of experience considering he has Anthony Mackie’s face and body and Anthony Mackie’s charisma. He also seems emotionally equipped to handle other people’s issues, to some extent, since that’s his day job pre-Steve Rogers.
Rebecca: So is he better than everyone from this chat AND everyone we talked about before?
Rebecca Is he better than Thor?
Kristy: Oh lord, the Thor can of worms.
Rebecca: Thorrible.
Agent X: I think Thor is the one-night stand that you remember as being pretty great and kind of weird.
Kristy: Thor v Falcon would be a VERY subjective battle.
Agent X: I think Falcon is the ex you can still be on good terms with.
Rebecca: Thor is the weird frat boy from Scandinavia in the avengers college AU.
Kristy: It depends on what kind of lay you’re looking for.
Rebecca: I’d say Thor=better one night stand, Falcon=better at actually having a relationship with. But still not bad as a one night stand by any means
Agent X: Thor would be the more exotic adventure. But Falcon would be more reliable and solid.
Rebecca: I’d want SOME stability in my long-term relationships.
Kristy: And he’d probably make breakfast the morning after.
Agent X: He literally does! In The Winter Soldier. He’s like, do you guys eat breakfast??
Rebecca: And he brings Nat her hair-straightener!
Agent X: Also for some reason it seems like he owns a flat-iron (HOW is Nat’s hair so straight?
Rebecca: You know he keeps tampons under the sink. He’s a considerate man.
Agent X: I did not go into this conversation expecting Falcon to be possibly the most fuckable Avenger, but here we are.

Rebecca: OK, people we have not talked about yet: Pepper, Sharon, Gamora, Drax, Thanos.
Agent X: Pepper is very patient, obviously.
Kristy: Pepper does lots of yoga, and she puts up with Tony. So, patient, nurturing, flexible.
Rebecca: Pepper should love herself more (metaphorically, not literally). She deserves so much better than Tony.

Rebecca: Drax is too childlike. I know he has kids, But I cannot. He just seems too SWEET to me, which is weird, because he’s a stone-cold murderer.
Agent X: He’s not childlike. He’s just very literal.
Kristy: Drax. He’d have great stamina, but no imagination.
Agent X: Oh God, can you imagine explaining sex positions to Drax, though? He would be confused as to how he can do “missionary position” when he is not a missionary.
Kristy: Doggy style would get weird.
Agent X: Can you imagine Drax trying to talk dirty?
Rebecca: No, nor do I want to.
Kristy: “Your vaginal folds have a pleasing temperature!”

Rebecca: I feel like Gamora has neither the interest nor the inclination, for the most part. Like, speaking of inability to emotionally connect. She was a damn child soldier.
Kristy: Yeah, Gamora is most definitely a virgin, emotionally shut down. She’d need a lot of coaching. But luckily I’d bet Star-Lord would be game.

Agent X: Let’s skip Sharon.
Rebecca: Yeah, like the Russos should have skipped Sharon, too.
Kristy: Sharon sucks. Period. She’s Peggy Lite. She’s those dessert recipes that use vegetables in the place of chocolate.

Agent X: We all know Thanos is terrible in bed right?
Rebecca: Thanos’ dick is two inches large, and he calls it “THE CHARGER” or “THE BATTERING RAM” or something.
Kristy: “The Widow Maker”
Rebecca: LOLOLOL
Kristy: That’s how they go. They die from laughing.
Agent X: Aw, don’t dick-shame dudes. It’s not his fault it’s tiny! But, it is his fault that he calls it THE WIDOW MAKER. (Which I’ve decided is just canon.)
Rebecca: I’m just saying! It’s alllll build-up, no delivery.
Kristy: There’s an Infinity Stones joke in here somewhere…

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Kristy Puchko is the managing editor of Pajiba. You can follow her on Twitter.