By Kristy Puchko, Rebecca Pahle & Agent X | Think Pieces | June 3, 2016 |
By Kristy Puchko, Rebecca Pahle & Agent X | Think Pieces | June 3, 2016 |
You asked for it you got it! Kristy, Rebecca, and Agent X have speculated on the sex lives of characters from Harry Potter, Disney villains, Star Wars: original trilogy and The Force Awakens, The Avengers, and Captain America: Civil War. Now the time has come to dive into the seedy underbelly of Archer sex.
You might well wonder how a show that’s practically dripping in sploosh has taken us so long to get around to. Well, Rebecca doesn’t watch it. Can’t or won’t? Either. But what would a serious discussion be without her? Lacking a lot of bonkers gifs, that’s what.
Rebecca: OK, we good to phrasing and sploosh? Is that what the Archer kids say? Something about ants?
Kristy: See, you’re getting it!
Agent X: Good job, Rebecca.
Rebecca: BAZINGA… Wait, wrong show.
Agent X: Oh my god, if we ever did A Serious Discussion of Big Bang Theory the commenters would revolt, right?
Rebecca: They owe us after finally doing an Archer VSD post.
Kristy: I’d revolt. Or be revolted. Whichever.
Kristy: Okay, let’s begin with the man himself, Sterling Archer.
Agent X: Archer CLEARLY knows what he’s doing. Women (and some men) throw themselves at him on a regular basis, and a surprising number of them seem to walk out reasonably satisfied.
Kristy: Also, he’s into kink. Though paddles are a huge emotional trigger. But he’s down for threesomes, anal, and has a lust for thrill-seeking.
Rebecca: From the gifs I’ve seen, he seems like a ho. No offense to hos.
Agent X: But I say “surprising,” because hoo boy, you know he is not a generous or considerate lover.
Agent X: And also, you KNOW that fuckstick is just COVERED IN DISEASES
Rebecca: Like Han Solo? Thinks he’s better than he is? Bravado? Is he that type?
Agent X: “Thinks he’s better than he is, bravado” sums up the character’s entire persona in AND out of the sack.
Rebecca: Man, I DO know everything there is to know about Archer!
Kristy: I think he’s definitely great in bed, but almost by accident. Like he’s not usually emotionally invested. So if you’re just in it for the fucking—and making him wear a condom—it’d be fun.
Rebecca: Just strollin’ through this conversation like
Agent X: Yes… a condom. A real condom, not a candy bar wrapper.
I feel like maybe he’s someone you’d do for the experience (he is very good looking and seems just wild in bed), but that the first thing you do when you walk out of that room is speed-dial your doctor and make an appointment for an STD test.
Rebecca: Dear Diary: I had sex weird sex with Sterling Archer and took twelve showers. Double-wrap that shit.
Kristy: I mean, he’s on fire with Lana in closets, bathrooms, wherevs.
Do we think she’s good in bed? She has giant hands, but a short temper.
Rebecca: He’s not literally on fire, though? He could be literally on fire and I wouldn’t know. That’s not sexy.
Agent X: No, but I feel like there is a good chance your cooch will FEEL like it’s on fire every time you pee, after you fuck him.
Rebecca: Giant hands + short temper I think is a combination that would appeal to a certain subset of our commenter population.
Agent X: To be fair, you would also have an extremely short temper if you had to deal with Sterling and the rest of these dipshits every day.
Kristy: Lana is into role-play, foodplay, interracial porn, and even put up with Archer fucking her while he took a call from his mom. So GGG?
Rebecca: Can you be GGG when you’re THAT kinky? I thought kink put you out of GGG zone.
Agent X: Mmmm……….. GGG-ish. She would make it very known if you were not up to par, right?
Kristy: Well, she’d be like Advanced level kink. But you have a good point. How patient would she be getting a lover up to par?
Agent X: Not very would be my guess.
Kristy: So Archer is selfish, and Lana is impatient. What about the third wheel of that relationship: Cyril Figgis.
Agent X: Lana did put up with Cyril for a long time. But apparently he’s kind of good, too, or at least has such a huge dick that it makes up for many of his deficiencies.
Rebecca: I’m looking at a picture of Cyril and he’s wearing a sweater vest
Agent X: The other thing you need to know about Cyril is that he sounds like Doctor Spaceman, Chris Parnell.
Rebecca: 30 Rock is another thing I never watched.
Kristy: Dear Commenters: If we haven’t covered a show/film you like, assume Bex is why.
Rebecca: Pictured: Rebecca:
Kristy: Cyril is hung, and really into backdoor. Also he sucks at monogamy.
Agent X: Wait wait wait. Hung AND really into backdoor? …. Ouch.
Rebecca: Hung and really into backdoor doesn’t seem like the greatest combination, really?
Kristy: I bet Cyril cries during sex.
Agent X: I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY THAT.
Kristy:Actually, he did with Cheryl, right? As he was choking her out?
Agent X: I was going to say “hey, you know how there’s one character in every one of these who you KNOW just cries during sex? It’s definitely Cyril.”
Rebecca: He’s the Draco Malfoy? Does he have Issues?
Agent X: They all have issues.
Kristy: He’s like proof that size doesn’t matter. You can still be a limp dick.
Agent X: BAZINGA
Kristy: Like metaphorically if not actually.
Rebecca: He’s a spiritual limp dick.
Kristy: So what about nutty Cheryl Tunt of choke-fetish and emotional abuse?
Kristy: I think I answered my own question there.
Agent X: … Yup.
Rebecca: Is Cheryl the one who had the pet leopard or something? She’s a freak, right?
Kristy: Babou is an ocelot. And yes.
Agent X: If you’re one of those people who is like, “I like people who are CRAZY in bed. THE CRAZIER THE BETTER. SO CRAZY. I LOVE CRAZY,” then she is for you.
Agent X: Otherwise, step away slowly.
Rebecca: Is there anything that Cheryl Tunt would not do?
Agent X: Literally no. Like I feel like a lot of people, guys especially, think they love “wild” and “crazy” girls in bed. She will push that to the limit and then some.
Kristy: Yeah, she started on the show as an uptight flower (“just the tip!”) but devolved into a “don’t stick your dick in crazy” PSA pretty quick.
Rebecca: …….necrophilia? Like, that sort of thing?
Kristy: Like she might literally set you on fire.
Agent X: She’d probably do it. She does love fire.
Agent X: There is like an 90% chance you will die having sex with Cheryl. You would have better luck surviving a three-way encounter with Black Widow and the Hulk.
Kristy: Well, we know Krieger would do the dead.
Rebecca: Which one is Krieger?
Kristy: The bearded “doctor,” who was engaged to a Japanime hologram.
Agent X: Ooh, yes, Krieger. Oh, man. Well, you know he’d be up for anything, but also that there is a good chance he would secretly hypnotize and/or create a robot clone of you…
Kristy: So Krieger (or possibly Krieger’s surviving clone) - how do we think he’d be with a living, human partner?”
Agent X: Well he is not very nice to his holographic anime girlfriend. They fight a lot.
Rebecca: I have to be honest here, you’re making everyone on this show sound kind of terrible in bed.
Agent X: So, he’s not great boyfriend material! Even aside from the fact that he dates a hologram.
Rebecca: Or at least deeply frightening, which to me = terrible
Agent X: “Deeply frightening” is about right.
Rebecca: How do you fuck a hologram?
Kristy: He also spies on people in the bathroom. Wow. I might actually fuck Cyril before Krieger, Bob Ross makeover or no.
Agent X: Hmmm. Cyril. Krieger. Well, I think you’d be more likely to survive an encounter with Cyril, so… yeah, agreed.
Rebecca: He sounds like he’d come suuuuuuper quick. And a one and a two and a DONE.
Kristy: Yup yup yup yup yup. Then jazz hands!
Kristy: What about Mallory, Archer’s mom.
Agent X: She is great in bed.
Rebecca: Mallory’s the one who looks like Lucille Bluth, right?
Agent X: Yes. She’d be terrifying, but great.
Rebecca: Experienced? She seems like she’s been around the block and knows what she wants. From the gifs I’ve seen.
Kristy: She’s been around, and is down for kink that includes zentai, dildos, and group sex.
Rebecca: I want to ask what zentai is and also I don’t.
Agent X: Like Minerva McGonagall if Minera McGonagall were cruel and terrifying and actively wanted to make you cry in bed (but would also scorn you for crying in bed). Does that sound accurate, do you think, K?
Kristy: Yeah, McGonagall meets Beatrix LeStrange. Plus, she’s still got it.
Agent X: Less crazy than Bellatrix.
Kristy: Like I bet Mallory likes showing off in bed, but then she’d use soul-crushing criticisms to get your ass out of her fancy ass apartment.
Rebecca: There is so much crying in Archer sex!
Agent X: Cheryl is Bellatrix-crazy.
Kristy: I mean Mallory would be more abusive, less scary violent.
Rebecca: She doesn’t screw any Hitlers, does she? I’m gathering that she WOULD, but she HASN’T?
Kristy: No. Though she has banged Cyril, Cheryl and Pam.
Agent X: She definitely would, but Hitler is not a character on the show, so no. But not the most Hitler-esque of them all, Krieger… not yet, anyway…
Kristy: I mean she did sleep with a different fascist for decades even though he killed her baby daddy.
Rebecca: Christian Slater is a character on the show?
Agent X: Yes.
Rebecca: When are we going to talk about Christian Slater?
Kristy: He’s called Slater, and now is good.
Rebecca:OK, so: magnificent. Though actually, he’s also JD from Heathers, and you know JD from Heathers was inconsiderate as shit.
Agent X: I don’t know, man, after all the characters we’ve talked about Slater seems like he’d be kind of… boring?
Kristy: Frankly, Slater is too free with his knock-out gun for me to get too comfortable with him. Also, as keyed up as this show is about sex, Slater has no sexual vibe to me at all, despite EVERYONE flirting at him.
Agent X: Though in this context, I suppose “boring” is a good thing because it means you will probably come out alive.
Agent X: GET IT? COME?
Rebecca: AGENT X, YOU PUNNED!
Kristy: I mean surviving a sexual encounter is good, not to be undervalued.
Rebecca: Honestly it’s sounding like Christian Slater is the most reasonable option on this show for boot knocking.
Agent X: Mmm, I dont know. I have to agree with Kristy. I don’t get much of a sexual vibe from him, either. He’s… probably… fine? He’s probably selfish, but so are literally all Archer characters.
Kristy: Well we haven’t gotten to Ray? He’s probably the character who’s gotten the least sex in all the seasons. In part because he’s frequently out of commission because Archer is a crippling dick, or is crippling his dick.
Agent X: Is Ray’s dick bionic?
Rebecca: I like where this conversation is going.
Agent X: I know a lot of him is.
Kristy: I mean, we know Krieger convinced him to get bionic legs with the promise of boners, so…maybe?
Agent X: So… probably? And, we know Kristy’s stance on fucking robots.
Kristy: But to be honest, all those bionics would freak me out. You know how I feel about robo-banging.
Agent X: Mostly these little chats expose Kristy as a robophobe.
Kristy: I mean, Ray’s gay. So he’d probably turn me down anyway. So win win?
Agent X: BUT IF HE DIDN’T.
Rebecca: He’s gay and he has robo-parts so he’s Archer’s Bucky Barnes?
Agent X: Would you do it? I bet that dick has no seams, so you can’t argue that.
Rebecca: Would a robo-dick have seams?
Agent X: I just can’t imagine why Krieger would design it with seams.
Rebecca: It would have to, right? It would have to have SOME movement?
Agent X: He still has a person face, so he won’t go all rainbow spinny wheel like we decided Vision would. I imagined it is encased in bendy silicone. Or a similar soft-ish material.
Rebecca: Oh, see, that makes sense. Seams are terrible, but I don’t know how I feel about a literal giant metal rod.
Kristy: Presumably the dick would look and feel “real” with the possible plus of vibrating, if we’re to take Katya’s robo-vag as evidence.
Agent X: Yes! True.
Rebecca: So it’s a literal sex toy down there?
Agent X: You know what, I’m in. I want to see this magical bionic dick for myself.
Kristy: Okay IF I were to fuck a robot, and Ray for some reason was into it, I could see going cyborg laying.
Agent X: I do not think he would be particularly great in bed, but as we said about Slater, one major perk is that you would probably actually survive this tryst.
Rebecca: I’m gonna go with “the ones who aren’t crazy and violent,” so it’s a Slater/Ray sandwich for me.
Kristy: Since we dipped into cyborgs, how about Katya and Barry?
Agent X: Oh my God. Barry. My vagina just sewed itself shut. He’s almost definitely selfish in bed, but maybe less so than some of the others — and again, this is a universal trait in Archer-land.
Rebecca: He looks like Captain America. Except when he’s beardy, and then he looks like beardy Robert Redford. Facewise.
Kristy: Yeah, but his soul is that of a rotted, crap-covered rat carcass.
Agent X: Barry is an evil killer robot with a creepily chipper demeanor and a split personality disorder. He makes the other Archer people look normal and nice.
Rebecca: OK, that’s a dealbreaker, good to know. Would Cheryl fuck Barry?
Agent X: Yes. Or has she already, Kristy? You are the expert.
Kristy: They at least fooled around until he choked her out.
Rebecca: Is the answer to “Would Cheryl fuck __” always gonna be yes?
Agent X: Yes.
Kristy: Barry accidentally fucked Lana once, and then begged her for a second go. And his girlfriend fucked Archer and Cyril in the same day. So, I’m guessing before bionics he was a lame lay.
Agent X: Barry and Cheryl might be made for each other sexually?
She has to be the only person crazy enough to tolerate his crazy. Right?
Rebecca: Do you ship it?
Agent X: No. It is not really possible to ship people in Archer, I don’t think.
Rebecca: Why not?
Agent X: Because the people are all so terrible, basically.
Rebecca: Like 99% of Game of Thrones. Got it.
Kristy: But Cheryl loves getting choked to near death and violent maniacs. So, she’s kind of leaning into that ship.
Kristy: Katya has a vibrating vagina, and an ingrained knowledge of the karma sutra. I think I’d be too intimidated to get down with Katya.
Agent X: Intimidated how? Intimidated like she’s too pretty and you’d get all shy and bashful? Or intimidated like you think she might literally kill you?
Kristy: Pick one. She’s like SO knowledgeable about all things sex, and she vibrates, and she’s gorgeous Scar-Jo looking, and she’s a double-agent. I couldn’t calm down and just have fun. I’d be like nervous to terrified.
Agent X: Aw, Kristy’s got a crush!
Kristy: More like I’m afraid of being crushed.
Rebecca: So is she mean, personally?
Agent X: Not really. Well, not really by Archer standards. So still yes.
Rebecca: Like, she wouldn’t be understanding and patient with the sexual plebes?
Kristy: She’s scary! Like has a nasty revenge streak. She toyed with Archer’s heart to get Barry back from space, and then tried to fuck him just for revenge funsies. And she is mean to her dopey Russian lover, lying about being on the phone and all.
Agent X: I think Katya would be great in bed, and she seems slightly nicer and more forgiving than the other Archerians. Not saying much, but still! Plus, I don’t think she would kill you. Unless you fucked her over. In which case, run. Like a lot of the Archer people I think would kill you accidentally or just for funsies, but Katya would only do it on purpose and only if she had a reason… I am really not selling this, am I?
Rebecca: You’re saying she’s murderous, but not in an unhinged, psycho way.
Agent X: They’re all murderous.
Rebecca: If she has no reason to want you dead, you could enjoy yourself.
Agent X: Yep!
Kristy: She’s a cyborg - why assume you know her reasons?
Agent X: Yep! Ooh, touche.
Kristy: So, I think we’ve purposely saved Pam Poovey and her “cornucopia of nature’s treasure” for last.
Agent X: She is the best in bed, right? If you’re okay with how generally disgusting she is.
Rebecca: I know all the commenters want to schtup Pam, so I assume she’s a freak. I know our commenters.
Kristy: Pam is a fight clubber, yakuza racer, badass who got over coke addiction, and loves giving blow jobs.
Rebecca: Sexually a freak, not like a freak in a mean way. I like her.
Kristy: Well, she knocked Archer’s pants off.
Agent X: Yes. And Archer has been around the block.
Kristy: I think Pam is great, but not so much with boundaries.
Agent X: Pam is definitely the nicest Archer person (but she’s still not very nice).
Agent X: If this is A Serious Discussion of Which Archer Character Is Best in Bed, it is definitely Pam y/n?
Rebecca: Do you want to see a gif of a pirouetting squirrel?
Kristy: Totally, right? She’s confident, fun, doesn’t take anything too seriously.
Agent X: Wait, was “Do you want to see a gif of a pirouetting squirrel?” a response to “If this is A Serious Discussion of Which Archer Character Is Best in Bed, it is definitely Pam y/n?” Is that like Rebecca’s version of “Does a bear shit in the woods?”
Rebecca: Here’s one:
Agent X: Oh. You meant literally!
Kristy: You’d just have to get past the fact that Pam sucks at the whole seduction part, talking about how her “bush looks like I’m sitting on Jerry Garcia’s face” and such.
Rebecca: Do you want to see a gif of a pirouetting squirrel? It was a genuine question, Agent X.
Agent X: But that’s not a squirrel, that’s a person pretending to be a squirrel. So, I am disappointed.
Rebecca: wait i have another one. This is my favorite:
Agent X: My favorite Pam-ism is
Kristy: Not that she would.
Rebecca: I’m sorry. I am not taking this seriously at all.
Agent X: Where is your journalistic integrity?
Rebecca: I agree, from what I know, which is not much, that Pam is the best.
Agent X: Pam would only kill you on accident!
Agent X: And she’s not *especially* accident prone, so your odds of survival are pretty good!
Kristy: So Pam is the safest sex to be had!
Rebecca: ~*~upstanding citizen~*~
Agent X: She definitely comes closest to the GGG ideal, I think. She would be the most giving and generous lover, although she would definitely make you do some crazy shit in return.
Agent X: Here’s another thing about Pam: This is an experience you would remember FOREVER and possibly I’ll-be-in-my-bunk to for years to come.
Kristy: Like reverse roadhead.
Rebecca: wait what… that is NOT SAFE! But is she the goat?
Rebecca: Agent X likes goats.
Kristy: Oh, god I completely forgot that.
Agent X: IT’S NOT ABOUT GOATS
Kristy: IS she GOAT?
Rebecca: Agent X didn’t forget. Because she really likes goats.
Agent X: Besides, Rebecca likes charts and pirouetting squirrels! And CHAPPIE!
Rebecca: I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE
Kristy: Well this has come to an end as a big mess.
Rebecca: That’s what she said.
Kristy: Phrasing, Bex. smh
Rebecca: YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR.
Kristy: Well played.