In my ceaseless search for more Scandinavian thespians to spend way too much of my time mooning over, I find myself returning repeatedly to the Smörgåsbord of Skarsgårds. Stellan seems to have made it his life’s work to ensure that Sweden remains fully populated for the foreseeable future. We’ve talked extensively about the Skarsgård clan and their blessings from the gene pool. Everyone knows about Stellar Skateboard and the Objectively Perfect Body of Alexander. Gustaf has his fans, but then there is Bill.
I spent a lot of time having to come to terms with the fact that Bill Skarsgård is SO MY TYPE. I’m not kidding. If I were 16 years old again, I’d have his H&M photoshoot on my wall right next to that one photoshoot of Joaquin Phoenix where he’s sucking on a diner waitress’s leg (@ me on Twitter for the pic). Yeah, I’ve heard your criticisms. I’ve heard the talks of Steve Buscemi Eyes and your inability to get over the fact that he’s most well-known for playing a child mauling clown monster. I understand your plight. But I simply must confess that Bill stormed into Pajiba 10 territory around the time he became a vampire in Hemlock Grove and he has refused to leave.
I am not alone on this front!
Look, there’s something intensely appealing about a super tall, lithe Swede who has that perfect mix of Beatnik poet, Byronic anti-hero, and Olympic long-jumper. He’s the sort of dude whose allure would consume your adolescent emotions, but he’s also sweet and down-to-earth enough that you wouldn’t regret it when you became a proper adult. He likes Swedish maritime museums! And eating at steakhouses! He’s been nominated for the Swedish version of an Oscar!
He’s currently growing a dirtbag baby Gomez Addams moustache, and you know what, I’M STILL INTO IT!
Honestly, a big part of the Bill appeal for me is that he’s one tall drink of water in a family chock full of them, and they all take immense pleasure in publicly mocking him during his big career breaking moment. Look at those shots from the It premiere, where Alexander and Gustaf are there to remind their baby bro that he’s still just a dweeb who’s not above being embarrassed by his siblings. Get someone who appreciates you as much as Alexander Skarsgård appreciates Bill Skarsgård.
It’s tempting to cheat and submit the collective of Skarsgårds as one FYC entry, but I picked Bill because Alexander doesn’t need the promotional web-space. He’s doing fine in Pajiba HQ. I’m here for the underdog with the piercing stare, legs for days, and super pouty lips.
Get freaky. Float. Vote Bill Skarsgård.
(Gifs from giphy.com and header photograph from Getty Images).