The upcoming Star Wars: Rogue One takes place in that dark time when a lovesick moisture farmer with sand in his crack has just lopped the arm off the greatest jedi of the time, aligned with a hissing sith lord with tic-tac teeth, 86’d a bunch of lisping cuties in their jedi playhouse, and donned the coolest plastic costume in movie history.
“Rogue One takes place before the events of Star Wars: A New Hope and will be a departure from the saga films but have elements that are familiar to the Star Wars universe,” Kathleen Kennedy said in a statement. “It goes into new territory, exploring the galactic struggle from a ground-war perspective while maintaining that essential Star Wars feel that fans have come to know.”
That’s when Rogue One takes place. In the dark times, when plastic is king. This is a story that veers away from the big names, and fills in the blanks with some of the plot we’ve heard about but haven’t seen. These are the faceless ones. The red-shirts on the away team.
You know, the lesser known stories. Less of this:
Listen up people! We’re going to build ONE superweapon. Just one! Our data suggests that’s the best course of action and probably won’t come back to bite us in the ass more than once.”
And more of this:
“Immodium A-D. Because diarrhea doesn’t care if you’re in the middle of a tactical strike.”
All because one dude couldn’t turn down a little nookie from Natalie Portman. Here’s a picture of him with a flaming red boner. That’s how hot Princess Amidala is.
Look away! I can’t stand for you to see how red my boner is.
No Jedi should know all that shit.
But he did, didn’t he? One Jedi rose above the arbitrary ‘rules’ of some ancient religion to make passionate love to Natalie Portman in the itchy razorgrass outside Theed. Mmmmm. So worth it.
Rogue One is the story of what happens to billions of people after one teenager with hair that will never be as god-mode as Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse gets his rocks off with the star of Black Swan.
And sends the galaxy…under the plastic dome.
I’m not breaking new ground here, but I really hope that these knobs are volume controls. Or like one is volume and one is L/R balance. So that sometimes Anakin has to say “Hang on! Hang on!” and reach up to noodle with one of the knobs and he’s like “goddamnit that’s the balance again. Who designed this thing?” I hope that he pays for murdering those kids in the temple with constant irritation from a poorly designed suit. Like, there’s no zipper, so when he takes a leak he has to pull his entire lower rig down to his ankles, toddler style.
Does he even realize that he brought the whole pre-teen Jedi robe making business to a screeching halt?
It’s something the new, offshoot Star Wars Cinematic Universe may explore…
Somewhere…in a shitty part of Coruscant… a mother and daughter owned padawan robe factory is struggling. Dad has been forced into service designing annoyingly loud klaxons on the forest moon of Endor. How will they make ends meet?
Daughter: Mom, we have to think about importing Bantha tusks, grinding them down and selling them to Japanese businessmen as a sex potion.
Mom: No! We can’t.
Daughter: But the factory, since Dad’s been gone…it’s not enough.
Mom: I said no! We have a monthly purchase order from the Jedi Academy for junior padawan robes, sizes XS through Husky! As long as we have that, we’ll make it.
Mom: WE’LL MAKE IT.
But little do they know, somewhere on the filthy, overdeveloped streets of Coruscant, a hand with a purple lightsaber in it is flopping around like a fish on a Gungan hook barge. An angsty sociopath with sand in his crack and a monotone voice is pimp-walking up the steps to the Jedi Academy with a wake of white plastic thugs behind him, (every one of whom has an Australian accent), ready to shut down the toddler-to-tween youngling robe trade for good.
These are the stories you (may or may not) see in Rogue One.
It is a dark time. A time…of plastic.
Star Wars: Rogue One opens December 16th, 2016