This came as a shock to me, but America — the greatest country the universe has ever known — isn’t the only nation allowed to see the first new Star Wars movie in 12 years. Third-world banana republics like France, Britain, Germany, Japan and China will also have access to the galactic adventures of Finn, Rey, Han, Chewie, Leia, BB-8 and Luke (for three seconds at the end, probably) when The Force Awakens hits theaters worldwide this December. Ugh. Look, foreigners just can’t relate to tales about a fledgling republic fighting for survival against an army of stormtroopers led by a ruthless dictator. But it’s 2015, and greedy Hollywood studios will chase every last dollar even if it means exporting quintessentially American legends across the pond. Gross. Trump 2016.
All right, enough nonsense. Here’s what you came for:
The Japanese version isn’t as majestic or tear-inducing as the clearly superior AMERICAN version, but there’s lots of great new footage that wasn’t in last month’s trailer. Such as:
This spectacular establishing shot that almost certainly takes place right before the opening sequence of the theatrical trailer.
A badass shot of tie fighters silhouetted against a blazing desert sun
A new shot of Kyle Ren’s (AKA JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF ) Crosssaber.
And finally, Ren scaring the midochlorians out of Rey.
Star Wars: The Force Awakens opens — sighhhhh — worldwide on December 18th. WAIT WHAT THOSE TEA-DRINKING LIMEYS ACTUALLY GET TO SEE IT A DAY BEFORE US AMERICANS! GET J.J. ABRAMS ON THE PHONE, NOW!