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Disney And 'Star Wars' Are Out Of Their Effing Minds With Crazy Merch

By Jodi Smith | Star Wars | December 15, 2015 |

By Jodi Smith | Star Wars | December 15, 2015 |

Star Wars has always enjoyed a steady revenue from merchandise sales. According to Bloomberg, that revenue would be $2 billion in years that don’t have a movie premiering. Of course, this year - this week! - has Star Wars: The Force Awakens helping to bolster merch sales.

I’m cool with action figures, apparel, cereal, and stuff like that. However, my only explanation for these bizarre Star Wars that Disney decided money would be made regardless of what strange stuff they slapped a Wookie on.

1. Fruit is not a tie-in, but a healthy part of a balanced diet and tasty scurvy preventative. I guess if BB-8’s mission is to make kids eat oranges then MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Hypocritically, I am 100% on-board with the Coffee-Mate Creamer tie-in.

2. These are the ugliest shoes in every galaxy, from far, far away to the Walmart in town. I don’t understand the tassels. I feel that the need to plaster STAR WARS on the back of the shoes makes them a terrible product to celebrate the brand. Sure, the light saber heels should give it away, but the sheer heinous of the overall shoe makes it hard to see them.

3. Covergirl has an entire Star Wars cosmetic line that is divided into Light Side and Dark Side. They have lipsticks in super flattering shades like Lilac, Gold, and Silver! The only difference between the Light Side and Dark Side mascaras? The Light Side is waterproof. The tubes are considered Limited Edition because there are quotes on them.

The entire line is clearly perfect for everyday wear, whether at work or on the go.

4. Duck Tape: Because how do you think Chewie and Han keep the Millennium Falcon together?

5. I don’t remember a Spencer’s Gifts being located on Coruscant.

6. Furbacca? Fuck you.

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Jodi Smith is a Senior Reporter, Film & Television at Pajiba. You can email her or follow her on Twitter.