The first — and only — full trailer for Telluride Film Festival darling Star Wars: The Force Awakens dropped last night during halftime of a QB competition for developmentally disabled athletes. Reactions were tepid. “Fuck this,” said the Internet in a unified voice not heard since Martin Shkreli slithered out of a decomposing racoon’s asshole.
In typical Internet fashion, writers scrambled to break down the “secrets” contained within this two-minute commercial. Sadly, they’ve all done a pathetic job, missing obvious connections hidden between the lines. Just like I did with this summer’s Fantastic Four trailer, I’ll reveal the surprises the mainstream pop-culture media is too frightened to expose.
The first bonkers shocker arrives within mere seconds. A mysterious masked figure descending into a pit. This has to be Daisy Ridley’s Rey, right? NOPE! What other mysterious masked figure from the Star Wars universe once fell into a pit? On a sand planet? Yup: BOBA FETT IS OFFICIALLY CONFIRMED FOR EPISODE VII, PEOPLE! A disembodied voice then asks, “Who are you?” “I’m no one,” a character responds. Bullshit. We know. You’re Boba Fett. Sounds ludicrous, right? Flat out moronical. Check out the next shot with a ship ascending into the stars.
Sure looks like Boba Fett’s ship, Slave 1, doesn’t it? Man, Slave 1? Really? That sounds like the most popular vanity plate in Mississippi or something. Anyway, it looks like his ship because it is his ship, bitch. Disney will reintroduce the character in Episode VII before his own spinoff film arrives in 2018. You’re welcome. But there’s so, so much more.
Next we have a shot of the
Republican National Convention Domhall Gleeson (is that his real name or a Star Wars character name? Because it sounds like the latter) addressing First Order troops. Cool, but not particularly interesting. On the surface, anyway. Check out the markings on the Stormtroopers’ backs. They read “O II.” As in, Episode II. As in, The Force Awakens is going to include time travel. HOLY COUCHFUCKING CHRIST, YOU GUYS!
It all fits when you cut through the distractions and LIBERAL MEDIA LIES. Savvy fans already know John Boyega plays a young Han Solo in Episode VII. What’s that, sheeple? You say some digital pogs or whatever reveals his name to be Finn? Sorry, losers. Finn is obviously an acronym for Fabricated Identity Needed for Nerds. Resist the truth if you want. The resemblance is uncanny. It’s just a fact: Han travels back through space-time to mentor his younger self. Exhibit A: the Millennium Falcon tunneling through a wormhole into the past.
“That’s hyperspace!” herds (“herds” are nerds who all think the same way) exclaim triumphantly. Shut your diaperface, I retort. Has hyperspace ever looked like this in previous Star Wars movies? NO! Because this is time travel, not space travel. There’s a difference. Exhibit B: And here’s a clearly older and paler Han Solo reminding Young Han that all the stories he’s heard are real because old Han experienced them in an alternate future timeline.
Exhibit C: Leia is also much older. And pretty sad about it.
Abrams used this same plot device before in Star Trek and certainly isn’t shy about dipping back into his back of tricks. Note the rampant lens flare and his choice to direct another movie with the word “star” in the title. It’s happening. Accept it and move forward.
Every Star Wars movie must show the audience a hero. Will Rebel Alliance hotshot Poe Dameron, played by Oscar Issac, become this generation’s favorite? He has more pressing problems in the trailer, namely, surviving a brutal mind-rape at the hands of Kylo Ren. The villain goes deep Inside Llewyn Davis to conjure a frightening apocalyptic vision of a most violent year. How do we know this mental assault takes place against Dameron’s will? Well, Poe Dameron is an anagram of Rape Mooned for a reason. It’s also an anagram of Enema Droop, but even I can’t connect these dots…yet.
Many have used this touching scene (get it?) as evidence that Dameron and Finn/Young Han are friends. That’s awfully presumptuous. FINN NEVER SAID HE KNEW POE DAMERON. HE SAID HE TOUCHED HIM ON THE SHOULDER ONCE!
This is a real mind-splitter folks, so you better bungie-cord your craniums before continuing on. Star Wars opens the week before Christmas, the Christian celebration of the birth of Christ. JJ Abrams, the maven behind Lost, didn’t choose this release date by accident. Jesus, as you may remember from Sunday school, was a long-haired white guy who died for his sins only to be resurrected later. Can you think of another long-haired messiah from the Star Wars universe who died for his sins?
Hmmmmm, do you see?
“I will finish what you started.” Inside-the-box thinkers believe Ren is vowing to continue Vader’s legacy. The truth? Vader is Ren. Like Jesus, Vader died and returned in a new form. He’s left his former identity behind yet still holds the same goals.
Need more proof? Jesus has long hair. Anakin has long hair. Kylo Ren? LONG LOCKS!
Also, Ren carries a lightsaber…IN THE SHAPE OF A CROSS! What more do you need here, guys? The fact that these are Easter Eggs — YOU KNOW, EGGS ASSOCIATED WITH THE DAY JESUS CAME BACK TO LIFE — should cement this theory as fact for even the most narrow-minded skeptics too reliant on “facts” and “science” and “plausibility” to grasp the full picture.
Do you see? Do you C? Open your eyes. Knowledge is calling to you. Just let it in.