By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Star Wars | May 4, 2016 |
By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Star Wars | May 4, 2016 |
Harry Potter. Disney villains. The Avengers. That other one. You know the drill by now. Caveat for your latest fictional character sextacular: Limited prequel characters, because we value our sanity, and none from The Force Awakens, because your merry sexographers hadn’t seen it yet when we talked and the whole post would just be ASDHAUIHCUIASACSA OSCAR ISAAC anyway.
The only thing left to say is:
Rebecca: Let’s start with the trio. Luke? I’m gonna say “inexperienced.”
Agent X: Are we talking Luke in A New Hope? Or like Return of the Jedi?
Kristy: Regardless, he comes in less than twelve parsecs.
Rebecca: Had to get that joke in there early, huh?
Kristy: ~high fives self~
Agent X: I bet Luke does a lot of high-fiving himself.
Rebecca: I have a hard time thinking of who Luke has even had sex with.
Kristy: He’s totally a virgin.
Rebecca: This entire discussion is really tempered by the fact that there are like four women in the entire Star Wars universe.
Kristy: But remember - Leia’s kiss had him goo-goo eyed.
Rebecca: So A New Hope Luke vs Jedi Luke, then… if A New Hope Luke is a virgin, wouldn’t Jedi Luke be, too? I mean, who did he fuck? (DON’T SAY LEIA.)
Agent X: Didn’t they spend a long time on that military base before Episode V? Do we not think there were any women there? Again, besides Leia. Even I don’t think Luke and Leia have boned.
Rebecca: Hmm, you’re right, there are some. And you know he got a lot of people wanting to climb on that dick after the extremely sexually innuendo-charged destruction of the Death Star.
Kristy: Even if he’s not a virgin, I have little faith he’s got a good boning in him.
Agent X: Do we think being good at the Force makes one better in bed at all?
Kristy: Hmmmmm….. I don’t think it has an impact.
Rebecca: I think you can use the Force to make one better in bed, but that’s some Dark Side shit.
Agent X: What! It’s Dark Side shit to use the Force to be good in bed?! That’s messed up. No wonder the Jedi went fucking extinct.
Rebecca: The Jedi are extremely Buddhist about that shit! It’s considered lazy to use the Force to turn on a light switch! You’re just supposed to walk over and do it.
Kristy: I think finding your center can make you a better lover. It gives you confidence and comfort in your body.
Rebecca: OK, I agree that the ~*~spiritual side effects~*~ of being a Jedi—concentration, empathy—could make you better in the sack. But actually using the Force in bed would be some shady stuff.
Kristy: Now I can’t shake the image of Darth Vader groping ladies from across a room like he does distance chokes.
Agent X: I think Luke would be eager and affectionate, and probably slightly better than you’d think (in Episode V and VI), but not spectacular.
Rebecca: I think Luke means well, but he doesn’t have a ton of experience. He’s teachable.
Kristy: Yeah, you’d have to be his Yoda. Sit on his face and be patient
Rebecca: Now I’m imagining Yoda sitting on Luke’s face, so thanks for that.
Agent X: All right, have we reached a verdict on Luke? Should we move next to…. Yoda?
Rebecca: That voice in bed.
Kristy: Yoda I’d buy being good in bed. And yet, I want no part of that. Hair out the ears is a big turn off.
Rebecca: “Like this do you, YESSSS, HMMMMM!”
Agent X: Oh my God I just imagined it and my vagina fused shut.
Rebecca: You’d be fucking Fozzie Bear. I couldn’t get over that.
Kristy: I’m opposed to Muppets fucking. This has been established.
Rebecca: I’ll bet Yoda’s a sexual wizard among his own people, though. You know, those who would actually fuck him. He’s a stealth sexual maestro.
Kristy: He’s the Wilt Chamberlain…that’s the many sex-having basketball man, right?
Agent X: Yes, I believe that’s what it says on his business card. I actually do buy that Yoda would be good in bed. He’s been around forever and is very in tune with the world around him.
Rebecca: Has Yoda fucked Mace Windu? Out of curiosity.
Agent X: Eh, why? It seems arbitrary.
Kristy: I barely remember who that is. I thought we were avoiding prequels.
Rebecca: Eh, you’re right. That’s a bag o’ cats I don’t want to open. However, I do think the prequels are relevant to the discussion of whether Darth is/was ever good in bed, because the answer to that is absolutely fucking not.
Agent X: Nope. No way.
Kristy: Okay, I have not seen those since they came out. But no.
Rebecca: But maybe he’s like Dirk Diggler with a foot-long dick, because that’s the only reason I can see Padme would have ever fucked him.
Agent X: When he wasn’t Darth Vader, he was a whiny, entitled, emo teen. Young Obi Wan is right there, and he looks like Ewan McGregor.
Rebecca: I feel confident in saying prequel-era Obi-Wan got some tail and was pretty good, but Ben Kenobi’s been a hermit on Tattooine for years. Was he celibate? He had to have been celibate.
Agent X: Probably. You don’t get a reputation as a hermit by sleeping around.
Kristy: But Obi-Wan at his prime is presumably hung like Ewan McGregor. So…
Agent X: I feel like you don’t really forget how to fuck. Old Obi Wan would probably be a little rusty, but pretty good once he got into the swing of it.
Kristy: Fucking is like a bicycle, you’re saying?
Agent X: Yep!
Kristy: Also, he’d be fun. Proof:
Rebecca: Kristy, you’re just using this as an excuse to post Ewan McGregor images. Keep going. Next up: Han, and the divisive issue of whether he and Chewie have fucked.
Kristy: I say they have. No question. At least once.
Rebecca: I just don’t get that vibe. I’m sorry. I know I’m the odd one out here.
Kristy: Look. Pirates historically banged for comfort or decompression or lust or whatever. Han and Chewie are space pirates. It’s just science.
Rebecca: They’re smugglers, Kristy. Smugglers and pirates are different.
Kristy: Are they?
Rebecca: What the fuck are you talking about, Kristy?! Pirates steal. Smugglers transport shit that other people stole. I am going to leave this conversation right now.
Rebecca: I would not put it past Han and Chewie to have fucked—it’s possible that they did, even if I don’t see it—but Han and Lando have definitely fucked. College-age experimentation type shit..
Kristy: I can see Han and Lando, like, competitively jerking off, but not fucking.
Agent X: Competitively jerking off? Do you win if you come first, or last?
Rebecca: ……..boys are weird.
Kristy: Yeah, penises are somehow the basis of many competitions for them.
Rebecca: I think Han has said he’s had a lot more sex than he’s actually had.
Kristy: I think Star-Lord has banged as many ladies as young Han claims to.
Agent X: I feel like Episode IV Han is not bad, but less experienced and less interesting in bed than he thinks/would like people to think he is.
Rebecca: Han is a lot better by by the end of the trilogy, because Leia taught that man some stuff. You know she will not tolerate her man being bad in bed. “No. Stay down there.”
Agent X: Leia is probably also his first serious girlfriend. I bet none of the other ladies have ever stuck around long enough to be like, “Um, no. Get your boob-grab game in order.”
Kristy: I bet with Leia Han is totally focused and intense.
Rebecca: Han joking calls Leia “Your highness” in bed sometimes. There’s maybe pegging. The fanfic writes itself.
Kristy: I won’t say Han and Leia have banged by the end of Episode VI. I will say I think his sexual game got better even without. Because there is serious heat in that scene until C3PO botblocked.
Rebecca: That scene. That scene is so good.
Agent X: It is! Surprisingly good. Coming from the same franchise that brought us that “sand is rough” pickup line.
Kristy: I mean, sand is rough. But not really bedroom banter. I bet the Han and Leia scene kicked a lot of men and women into puberty. Like you were on the fence, and then boom.
Agent X: My favorite part of the “sand is rough” line is when Anakin says “it gets everywhere” and you know he’s talking about his buttcrack.
Kristy: So Vader’s into butt stuff is what you’re saying.
Agent X: No, I’m saying he’s not into butt stuff. He hates sand!
Kristy: Because he’s had it in his butt.
Rebecca: “No, I’m saying Darth Vader’s not into butt stuff.”—Agent X, (c) 2015
Kristy: So young Vader would be garbage in bed. But cyborg vader?
Rebecca: I think he’s too busy angsting to ever do anything. I don’t see him doing it, ever.
Kristy: He can’t kiss or use his mouth without dying, right? Presumably that cod piece protects a wang, so let’s assume that’s intact. He just Jedi chokes himself.
Agent X: I don’t see Vader as being remotely interested in sex. Although I would not put it past Palpatine to use sex as a way to control Vader. They’ve got a real sub/dom thing going there. But I don’t think Vader is interested in sex, and I don’t think he’d be any good at it in any case. Other than maybe knowing what Palpatine likes.
Rebecca: This went down a real dark path. Let’s talk about whether Artoo has dildo attachments.
Kristy: I feel like C3PO is more likely to.
Agent X: C3PO has a crotch bulge. It’s weird.
Kristy: Like Lucas was “Let’s be clear, this bot’s got nards.”
Rebecca: But C3PO doesn’t even have attachments!
Kristy: How do you know that?
Rebecca: He doesn’t in the movies or any of the books.
Kristy: If he did have a dildo app, it’s not like that’d come up in the family-friendly movies.
Rebecca: I guess he could have a stealth dildo attachment that no one ever mentioned. In which case Anakin built it into him secretly as a child? Which would be weird.
Kristy: See, that bugs me because we see other CP3O-like bots. So what, did everyone steal the design?
Agent X: Maybe C3PO was like an Ikea desk. You “build” it, sure, but it’s a kit.
Kristy: And there’s a lonely hearts upgrade! Ribbed for her pleasure. Or his. Whichevs.
Agent X: I feel like Anakin built C3PO, and his mom was like “Mmmmmmm hey do you mind picking up this attachment next time you’re out?,” and he was like “Why, what’s it for?” and she got all shifty-eyed and was like “It’s for…. drilling. Yes, definitely drilling.”
Agent X: Oh God, though. Imagine C3PO talking to you in bed. It’s almost as bad as Yoda talking in bed.
Kristy: He’d be a crap lay, because his movements are stiff and he’s made of metal. I get sore sitting on a metal bar stool for too long.
Agent X: I guess he’d have to be on his back and you’d have to position yourself on top of him while he says things like “Oh my!”
Rebecca: And complains about how you’re straining his joints.
Agent X: And accuses you of being improper. Which is maybe fair seeing as you’re fucking an etiquette droid.
Kristy: Ugh. Vision all over again. This makes me want to be Amish.
Rebecca: R2-D2 is at least feistier.
Agent X: I think R2 is sexless, but would be like “sure, whatev” if you asked him to add a dildo attachment.
Kristy: Fucking R2 would be like humping a fax machine. No. Beep boop boop. No.
Agent X: He does not strike me as someone who would be judgmental about one’s sexual needs.
Rebecca: Would you rather fuck R2 or 3PO?
Agent X: R2. 3PO would be so much with the talking.
Kristy: At best, he could vibrate and you could sit on him like he’s a washer with a janky rinse cycle.
Agent X: I bet R2 could also have a Fleshlight attachment. I mean, why not? He’s like a KitchenAid mixer. You just stick whatever you want on him.
Kristy: Still no. Hands are better than sex toys that chatter at you.
Rebecca: How about Lando? Lando knows what’s what.
Kristy: I refuse to believe he’s not all kinds of fun in bed.
Agent X: Cape on or cape off?
Rebecca: Cape on. And only cape on.
Agent X: Cape-on Lando is good in bed. Cape-off Lando is just, like… Disco Stu. I cannot stress enough how important that sweet space cape is to his appeal.
Kristy: I mean, Vader wears capes too. But it’s not kicky.
Agent X: I bet Lando taught Han a few tricks.
Kristy: In their “saber battles”?
Rebecca: I mean, Lando owns a damn city. He has that sweet space cape. You know as soon as he joined the Rebel Alliance people were jumping all over him. You wouldn’t expect him to stick around the next morning, necessarily.
Agent X: Lando also doesn’t seem to have any particular hangups. I bet he’s adventurous and willing to go with just about anything.
Kristy: Lando would be pretty GGG. He is all about the good times.
Rebecca: I can’t see him as good boyfriend material, necessarily?
Kristy: No, totally not. He’s not trustworthy!
Rebecca: Of all the Star Wars characters, I think Lando would be the best.
Kristy: What about Leia?
Agent X: She must be able to, as Amy Schumer put it, catch a dick anytime she wants. I mean, she’s almost the only girl in the entire galaxy.
Rebecca: Hmmmm. Leia doesn’t necessarily have a lot of experience, but she’s willing to learn. Second best after Lando, definitely. Plus, she’s a motherfucking space princess.
Agent X: Better than Obi-Wan? Better than Yoda?
Rebecca: OT-era Obi-Wan?…. Yeah, I’d say so. I’m willing to jump her to the number two spot on potential. Plus, she has good buns.
Kristy: Based on her intense braids, she must be amazingly dexterous with her fingers. That could come in handy.
Agent X: Oh, that is just true. Her braid game is so good it’s distracting.
Kristy: Also, she’s proactive. She kisses Luke, twice!
Agent X: *shudder*
Kristy: She’d go for it.
Rebecca: She doesn’t put up with any shit from Han.
Kristy: Their fucking would be like a competition, but the good kind. Like “I bet I get you off first!,” GO!
Agent X: Yikes. That sounds terrible.
Rebecca: When did they first have sex, do you think?
Kristy: Probably in the Ewok village, right after the battle ended.
Rebecca: Wicket peering in through the window.
Agent X: Oh my God. You guys. We need to talk about WIcket.
Kristy: Do we?
Agent X: He is really into Han and Leia.
Kristy: I mean, can we blame Wicket?
Rebecca: He’s constantly asking for threesomes and Threepio has to translate. And it gets weird.
Agent X: Wicket is the one who puts his hand on Han’s thigh, right?
Rebecca: Yup. And the one who finds and befriends Leia, as well.
Agent X: Like, you don’t think much of it at first because he looks like a teddy bear, so you think he’s like a small child. But he is a warrior.
Kristy: Is Wicket supposed to be a young Ewok? Or am I assuming that because Warwick Davis was?
Agent X: He is a grown-ass Ewok. And you realize, oh, no, he’s just going for what he wants. Which, you know? Good for him.
Kristy: Maybe he’s a matchmaker. Like in Tangled. Yeah, he can kill and eat enemies. But he really wants to play Love Connection.
Rebecca: I don’t put my hand on someone’s thigh if I’m trying to hook them up with someone else. He’s probably the Lando of the Ewoks. Agent X, would you fuck Wicket if he were wearing a miniature version of Lando’s space cape?
Agent X: No. Wicket eats people. And I don’t mean eating them out. I mean literally eats them.
Agent X: YOU GUYS, WE FORGOT CHEWIE. OH NO, CHEWIE.
Kristy: I didn’t forget. I was hoping you two did.
Rebecca: Oh so that’s the line, huh? I feel like Chewie’s good. Not too adventurous, but dependable.
Kristy: Look, I don’t care how hung this super tall alien humanoid may be. That much hair is a dealbreaker. I don’t want furballs from fucking. Not in my mouth. Not anywhere else.
Agent X: I don’t think his member is covered in fur. Most mammals’ aren’t. Why would his be?
Kristy: I’m not saying his dong would be. But everywhere else. No. Not my jam.
Rebecca: It’s sounding like you’d prefer to fuck Yoda over Chewie, then?
Kristy: Ugh. I mean, Yoda has less hair and I’d be less likely to be crushed to death. If Chewie is on top, you’ve got long fur in you face.
Rebecca: He wouldn’t be demanding re: your pubic hair situation, though. That’s a plus.
Kristy: You assume that, Bex. Some guys are hypocritical on that point.
Agent X: Chewie would be giving, and affectionate, and sweet, and dependable. I mean, he doesn’t even mind when he gets stiffed for a medal on Yavin 4.
Rebecca: Heh. Stiffed.
Agent X: Are we all imagining Chewbacca making those noises while he comes?
Rebecca: Last up: Boba Fett. My vote: Verdict: Bad. He has a reputation for being good, but he’d had sex with like two people and it was bad both times.
Kristy: Boba Fett….I got nothing. Like, seriously. I don’t get why people get so stoked about him, and cannot imagine his sex life.
Agent X: Oh. Boba. Oh my God. He would be terrible. He would probably break his penis because he is apparently a clumsy motherfucker. Just when you’re close to coming, Boba would fall off the bed. Just like he fell into that fucking Sarlaac pit.
Kristy: He’s the Hawkeye.
Agent X: Yeah.
Kristy: “Keep your mask on and your mouth shut.”
Agent X: “Also, maybe don’t move this time. You keep fucking falling. I’ll do the moving.”
Rebecca: Are you aroused yet?:
Rebecca: I can’t believe I never made a “Han shoots first” joke!
Rebecca: No one ever wants to do Jar Jar.
Agent X: But that tongue.
Kristy: You want you intestine licked?
Rebecca: I am so disturbed by you right now.
Kristy: That’s too much tongue.
Agent X: I do not want to fuck Jar Jar.
Kristy: Oh really? “DAT TONGUE THO!”
Agent X: I’m saying it’s a shame because he is apparently endowed. In the tongue area.
Rebecca: He’s so clumsy. I don’t know if I’d trust him with that power.
Agent X: Oh, word. Ugh.
Kristy: He reminds me of Pauly Shore.
We are reposting this previously published post in honor of Star Wars Day.