Women's Clothes Are The Devil: Second Edition: Underthings And Foot Gear
You might remember a short time back when I explained, in very professional terms, that women’s pants are fucking horseshit. But here’s the thing: what goes under and beneath the pants are just as torturous. That’s right, folks, time to bitch about underpants (that is what they are called. Underwear is also acceptable. First person to use the “p” word in the comments gets blocked) and shoes.
I’m not here to yuck anybody’s yums. If you enjoy wearing thongs, you do you. I’m not arguing that people shouldn’t wear thongs. I’m arguing that the need for thongs is real bullshit. As far as I can tell, fashion demands that women’s pants be tight, which eventually led to stretchier, thinner material, which led to visible underwear lines. And what was our answer to this problem? Did we make women’s pants looser or sturdier? Did we make boxer-briefs for women (which, I can tell you from experience, are comfortable as hell)? Or did we pick the truly outrageous move of just deciding that seeing evidence of the existence of women’s underwear wasn’t that big of a fucking deal and ignored it? Fuck no. We thrust upon the masses a smaller, flimsier, (on average) less comfortable version of the underpants they already had. Also they for some reason cost more, and don’t last as long.
And I’m sure some of you beautiful people have found thongs you love. Thongs you find as comfortable as other underpants. Thongs that make you feel good about your body. Which makes sense. Eventually, someone can take any article of clothing, and figure out how to make it more comfortable (which is why I’m still waiting on my sweatshirt bra). What I’ll ask is this: When the thong was invented, do you think the creator had women’s physical comfort in mind? In fact, can you name the last trend that was designed to increase women’s comfort in their clothes while allowing them to be fashionable? And before you answer that, let me remind you of …
Women’s shoes are the bane of my existence. I’ve recently found myself as one of the Gym Shoe Ladies. Popularized in the movies of the 1980s, the Gym Shoe Lady is that downtown working gal trying to make it big. You’ll see her walking from the train station to work in her full professional wardrobe, complete with hair and make-up, and a sensible pair of Gym Shoes. Which she’ll slip off at her desk, and replace with her work shoes. You know why we do this?
Because walking for five minutes in any women’s shoes that are specifically made for vigorous activity is fucking torture.
I’m not even talking about women marching to work in their heels (although, god bless you ladies. I have no idea how you do it). Almost every pair of women’s shoes you come across is designed to offer no support. I recently spent thirty minutes online looking for a pair of shoes to wear during my commute. Ideally, I was looking for some sort of athletic slip-on. Something more supportive than my work flats, but not as bulky as my running shoes. I realized I had trouble because I hadn’t indicated I wanted “walking shoes.” Not a specific kind of athletic shoe, mind you, but that I literally was looking for a shoe I’d be comfortable waking for more than five minutes in. Because most women’s shoes aren’t designed for that. Yeah, you heard that right. MOST WOMEN’S SHOES AREN’T DESIGNED TO BE WALKED IN.
Flats are basically a very thin strip of material separating your foot from the floor. Same with sandals. Anything that includes a wedge, platform, heel, or stack is going to go in the other direction, and give you too much material to make walking comfortable. Also hopefully, it’s going to be at a-not-so-slight angle. The best I’ve been able to find are some Converse which still have absolutely no arch support, because women really can’t have it all.
And, as with the thongs, if you can rock a four-inch heel, good on you. I think you might be super human, but we can deal with that. I’m not arguing against heels or a ballet flat. I’m only asking that women’s fashion not sacrifice comfort for style every single time. Maybe give us halvies? Something that looks decent and doesn’t cost us our ankles and knees? I’m even willing to deal. We’ll give up one knee for shoes. Provided, of course, that men start wearing thongs.