Who Did It Better? 84th Annual Academy Awards Edition

By Joanna Robinson | Lists | February 27, 2012 |

By Joanna Robinson | Lists | February 27, 2012 |

This incisive, well-informed and highly technical Oscar fashion round-up comes to you live from my living room where I am currently and tragically pantsless. I have not a single pant left. Jean Dujardin has charmed them right off of me. Also, when I’m through here, did you all want to go to the movies? I am, for some unknown reason, suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to go to the theater. I feel like, if I do, it will usher in World Peace, unclub all the baby seals and reanimate/reunite The Beatles. Oh and, I suppose, if we all started going to the theater more often, it would reenergize the film industry which has, for years, been losing precious dollars to piracy, Netflix, etc. But that couldn’t be what all that “Go To The Movies” hoopla was about last night, right? Surely they were only thinking of the baby seals. So I’ll see you at the theater, I’ll save the seats, you wave down one of those “Pan Am” chicks with the popcorn. But first, let’s take a look at who did it better.

Ginger Porcelain Goddess Division
Jessica Chastain

vs. Emma Stone

Most In Danger Of Believing Her Own Hype Division
Gwyneth Paltrow And Her Saintly Superhero Dress

vs. Rooney Mara’s Audrey Hepburn Impression

Best Red Carpet Antics
Good Ol’ Figwit

vs. Sacha Baron Cohen’s Photobombs

Successor To The “Brian Grazer Coiffure Chock Full O’ Secrets” Crown
J. Lo And Her Mischievous Areola

vs. Tina Fey

“How Did You Get The Keys To My Grandmother’s Closet?” Division
Anna Faris

vs. Shailene Woodley

Most Presumptuous Attempt To Match The Hardwear Division
Meryl Streep Who Better Be Pointing To Viola

vs. Stacy Keibler And Her Distracting Hip Growth

“I’m Really Nervous That Dress Is Going To Slip Right Off You” Division
Missi Pyle

vs. Kate Mara

Best Use Of The Gams Division
Angie

The Dean

Most Charming Red Carpet Couple Division
Bérénice Bejo and Michel Hazanavicius

vs. Kermie And Miss Piggy

Dresses That Were Tragically Savaged By Wild Animals On The Way To The Ceremony Division
Viola Davis

vs. Cameron Diaz

Ladies Who Clearly Matched Their Dress To Their Hair Division
Ellie Kemper

vs. Nancy O’Dell

Liberal Use Of Self-Tanner Division
Ben Stiller

vs. Billy Crystal

New Celebrity Fantasy Division
Goldie Hawn Marathons With Reese Witherspoon

vs. Getting Trashed With Rose Byrne* and Melissa McCarthy

*I missed it, where was Rose hiding her Grey Goose? Surely not anywhere on her spare frame. Was Melissa smuggling for two?