In a recent interview for “Wired” magazine, the wonderful Katee Sackhoff (“Battlestar Galactica,” Your Cylon-Themed Sex Dreams) talked about her current and future projects, Bryan Cranston’s affectionate teasing and, oh yeah, kicking the crap out of Evangeline Lilly (“Lost,” Hurt Locker, Your Island-Themed Murder Dreams). Apparently Lilly narrowly beat out Sackhoff for the leading role in the upcoming robot battle flick Reel Steal. Sackhoff said: “I am so much bigger than her, I could hurt her in a second. But she’s Canadian and they’re vicious sometimes. Because they’re so nice, I think they keep it all in. Those Canadians, you never know what you’re going to get.” Um, in the case of Lilly, I think we all know what you get. You get Kate, the most obnoxious, simpering, manipulative wench to ever helm a popular show. Sackhoff also awesomely referred to Lilly as “what’s-her-name.”’ You can read the entire interview here and maybe you’ll agree with me that whoever let Sackhoff walk out of the house in that green jumpsuit thing should also be beaten in the facial region.
Anyway, Katee’s off-the-cuff joke gave me the vapors. Not because I want to see two attractive ladies tussle. I mean, because I obviously do. No, it’s because I want nothing more than to see Lilly, or, if I’m being honest, Lilly’s character Kate Austen, get the sh*t kicked out of her. And Sackhoff’s Starbuck is just the right hook to do it. So my question to you is this: Is there a TV character you would like to see laid out and which character would you send to do it? Here’s my list. Oh, and if you were wondering where are the white women at, they’re here. On this list. All of them. Deal.
“Supportive” Spouse Division: Tami Taylor (“Friday Night Lights”) to slap the bitchface off of Betty Draper (“Mad Men”).
F*cked Up In The Head Division: River Tam (“Firefly”) to pull all of Echo’s (“Dollhouse”) glossy hair out.
Spoiled Little Rich Brat Division: Logan Echolls (“Veronica Mars”) to beat Joffrey Baratheon (“Game Of Thrones”) to death with his own crown.
My Husband Is Suddenly And Unexpectedly Out Of The Picture And I Have Two Children To Raise, I Guess I Should Get A Job That Isn’t, You Know, A Felony Division: Alicia Florrick (“The Good Wife”) to knock the iced coffee outta Nancy Botwin’s (“Weeds”) hands.
Goody Two-Shoes Division: Annie Edison (“Community”) to go on a shooting spree at McKinley High School (“Glee”). Her prime target should be the unendurably smug Rachel Berry, but if there is collateral damage, I won’t complain.
Cute, Blonde Fangbanger Division: Buffy Summers (“Buffy The Vampire Slayer”) to show the pathetic Sookie Stackhouse (“True Blood”) her shiny new knife.
Lovelorn Nerd Division: Ben Wyatt (“Parks and Recreation”) to pummel Ted Mosby (“How I Met Your Mother”) into a bloody pulp. I can only hope Ben will channel Henry Pollard (“Party Down”) and pause between kicks to ask if we’re having fun yet.
Modern Gunslinger Division: Zoe Washburne (“Firefly”) to do irrevocable damage to Winona Hawkins (“Justified”).
The Worst Division: I don’t watch this show (I. CANNOT. WATCH. ALL. THE. THINGS.), but I hear a rumor that Skyler White (“Breaking Bad”) is the worst there is. So how about all of the above get a swing at her. Deal?
Joanna Robinson knows someone already slapped Joffrey Baratheon right in his bitchface. And did it well. But, for her money, there aren’t enough slaps in Westeros.