Yesterday, a bona fide official totally legitimate movie still from Edward and Bella’s wedding night in Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part I aired on “Entertainment Hollywood” or “Access Tonight” or one of those shows that has a obnoxious blond host named Billy. As you can imagine, the Internet is ablaze. And why shouldn’t it be? Look at the golden light that envelopes the two during their love making session? It’s like God is sitting in a chair beside the bed watching. And to think, the end result will be a baby vampire that has to eats its way, Alien-style, out of poor Bella’s womb.
It’s gonna be awesome.
The one question that nobody seems to be asking, however, is the most important one of all. What sex positions will Edward and Bella attempt on their wedding night? It’s their first time, so they’re probably not going to get too experimental. The Figure 8 is probably out, and for obvious reasons, I doubt the Muddy Werewolf will even be up for debate.
But, if I had to take a wild guess, — and now that I’ve seen three of the movies, I feel like I know Edward and Bella pretty well — I’d imagine it’d be one of these five positions, which I’m ranking in ascending order, from least likely to most likely.
5. The Torrid Triangle —A great position for women who like to maintain control over the lovemaking session but give the illusion that the man, who is on top, is in control. This would be something of a reversal for the usually passive Bella, but you have to imagine that she has some control issues in one part of her life.
4. The Time Bomb — This is one of those positions that looks great on film, but that’s not always the most practical, especially for a guy who has to hold the woman’s weight and contend with a chair digging into his spine. But it’s always been about sacrifice for Edward, so this would be in line with his personality.
3. The Saucy Spoons — This is great standby, especially for a woman who likes her man to have lots of freedom with his hands but doesn’t actually want to look at him. It’s perfect for Bella because she can make love to Edward all the while imagining that it’s Jacob. On the other hand, it also gives Edward an open shot at her exposed neck.
2. The Hot Hula — This position actually has remarkable aerobic exercise benefits for both partners. You can put aside the Wii Fit for the night, and go to town on the Hot Hula. You’d be surprised how many calories are in the average human’s blood, and after a human feast, sexual calisthenics is an ideal way to burn off that spare tire.
1. The G-Spot Jiggy — This is my pick for the most likely. It’s Bella’s first time, but for Edward, he’s been around a good five hundred years or so. Edward knows how to treat a woman, and it’s important for Edward to establish in the beginning that he knows how to find that magic button that will wererock Bella’s world and make her forget all about Jacob. I might even suggest this is musical accompaniment.