September is rough. After the summer movie season’s ended but before the awards contenders start to come out, it’s one of the months where studios tend to dump movies they don’t know what to do with like so many steaming piles of cinematic shit. (Also: January. GTFO, January.) The bounty is over, and now you’re stuck with Dolphin Tale 2.
Because I’m a generous nature pixie who lives to help her fellow man (when I’m not daydreaming about stabbing people who annoy me with pickaxes—I mean what?), I’ve gone through the September’s stellar offerings and ranked them, from least to most likely to suck all the balls. You’re welcome. And good luck getting through this month, you crazy diamond. Good luck to all of us. We’ll need it.
The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby (9/12)
I happen to know for a fact that this movie doesn’t suck all the balls, since I had a chance to see it. Ah, the magic of press screenings. Jessica Chastain. James McAvoy. ACTING. On the second weekend of September, you will have the opportunity to go to a theater and see something good. Unless you’re in the land of the multiplexes. Then I guess you can pray that Guardians of the Galaxy is still hanging around.
God Help the Girl (9/5)
Another movie that I can personally assure you is worth your time! Directed by Stuart Murdoch, one of the founders of Belle and Sebastian, God Help the Girl is essentially British Indie Pop: The Musical. If British indie pop isn’t your thing, know that it isn’t my thing either, but I still found God Help the Girl a refreshing, authentic little coming of age film. Don’t let the (fabulous) outfits in the trailer fool you-this movie avoids choking on its own twee, thank God.
The Boxtrolls (9/26)
The Boxtrolls is ranked third on this list and not first because, as I have not yet seen it, I cannot empirically state that it is a good movie. But it’s Laika. They made Coraline and ParaNorman. It totally is. September 26th. Be there or be square.
The Two Faces of January (9/26)
I’m sorry, was I supposed to write something here? I got distracted by Oscar Isaac’s everything.
The Skeleton Twins (9/19)
I’ve heard good things and bad things about this one—and also that it’s far darker than the trailer makes it look—so I’m trying to stay optimistic. Don’t disappoint me, Wiig and Hader. You wouldn’t like me when I’m disappointed. I say critical things on the Internet that you will never read or be aware of. So there.
This Is Where I Leave You (9/19)
This looks like such a middling, quasi-Oscar-bait-y drama. But Corey Stoll. But schmaltz. But Rose Byrne. But “very special lessons “about love and life and what it means to be family (blech). But Adam Driver, Jason Bateman, Tina Fey, Jane Fonda, and Jane Fonda’s bionic breasts. I’m conflicted.
Tracks’ trailer doesn’t look good to me (“I’m so alone.” “We all are.” Oh, shut up), but the reviews since its Venice Film Festival debut last year have been mostly positive, so I’ll remain on the fence with this one for now. Just keep the wannabe deep pretension to a minimum, yeah?
I was going to put this higher up, but then the words “Stop lagging. Start living” flashed across the screen and my vision was obscured by blinding red rage. Something tells me this will be another movie that doesn’t deserve Sam Rockwell. (Though aren’t most movies?)
This looks like the sort of thing I might catch on HBO one lazy weekday afternoon a few years from now. I’ll spend a few hours being pleasantly bored but then forget about it completely.
A Walk Among the Tombstones (9/19)
Matthew Crawley, this is what you left Downton Abbey for? Granted, Downton is a glorified soap opera that doesn’t come close to deserving all its award season praise (fight me), but still. What would the Dowager Countess say?
The Drop (9/12)
I am 98% sure that Tom Hardy just accepts movies these days based on whether they will allow him to do some sort of weird accent. I am only 70% sure that Tom Hardy is actually Gary Oldman disguising himself as some sort of elaborate prank. I love THard, don’t get me wrong. THard cuddling a puppy (yes, this is that movie): Even better. But this does not look good.
The Equalizer (9/26)
Can Denzel Washington and Chloë Grace Moretz start being in good things again?
Kelly & Cal (9/5)
I look at those critical plaudits in your trailer, Kelly & Cal, and I don’t believe you. Am I too cynical for a Juliette-Lewis-being-cynical-I-guess-and-finding-love movie? Do I need to self-examine?
Hector and the Search for Happiness (9/19)
Didn’t The Secret Life of Walter Mitty come out last year? This trailer has some funny moments, so I hope and pray that there’s a good movie buried in here, but I’m not getting my hopes up for anything better than “treacly bullshit.” What can I say? I like to be surprised.
The Maze Runner (9/19)
YA dystopia. Grubby teens running around. Yaaaaaaay.
No Good Deed (9/12)
Is Idris Elba pranking us? Because he’s great in TV, and he’s great in supporting roles, but every time he takes the lead in a film it’s for shit like this. There’s five years of career between now and Obsessed. Why are you still doing this to us?!
Dolphin Tale 2 (9/12)
The Identical (9/5)
An Elvis lookalike (but not Elvis) looks identical to a rock star Elvis lookalike (also not Elvis) and has to decide whether to pursue dreams of music stardom or follow the path laid out by his religious, down-home father (Ray Liotta). The phrase “The call you heard was for your life, not mine” is uttered in the trailer, and that’s just a skip away from, “You’re throwing away your dream, son!”/”No, dad, I’m throwing away yours.” File this one under “avoid at all costs.”
Forrest Gump (rerelease) (9-5)
Don’t do this to yourself.