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Which Member of the Oscar Class of 2017 Are You?

By Rebecca Pahle | Lists | February 7, 2017 |

By Rebecca Pahle | Lists | February 7, 2017 |

While the world falls down all around us, award season trundles along, with the 150+ nominees gathering in LA yesterday for the annual Oscars luncheon and group photo. It’s like a movie nerd’s Where’s Waldo. Which nominee do you feel the strongest spiritual connection with? Don’t say Ruth Negga. None of us are cool enough for that. Click here for the full-size photo.


1) Constantly surrounded by inferior men, and also Denzel Washington.


2) A skeezy college professor who fucks his students.


3) Arthouse Adam Sandler.


4) …Ian Ziering? Did he get nominated for Hacksaw Ridge?


5) So fucking pumped for that Dynasty reboot, y’all.


6) A member of an alt-country folk trio who was smuggled in under Nicole Kidman’s blazer.


7) Mildly freaked out and running on four hours sleep. Please, God, just let me take a nap.


8) Just here to be pumped about space.


9) Constantly peeved for no real reason at all.


10) Constantly overwhelmed, but resigned to your fate. The “this is fine” meme.


11) Never worn a boring sock in your entire goddamned life, and not about to start now.


12) THE TECHNOWARRIOR. Won’t let Big Brother capture an unobscured image of your face; knows that’s how The Man will get you. Ready to join the revolution any fucking time, any fucking where. Is not going back to jail.


13) Van Buren Boys, lifetime member.


14) Probably high right now, lbr.


15) Trying to lean as far away from Casey Affleck as you can without being obvious about it.


16) A human goiter growing out of the head of George Stephanopoulos’ brother.


17) Enormously pleased to be standing next to Mel Gibson. So pleased. Dear God, don’t let him smell your fear.

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