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Where We're Going, We Don't Need Body Hair: Beauty Tips From Your Overlords

By Tori Preston | Lists | August 4, 2017 |

By Tori Preston | Lists | August 4, 2017 |

Shit got real this morning on the Pajiba Slack chat during the 9 o’clock hour, let me tell you. It started when one of our esteemed members opened up about a new experience he’d recently had: a good old fashioned chest/stomach wax. And despite some general discomfort, he’s becoming a bit of a fan of that baby-smooth frontal sensation! What other beauty routines, he wondered, had he been missing out on?

Needless to say, the ladies on the channel had a LOT to contribute. And so did the men! Minds were blown. Secrets were shared. Shames were confronted. Exfoliation was explained. And so began our enlightening journey together into the realm of hygiene, self-care, beauty, and body hair. We all got to know each other just a little bit better (especially the comrades who woke up late and entered the conversation mid-stream, probably without having the benefit of any coffee first).

Without naming any names, we thought it would be nice to share some of our collected insights for the benefit of all. So here, then, are some of our admissions and revelations:

- Try Vitamin E oil to help prevent ingrown hairs

- Try a coconut oil hair mask for soft, shiny, rejuvenated tresses

- You haven’t been taking your beauty routine seriously until you’ve looked into a mirror and honestly contemplated the size of your pores.

- Seriously, fuckin’ pores. Scrub ‘em and detox ‘em. Don’t let them win.

- Tweezing is a state of mind. Keep your tweezers handy and have a go at any stray hairs you find. Like, whenever.

- Or just get your barber to bring your eyebrows under control!

- Everything can be softer, smoother, and more moisturized. Even elbows. You will be judged by your elbows!

- Next-level beauty routines require keeping abreast of innovative new “trends”. These will mostly come from South Korea, and may involve snail slime.

- Ok, it’s called snail mucin if you want to be not-gross about it. But it is magical.

- Don’t worry, snails aren’t harmed in the collection of slime. Turns out happy snails slime more, so it pays to keep ‘em happy.

- Also, maybe try letting fish nibble on your toes?

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- Or getting a nightingale poop facial?

- Bikini waxing is “one of those weird late-stage capitalism things that just feels like something out of a dystopian sci fi novel.”

- We were divided on the topic of paying people to handle manicures/facials/waxing/massages. It comes down to: having actual professionals to make you pretty instead of going at it yourself with weird concoctions brewed up in your kitchen vs. not having to be touched by strangers who may want to talk to you and who will definitely know you more intimately than most other people in your life. Full disclosure: I’m on the side of not being touched and leaving no paper trail of my shame. I’ll take care of my dirty deeds in private, thank you very much.

- But seriously, if you’re gonna hire a professional to handle your upkeep, find one that doesn’t talk and give them all your money forever. Even waxing can be a relaxing moment in your life, if there aren’t too many distractions. You time is about YOU.

- Pro-tip: pay different people to wax your face and your genitals because the responsibility is too great to rest on only one set of shoulders.

- Some of us might be willing to kill the rest of us if it meant we could live in a world where we didn’t need to be constantly vigilant about our stomach hairs.

- If you have naturally fine, light colored body hair, you’ll be the first to die.

- Know where to draw your line in the sand. Some things are just too much effort. Bleaching your arm hairs is one of them.

- If you want to grow out your pits, more power to you! Just be aware that if it’s been awhile since you’ve seen a full tuft under your arms, it might shock you. And by “shock” we mean “resemble a nest of spiders.”

- Men shave their pits too! Sometimes it helps with sweating.

- Did you know there are special back hair shavers?

- Also there are fancy ladyface razors that exfoliate!

- But seriously: snail slime yo.

*Special thanks to Genevieve for that headline!*

Tori Preston is the managing editor of Pajiba. She tweets here. You can also listen to her weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.