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What You Can Tell About the "Saturday Night Live" Cast Based Upon the Opening Montage

By Guest Contributor Matthew Asente | Lists | December 12, 2011 |

By Guest Contributor Matthew Asente | Lists | December 12, 2011 |

“Saturday Night Live” has been on since 1975, but what do we really know about these people? We let them into our homes every weekend, but for all we know they could be inhuman monsters or total lunatics. Take Victoria Jackson, for example. She makes Al Franken look like a moderate.

Point being, the only thing we know about these people are the things they have chosen to share with us in the brief opening credits. So let’s look there shall we, and see what kind of people we’re dealing with.


Fred Armisen is obviously a hipster douche-bag. Now, I know that’s kind of a harsh judgment to jump to right out of the gate, but let’s look at the evidence. He’s in a record store. Shopping for a record. Which he clearly intends to play on his record player somewhere. “Hey Fred, it’s Saturday night; if you want to listen to the Sex Pistols, why not just download them on iTunes like a normal person?” Because if he did that he wouldn’t be able to creepily stare at you through his non-ironic horn-rimmed glasses and grin smugly about how hopeless you are.


Abby Elliot is shaking her hair crazily and crouching in the middle of a busy New York city street like she’s about to take a piss. I don’t know if any of you have been to New York, but the middle of the street isn’t exactly the best place to frolic (to piss in — maybe). So yeah, Abby Elliot is obviously off her meds again. Somebody help that crazy lady find a warm place inside somewhere so she can powder her nose.


Bill Hader appears as if he’s losing at chess and happy about it (which would lead me to believe that he’s hindered by a mental deficiency of some kind) but the keen glimmer behind his eyes tells me there’s more at play here than meets the eye. Perhaps this is an elaborate hustle and throughout the course of this evening Bill Hader will take his opponent’s every last penny, executing a brilliantly impressive, if somewhat not-so-profitable, con. Good luck to you, sir. I hope your $14 is well won.


Seth Meyers is obviously hitting on some dude at a bar. “But Matthew, when I re-watch the clip it looks like the person he’s talking with has a pony-tail. Couldn’t that be a woman?” It could be, sure. And you’re wise to ask. Which is more than Seth Meyers has bothered to do.


Bobby Moynihan seems cool and gregarious. He’s out on the town having a good time and he’s surrounded by friends, both old and new. But skip ahead a few moments. Skip to when he smiles at the camera. You see that? The cold loneliness in his eyes? That’s the smile of a sad clown, my friends. Weep for Bobby Moynihan, and pray that he finds the love he so desperately seeks in this cold, cruel world.


Nasim Pedrad is sitting outside the club where the post-show party is taking place. She wallows in sub-fame obscurity. “B-but, I swear I’m somebody. I’m on SNL,” she cries out. “If you ain’t on the list, you ain’t gettin’ in,” the bouncer replies while pulling back the velvet rope for Jenna Elfman’s little sister.


Though not widely publicized, Andy Samburg is fluent in over 13 languages, which makes him the ideal candidate to woo the group of Japanese investors that Lorne Michaels needs to keep SNL afloat. NBC wants to build a new factory in Jersey, people, and Samburg has to keep the wacky hijnks at bay if he wants the big promotion (soundtrack by Men At Work).


Jason Sudeikis is kind of a cocky dick. He throws his sweaty towel in your face after every basketball game regardless of whether he wins or loses. He tells his white friends that it’s no big deal, and that the black guys he plays with are totally cool if he says the N-word. But he would never dare. No he would not.


Kenan Thompson is soooo lonely. He’s so lonely he will literally stand on a bridge and ask people to touch him.


Kristin Wiig is a total drunk. Can’t even stand up straight.


Vanessa Bayer goes on a lot of first dates, this time with Art Garfunkel’s favorite grandson, Jimmy “G.” She’s doesn’t want to seem too desperate, but she hasn’t been kissed in 14 months and can’t bear the thought of going home alone again (even though dependable Mr. Pickles will always be there for her). She’s so nervous that she literally can’t stop smiling. To the point that it’s starting to hurt MY face.


Paul Brittain is a former bike messenger who was delivering Chinese food to the set one day. Armisen was too busy listening to his record collection to come in and rehearse, so they asked Paul to stand in as the creepy, quiet guy. He’s cool with whatever, man; he just wants to make his Aunt May proud.


Taran Killam is always “on.” Sure, he’s a great guy to have at parties, but even his own family can’t really stand him for extended periods of time. On Thanksgiving he went to the bathroom 15 times while the rest of his family washed up and speculated in whispers about his coke addiction.


Jay Pharoah looks like a fun dude. No complaints.