This being December and all, we’re going all in on year-end lists, like our roundups of the best TV and movie lines of the year. But it’s Friday and it’s cold out, so for today’s list, we’re going a slightly different route. That’s right: It’s time to warm yourselves in front of the fires of blistering hot hotness. What’s been 2016’s most sexXxolicious movie cast? Your contenders:
Captain America: Civil War
Pros: Civil War takes an early lead by virtue of having 18,000 characters. You have Chris Evans, Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johansson, Chadwick Boseman, Elizabeth Olsen, Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Daniel Brühl, and CHRIS EVANS’ ARMS, plus industrial strength space-heaters Paul Rudd, Emily Van Camp, Don Cheadle, Frank Grillo, and Marisa Tomei popping up in smaller roles. And Florence Karumba as Black Panther’s hot bodyguard (“Move. Or you will be moved.”): Never forget.
Cons: Jeremy Renner looks kind of like a troll doll, and Paul Bettany is purple.
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Pros: Diego Luna is unbelievably hot in Rogue One. Just. Like. Motherfucking wow. It’s a difficulty. He’s hot normally but in Rogue One it is B E Y O N D. You also have Felicity Jones, Riz Ahmed, Mads Mikkelsen, Donnie Yen, and silver fox Ben Mendelsohn.
Cons: Riz Ahmed’s bullshit manky braids.
Pros: Octavia Spencer, Taraji P. Henson, and Janelle Monáe are luminous beings, and Kevin Costner is hot in a dad sort of way. And, in smaller roles, we have Leverage’s Aldis Hodge and Glenn Powell, the latter of whom you may know as the man with the average-sized dick in Everybody Wants Some!!. But really, it’s all about Mahershala Ali as Taraji P. Henson’s uniform-wearing love interest. It’s swoon worthy. Let’s get him in a romantic drama, stat, please.
Cons: Kirsten Dunst gets a dowding down as Octavia Spencer’s racist supervisor. And, not to be mean, but… Jim Parsons. He waters down the hot. Just saying.
Pros: Margot Robbie, obviously. And Jai Courtney… being good in a thing? Viola Davis was also sexy, in a scared-she’s-going-to-murder-me sort of way. But none of it matters, because…
Cons: …Jared Leto fused my vagina shut.
Pros: Chiwetel Ejiofor. Chiwetel Ejiofor’s arms. Chiwetel Ejiofor. Chiwetel Ejiofor’s arms. Mads. Rachel McAdams. Chiwetel. Ejiorfor’s. Arms.
Cons: Michael Stuhlbarg’s awful blonde wig, the dread specter of whitewashing and Benedict Cumberbatch’s space alien motherfucker self are major drawbacks. I’m not going to argue about it. You can discuss in the comments if you want.
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Pros: That scene of Lex Luthor-Max Landis shoving a Jolly Rancher into some old white dude’s mouth was particularly sexy.
Star Trek Beyond
Pros: The Star Trek franchise is low-key rocking one of the hottest casts out there. You have Chris Pine and his freakishly blue eyes (do a Google image search for “Chris Pine desert hooker.” I’ll wait.), Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, Karl Urban, Simon “nerd chic” Pegg and KING JOHN CHO all in the same movie. Plus Sofia Boutella, getting her she’d-punch-me-in-the-face-and-I’d-like-it alien on.
Cons: Being sad about Anton Yelchin. AND HOW ARE YOU GOING TO COVER IDRIS ELBA’S FACE LIKE THAT?
Pros: Oh that’s right, this came out. McAvoy, Fassbender, Lawrence, Hoult, Byrne. The usual suspects. We’ve seen it all before, and hotter elsewhere. Alexandra Shipp was hot as mohawk Storm. Olivia Munn and the Mystery of the Missing Pants. I got nothin’.
Cons: Oscar Isaac cosplaying Ivan Ooze. Lucas Till’s abominable hair.
The Magnificent Seven
Pros: Mag 7 isn’t a particularly memorable movie, but it is 2016’s only major release to feature superbabe Byung-hun Lee. See also the slow pan up Chris Pratt’s body. I think we’re supposed to be focusing on the gun? And: Denzel, Haley Bennett, Martin Sensmeier. Oh, you don’t know about Martin Sensmeier? HI.
Cons: Vincent D’onofrio is Orson Welles in Chimes at Midnight!
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Pros: Colin Farrell.
Cons: Johnny Depp.