What kind of messed up, sick-in-the-head intellectually stunted asshole uses Comic Sans? Seriously, how hard does your mother have to drop you on your head that you’d want to grow up and use the Comic Sans font? Did your parents read The Cat in the Hat backwards to you? Were you molested by a clown? Were you raised by concrete bricks?
I’m convinced there’s a huge chunk missing in the brain of Vincent Connare, the man responsible for inventing Comic Sans, a font created specifically for Microsoft Windows. Of all the fucking reasons in the world to be a Mac or a PC person, the fact that Microsoft invented Comic Sans has to be the biggest strike against it. I mean, really: Who would use that font? Assholes, that’s who. Spectacularly unfunny people who think they’re funny. Real-life Phil Dunphys. Middle managers trying to lighten the mood with pink slips written in Comic Sans. Small-town graphic designers who got their degrees at the University of Phoenix and now design sub shop menus. Assholes. There’s a place in my vicinity that serves the best goddamn roast beef sandwiches in a 50 miles radius, but fuck them and their delicious roast beef. I will not abide by Comic Sans. No sir.
You can’t even use Comic Sans ironically. How fucked up a font do you have to be that you can’t be used ironically? It has to be the most misleading font name in the history of fonts because there’s nothing funny about comic sans. It’s an abomination. It’s a plague upon this world. It’s a blight on mankind. It’s the Stephen Baldwin of fonts, the 1982 of “Saturday Night Light” casts, as unnecessary as Scrappy Doo, and as useful as a screen door on a submarine. It’s the font you use in love letters if you want your wife to leave you. It’s what asshole bloggers use to demonstrate their intellectual deficiencies. It’s what illiterates use to disguise the fact that they can’t spell, not because is illegible, but because no one wants to fucking read it.
You want to know why the rest of the world hates America? It’s not the rampant obesity, the overaggressive commercialism, the self-righteous patriotism, our arrogance or short-sightedness. It’s Comic Sans, people. That’s why the world hates America.
Here are the five worst fonts.
5. Florentine Cursive (or any other cursive font)
4. Century Gothic
3. Web Dings
1. Comic Sans