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What If Trump's Press Team Commented On Famous Movie Villains

By Petr Navovy | Lists | February 3, 2017 |

By Petr Navovy | Lists | February 3, 2017 |

Die Hard
No, of course ‘terrorists’—or ‘criminals’ or whatever the liberal media want to call them today—haven’t forcefully taken over Nakatomi Plaza. They’re in there by invitation. Mr Gruber is a great friend of this country and its President. Just look at his taste in suits. You can always judge a man by his suits. He gets them from London, you know? I’m sorry, but if you think a man in an expensive suit from London can be a criminal then you just don’t know what you’re talking about. No, it’s that rogue—policeman he calls himself, but no New York policeman would ever shoot anyone—inside in the ragged vest we need to worry about, which is why we have called in the National Guard to assist Mr Gruber and his business associates.

Look, I’m sorry but we just don’t take the word of an immigrant—from Europe or wherever else—as basis for justifying a belief in some sort of ‘predatory alien’ who hunts men for sport. Whatever happened to those men down in the jungle—which, by the way: why were there half naked men rolling around in the jungle together?—was probably just their own fault.

Either that or someone gave Dick Cheney a gun again.

Battle Royale
The youth today, over there in Future Dystopian Japan, they’re just out of control, you know? Laughing and talking and disobeying their elders. Just the other day I saw one flash a knife. Well, what else are you going to do then, apart from send them to an island of death? That’s the problem with the liberal media these days—precious snowflakes just unwilling to accept that sometimes mass underage slaughter is the only way to instill some old-fashioned respect. We’re thinking of starting a similar program over here actually, and we’re talking to Future Dystopian Japan right now about it.

Harry Potter
There’s been a lot of talk about this Voldemort, and what a ‘bad guy’ he is. Well, firstly, okay, it’s none of our business what the people of England decide to do with their faces and whether they think noses are a necessity or not. And have you seen the weather over there? Of course they’re gonna be a bit on the pale side. The only evidence that we have seen so far of any actual wrongdoing is maybe some occasions of instantaneous death magic being used. And to be honest that excites us. We’d love to be able to talk to Mr Voldemort’s people to maybe be able to test-run this technology in the Middle East.

The police over in—where was it again? We’re not sure where it was right now, but that’s not important. The liberal police force there is currently holding a man they claim to be an evil serial killer. Well let me tell you, the federal government is not afraid to step in when it feels the rights of an individual are being threatened by an overzealous, liberal department. The man they have in custody is a god-fearing man of good breeding; he’s an educated man, well-versed in this country’s proud religious heritage. It is our position that such a man—he’s white and everything!—just simply could not be capable of the heinous crimes being attributed to him.

Noah Cross is a good businessman. Good friend of Mr Trump’s. They share many qualities and hobbies, actually, not just their keen business sens-… What’s that? Oh, ok—sorry everyone, we have to call it a day here.


Petr Knava
lives in London and plays music

Petr is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.