Not that it’ll probably matter who directs Ant-Man, ‘cause it looks like in the wake of Edgar Wright’s departure the Mouse House is gearing up for the same old MCU-generic no matter what. But humor me.
If Nolan were hired to direct Ant-Man there’d have to be major rewrites to give Paul Rudd’s titular insectoid superhero a dead wife/lover. Those just aren’t optional in a Nolan movie. “OK, so he’s angsty because a supervillain’s threatening the world and he’s the only one who can stop him… and because of his dead wife Evangeline Lilly. Oh, and we’re recasting Rudd. He’s Cillian Murphy now. Here’s the bag he’ll wear over his head. Someone call Michael Caine for me.”
Phil Lord and Chris Milller
The Lego Movie. 21 Jump Street. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Lord and Miller can take any movie that shouldn’t be good and rescue it. That’s their superpower. I’m imagining an eyepatch-wearing Kevin Feige sitting all broody at his desk, flipping through his Rolodex. “It’s an emergency. Call them in.”
Under Carruth, Paul Rudd’s Ant-Man would be a metaphor for some obscure school of philosophy, Michael Douglas’ Ant-Man would be his doppelgänger from an alternate timeline, Patrick Wilson would somehow be both of them, they’d all have flying pet pigs for some reason, and it would be still be easier to figure out than Primer.
“Paul Rudd is great, but you know who I think should play Ant-Man?… Me. I’m gonna rewrite the script, too. You guys won’t mind, right? If I invite you to my Downton Abbey wedding can I be listed as an executive producer, too? I’m George F***ing Clooney.”
“You know what can save Ant-Man? JOHNNY DEPP. IN A WIG. GIVE HIM A FUNNY VOICE, and possibly a racially insensitive character to play. It never fails.”
“…and can we add Helena Bonham Carter, too?”
“Where’s Ant-Man? He’s right there, in the center of the swooping shot of scenery. What do you mean you can’t see him? Look closer, he’s small! I can’t be expected to give up my helicopter shots!”
A decade this joke might have been about how Zemeckis’ Ant-Man would’ve starred a volleyball as Scott Lang’s superhero sidekick. Before that I’d be talking about the supervillain potential of Biff Tannen. But with recent career developments I have to say that Zemeckis’ Ant-Man would be some real weird uncanny valley bullshit. Bob, what’s happened? Are you OK?
BLESSED NERD RAGE.
What, you thought Rebecca (here she is on Twitter) would offer serious suggestions? Please.