As someone who watches and reads an inordinate amount of fiction I’m no stranger to the concept of “shipping.” The idea of “shipping,” of course, is that those of us who are fans of a show, a film franchise or a book series get it into our fevered little brains that two characters should be together. Whether this idea is planted there by the writers or born completely out of our own idle speculation, the will they/won’t they juice of a story alone is enough to keep most of us hooked. And I get it, I do. It used to be a lot worse when I was a teenage “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” fan, but I certainly still get where shippers are coming from…
…most of them. Some fan communities, however, are ill. NO JUDGMENT. But, yes, a little judgment. I learned long ago that there are more things on heaven and earth and in your internet search history than are dreamt of in my philosophy. But these? Burn these with fire. Immediately.
Doctard - “Doctor Who”: No, no, this isn’t some cute fan community based around that one episode where the TARDIS comes to life in the shape of a kooky, comely lady. This is a fan community dedicated to the Doctor and his, er, box. Which is bigger on the in-WELL YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES. I suppose this taps into a very basic “lads and their cars” ideology but, um, WHERE would he? And HOW would she? And…just belch.
Dandrea - “The Walking Dead”: I reject any and all ships involving Andrea. Unless, of course, it’s Andrea’s Head/The Governor’s Aquarium.
SanSan- “Game Of Thrones”: This particular issue cropped up long before the TV show. Book readers love the idea of The Hound (Sandor) and The Little Bird (Sansa). I don’t understand it and I refuse to respond to it and liken it to my thing for Jorah and Dany at your peril.
BROTP - “How I Met Your Mother” Of course there’s nothing wrong with shipping Barney and Robin. The show encourages it. Usually. But I brought this particular fan community up to explore the idea of OTP which they’ve so cleverly incorporated into their Robin and Barney portman-bro. “OTP” stands for “one true pairing” and it’s the kind of phrasing that’s impossible to utter without a maniacal gleam of zealotry in your eyes. So dial it back, folks. You too, Court.
Stark Spangled Banner - The Avengers: Apparently there are shippers for every single combination of Avengers under the sun. (Tony Stark and Pepper Potts have earned the disgusting nickname “Pepperony.”) This particular combination involves Tony Stark, Captain America and The Hulk. You should know it’s not the gayness of the combo that troubles me, it’s the HEARTLESS disregard for Thor.
Wincest - “Supernatural” The fandom for this enduring CW show is a rabid one and I’ve heard of MANY ships (mostly involving Castiel) but when incest comes into play things get gross and when BORING Sam is involved, the gross goes up to eleven.
Weasley Twincest - Harry Potter What’s worse than incest? F*cking twincest. Disgusting. (This might be even more disgusting. NOT SAFE FOR ANYWHERE.)
Jacobee - Twilight And what’s worse than twincest? This absolutely apalling pairing courtesy of THE AUTHOR HERSELF. Stephenie Meyer has proved that her craft is not much loftier than fanfiction but this business with the love story between a werewolf and a BABY?! We need to talk about it.
Author’s Note: H/T to the Pajiba facebook for their disturbing and enlightening discussion and, to the fanfiction community, no major disrespect meant. But…a TARDIS? COME ON.