It takes a certain kind of man to wear a mustache. In fact, some men should never be without them. The great Sam Elliott, Clark Gable, Nick Offerman and, of course, Tom Selleck himself all look somehow naked without ‘em. It’s been years and I’m still not over the fact that Alec Trebek shaved his. But some men, well, some men should never even try. Some men should always keep the MACH3 handy. Some men might even consider waxing. I’M JUST SAYING. Listen, you’ve got a three day stubble going because you’re too lazy to shave? Fine. But a mustache. A mustache takes intention. That takes at least a haphazard attempt at grooming. And, my dears, I don’t know what you see in the mirror, but you’re not as Selleck as you think.
A mustache has power, my friends. It can transform a perfectly nice looking young man into someone who looks like they oughtn’t live within 2000 feet of a school. I understand, I really do. We’ve all fallen sway to the hypnotic lure of the Selleck stache. But, to the members of this list I’d like to say, DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING? Shave it off, Nair it off, I don’t care, just make it go away.
Ryan Gosling: Gosling grew this beauty to play a supremely awkward young man in Lars And The Real Girl. He also gained a little chub. Which is all great. The film is great, he’s great in it. But thank god the ‘stache went as soon as filming wrapped because, look at that thing. Not even the blinding beauty of Penelope Cruz can make it better.
Colin Firth: See, Firth should be immune. He’s Mr. Darcy. He’s MARK Darcy. He’s supposed to be twisting knickers on both sides of the pond. But he should not only seriously reconsider the length of his sideburns, but he needs to shave facial blight, post-haste.
Eric McCormack: Oh, Will, what would Grace say? Actually, forget that. WOULD WOULD JACK SAY?
John Travolta: Ah, the white man’s Fu Manchu, not Travolta’s biggest follicular crime (that would be whatever is going on upstairs), but it’ll do.
George Clooney: Yes, gentlemen, it’s true, Clooney can look repulsive.
Zac Efron: Mustache ride, anyone? Line forms on the left.
Clive Owen: Clive is the reasons we’re gathered here today. He is the Croupier. He is the man who would have (and should have) been Bond. He is suavity personified. What he is NOT is well-suited for a mustache. It looks like a caterpillar. He looks like he might own a van with painted windows. I wouldn’t buy a car from him. I wouldn’t take candy from him.
Loathsome enough in photos, you really ought to see it in action to catch the full effect.
James Franco: FRANCO YOU SIMPLY DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH FOLLICLES. No, no, don’t try to fool me with that hipster finger trick. That’s the patchiest, sorriest excuse for a mustache I’ve seen this side of Yelchin. Stop it.
Seth Green: It’s tricky with gingers (amirite,
Dexter?). Oftentimes the ‘stache grows in lighter and brighter and simply carrotier than the hair and the, um, hall rug doesn’t really match the drapes.
Michael Fassbender: Ha. As if. He is perfection.
Jessica Alba: Oh, blow me, Alba. As if you know a single thing about Chaplin.
So, in summation, we can’t all be Selleck. But we can dream.