Excuse me. I know I’m a half a week late to this party. Perhaps you’ve already worked out all of your kinks, ire, and indifference surrounding Sarah Jessica Parker’s most recent entitlementfest, I Don’t Know How She Does It. Listen, the Sex And The City movies were bad enough. Not content to shred the heart that beat at the center of that rather sweet and silly HBO series, the great minds behind The Sex And The City films took those mangled, shredded heart-y bits and cobbled together this…monstrous cosmo-stained sequinvajazzled caftan of a film franchise. And women went in droves to see them. Loathsome. But this? This I Don’t Know How She Does It tripe? This didn’t even have a heartbeat to begin with. Not even a murmur. As Dustin aptly covered in his review, the film is an affront to real women with real financial or familial problems. Honestly? Sarah Jessica Parker and the Bradshawdacity of the kind of woman she chooses to portray makes me sick. Oh it’s just entertainment, you say? It’s just an escapist movie? Fine, here are four highly entertaining films about women with no special powers or military training who have some ACTUAL f*cking problems. Are they from a different genre of film? They sure are. You’ve got an issue with that, you can suck on this Manolo Blahnik.
Jodie Foster as Meg Altman in Panic Room: You worried about spending time with your kid? Try hours upon hours locked inside an impenetrable vault. Yeah, and not just any kid, this is a lip-biting Bella Swan kid riddled with diabetes. Oh, what’s that? Worried about distractions? Try Forest Whitaker, Jared Leto and Dwight Yoakam trying to kill you. (That’s right, Idi Amin, Jordan Catalano and Dwight F*cking Yoakam.) Does Foster’s character whinge and whimper and fret? No she HACKS and PLOTS and SLEDGEHAMMERS the f*ckers.
Shauna Macdonald as Sarah in The Descent: Concerned about problems with your husband? Issues with your kid? Yeah well what if they both died in one tragic accident and just as you think you’ve begun to cope and heal, you find out, oops, your husband was boning your best friend and, what’s that? Oh yes, you’re deep underground in a cave being hunted by BAT PEOPLE. Puts that birthday cake into perspective, wouldn’t you say, SJP?
Radha Mitchell as Carolyn Fry in Pitch Black: I know, I know, it’s hard for a woman in the work place. I feel your pain, SJP. But Carolyn Fry is suddenly and reluctantly promoted to captain of a wrecked vessel on a nightmare planet full of toothsome monsters hoping to tear everyone to shreds. Does she give up? F*ck no. And while the survival rate of her passengers may not have been so hot, the black Muslim dude and the little transvestite survived to the end of the movie. That’s unheard of in the horror genre. Vin Diesel got the acclaim and the sh*tty sequel, but it’s Mitchell’s morally ambiguous and ultimately tragic figure that is the real hero of the piece.
Linda Hamilton and Sarah Connor in Terminator 2: Judgement Day: Um, your lover from the FUTURE came back to, you know, impregnate you with the savior of the human race only to die and leave you all alone. What do you do? Well, girl, you grow out that permullet and you get some guns. No, I’m not talking about firearms. John Connor as portrayed by Edward Furlong may be a kind of a whiny punk, but he’s alive. Thanks in no small part to the survival tactics he learned from his mom. So, save the kid, save the human race. What did you do today, SJP? That’s what I thought.