Happy Halloween! Hopefully, you’ve spent your month immersed in fake fear instead of real, but we all know how difficult that is. At any rate, today’s the big day for those who enjoy taking kids trick or treating, handing out candy, or partying in the middle of the week while dressed as a sexy taco truck. Then tomorrow? DISCOUNT CANDY AND FAKE BLOOD!
While you slowly bide your time until you can bust out of work and head home for the night or to Target tomorrow for discount deals, please enjoy this list of the absolute worst haircuts ever seen in horror movies and television shows.
1. Sheriff Pangborn - Castle Rock
He’s got a lot going on, I suppose, but there is just something unsettling about a grown-out bowl cut on an elderly man. It’s an odd choice to grow out the bangs and then let a muffin puff rock on the sides, but hair isn’t a high priority when you’ve seen the kinds of things this character has.
2. Gale Weathers - Scream 3
I can’t hate on her hair from the first two installments, but this abomination? It’s a mistake that should be erased from history books and digitally covered by whatever special effects make Forgettable White Guy #2 look like a blue alien in Avatar.
3. John Triton - Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare
I DO NOT CARE IF THIS TRASH FIRE OF BAD SPECIAL EFFECTS AND NONSENSICAL CRAP WAS MADE IN 1987! This tangled nest of discarded pube trimmings held together by sheer will and 47 cans of Aqua Net is an atrocity and should be treated as such. SHAVE HIS HEAD AND BURN THE FOLLICLES!
4. Randall Flagg - The Stand
When the survivors of the worldwide plague saw Mr. Flagg’s luxurious mullet, they should have known only the Devil could grow something so exquisitely evil. Barely business in the front and a full, week-long party in the back, Flagg’s hair is both the worst and best hairdo on this list.
5. Mrs. White - Carrie
It was 1976, but I KNOW that hair conditioner was a thing…right? The power of Christ compels her to attack her telekinetic daughter but not to de-frizz that heinous mop on her head?
6. Butterfield - Lord of Illusions
What is that pointed front happening in your hair, psycho cult member? It’s like a giant ‘M’ with an aggressive point jutting forth to point to the insane face beneath.
7. Seth Brundle - The Fly
HEAR ME OUT. I love the mullet/sex god hair. You know I do. HOWEVER. Once he starts going Brundlefly? That mop needs a trim because it goes full grease ball with chunks of digestive juices patching it out while also piecing it into trailer trash chic.
8. Margo Prey - Troll 2
Her hair looks like a cotton ball found her scalp, decided to start a family, and then crapped stringy, blonde cries for help down her neck.
9. Dr. Anton Phibes - The Abominable Dr. Phibes
It looks like he and Frankenstein’s monster had the same barber, but Dr. Phibes somehow ended up with the corpse of five dead rats on his head. And those rats had babies and one of them looked at me.
10. Dancing Guy in the Background, the One on the Left - Suspiria
I’m not even checking to see if you have a name, Random Dancer, because your hair is that unforgivable. The ’70s were a crazy time, but you are balding and no amount of length or striping across your scalp with random strands will save you.
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Image sources (in order of posting): Filmirage, Warner Bros. Television, Dimension Films, Shapiro Entertainment, ABC, United Artists, MGM/UA, 20th Century Fox, Filmirage, American International Pictures, Seda Spettacoli