The Wan and Pasty-Faced Actors Best Suited To Help Run This Vampire Craze All The Way Into The Ground
Listen, I know, we’re all a little feeling a little drained at the thought of another vampire flick. (GET IT?! DRAINED?! Ah, I slay me. GET IT?! SLAY?!) Even though the new Fright Night trailer looks kind of camptastically awesome, all this vampire nonsense has to end sometime. Right? RIGHT?! Well before it all stops and we are no longer battered over the head with “vampire as metaphor for OMG loneliness or something” fiction, there are still a few actors I would like to see don the pointed teeth.
One of the problems I have with vampire flicks, you see, are the warring schools of thought over what a vampire ought to look like. There’s the “Drinking All That Blood Has Made Me Sort Of Luscious And Healthy” look as exemplified by the beautiful Monica Bellucci.
Then there’s the far more popular “Vampires Are Just Misunderstood Outsiders, You Know, Like Those F*cking Goth Kids, Let’s Kit Them Up In Loads Of Black And Eyeliner” look. Otherwise known as “The Hot Topic Aesthetic” best-worn by the lovely Kate Beckinsale in the Underworld disenfranchise.
And, finally, there is whatever is going on with those idiotic and sometimes sparkly Twilight kids. The “Horrid Wigs And Even More Horrider Makeup” look.
I mean, seriously, do they just wallop Peter Facinelli upside the head with a sack of flour when he gets to the set in the morning?
Anyway, none of those looks have ever really done it for me. (Not that I would kick Selene out of bed.) In my opinion, a vampire should look hungry, not painted. They should look otherworldly, not elaborately moussed. And if the pasty look can be achieved without wasting an entire bag of Gold Medal All-Purpose every day, well that’s just pale and sickly icing on the cake. Apparently director Jim Jarmusch (oh, how I sometimes love him) shares my opinion because he’s just cast a new “crypto-vampire love story” and his three leads (all fair-skinned, cheekbony and faintly menacing) are numbers 1-3 on my list. What can I say, I’ve always preferred Spike to Angel. So here they are, the top ten actors that make me want to reach for the holy water.
10. Michelle Williams
9. Eddie Redmayne
8. Cillian Murphy
7. Miranda Otto
6. Matt Smith
5. Cate Blanchett
4. Paul Bettany
2. & 3. Michael Fassbender and Mia Wasikowksa
1. Tilda Swinton