This list is sort of like a “Whatever Happened To …. the Cast of ‘Beverly Hills 90210’ or ‘That ’70s Show’” in reverse. However, I think that in the case of The Twilight Saga cast, it would probably be much more fun to anticipate their respective fates over the next decade then to actually wait and mull them over in a retrospective at some point down the line. Let’s face it — this cast will largely be a depressing sight to witness in the future, so let’s have some fun with them now, shall we?
Robert Pattinson: I’ll be perfectly honest here — I wanted this guy to succeed because he’s just so likeable, and his apparently earnest desire to build indie cred led me to believe that it was possible despite his somewhat limited acting range. In actuality, poor Rob made so many people laugh while playing the US army interrogator who tracked down Saddam Hussein that he fled the world of cinema with his faux-vamp tail between his legs. Now, he can be found touring the House of Blues with his latest band, Sparkle Sparkle Bang Bang.
Kristen Stewart: Sure, she was a hot and scandalous tamale for casting purposes, but that didn’t last more than a few years. Eventually, Hollywood learned that KStew was nothing more than an attitude-laden eye roller. Not even taking her clothes off in a bunch of movies helped to distract from the constant state of ennui that pervaded every character — even the cheery ones — that KStew aimed to gamely take on in an effort to prove her hardcore actressing abilities. Oh, and Joan Jett finally admitted how fucking embarrassed she was to be portrayed as a lip biter.
Taylor Lautner: For whatever reason, producers thought this guy was going to be the next big action star. Boy, were they wrong. When producers mistakenly cast Lautner in a prominent role in The Expendibles 5 (which finally killed that particular franchise once and for all), they finally realized that Team Jacob just wasn’t paying attention anymore.
Billy Burke: Sadly, this talented character actor never quite got over the stigma of being largely known as “Bella’s Dad” by an entire generation of Twihards and their overenthusiastic mothers. After the Saga ended, he kept his head down and returned to steady television work (and more importantly, he never wore a mustache again), yet he never ceased to be creeped out by the autograph seekers who never watched any of his other projects.
Ashley Greene: Oh boy, this one enjoyed a hard fall from a lofty perch. It turns out that just because people enjoy it when you pose in nothing but bodypaint for Sobe doesn’t mean that they’ll actually pay to watch your movies. Who knew? She’s currently a cocktail waitress in Vegas, baby.
Kellan Lutz: This guy’s ego took a real bashing when he realized that he probably will never win that Academy Award he wanted so very badly. At a certain point though, Lutzy became the ultimate cheesy entrepreneur with a very special brand of Kellan Lutz protein power, the profits of which allowed him to seek early retirement and provided for ample time to troll for “Dick” on Craigslist. Daddy’s home, boys.
Nikki Reed: This girl’s career was a real sleeper, and nobody expected her to go far after The Twilight Saga ended. Oddly enough, people realized she was a real beauty once she took that terribly unflattering blonde wig off, and she slowly worked her way into respectable movies and enjoyed an enduring career as a talented supporting actress.
Jackson Rathbone: When the first Twilight movie came out, critics tended to dismiss his appearance in the Jasper role as a mere fluke because of his alleged talent and presence in other movies. However, it became obvious not only during the run of the franchise (Last Airbender, anyone?) but also afterwards that the dude had a really awful agent. Alas, he gave up movies and decided to concentrate on family life while also teaching an acting workshop that bore a very strong resemblance to his training “pep talks” during Eclipse.
Anna Kendrick: Everyone always knew this girl was better than these horrifically awful movies after she achieved a promising start on Broadway. Even though she earned an Oscar nomination for her work on Up in the Air, she never quite found her place in film and found herself often relegated to the role of smart-ass-hipster sister/sidekick. As such, Anna became disillusioned with film work and headed back for a lengthy career where she belonged — on the stage. Stop by and see her in the ultimate Kit Kat Club revival next time you’re in New York City!
Peter Facinelli: Let’s not kid ourselves here. This dude was always meant for Lifetime movies, so it’ s no surprise that he found himself starring with the likes of LeAnn Rimes and Jennifer Love Hewitt in a series of horrible romantic dramas after Twilight folded. Mostly, he lived a life of regret after leaving wife Jennie Garth, which is exactly what he deserve because … who the hell leaves Kelly Taylor and lives a happy life?
Elizabeth Reaser: Unfortunately, The Twilight Saga was not a huge breakout vehicle for this lovely lady, who went on to do lots of nondescript television work in the future. After toiling away thanklessly for many years, she also went on to land a prominent gig on one of those “CSI”-type shows before pulling a L’Oreal contract for their hair colour line, for which she actually modeled a series of wigs.
Dakota Fanning: Little Dakota managed to outlast all of these other actors, and she also graduated from NYU with honors. When asked how she managed to remain unaffected by her past as a child actor, she answered, “I decided at a very early age never to work with Tom Cruise ever again. He really creeps my shit out.”
Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at Celebitchy.