The Top Five Most Plausible Jon Snow Theories

By Joe Starr | Lists | August 26, 2015 |

By Joe Starr | Lists | August 26, 2015 |

Warning: Game of Thrones spoilers. Probably some other stuff, too.

At this point, any Game of Thrones fan worth their weight in Valyrian steel has waded through the bulk of Jon Snow theories online. Is he really a Targaryen? Is he going to Warg into his direwolf? Is Melisandre going to bring him back from the dead with hot fire magic?

As reports of Kit Harington being spotted near Thrones shooting locations and George RR Martin’s suggestion that the show will end before his books are finished pile up, I wanted to take time to provide some clarity and calm for you, the bored Game of Thrones fan that is tired of the same old Jon Snow talking points.

Ready to get your mind blown? Think you know what happens to Jon Snow? You know nothing.

Jon Snow doesn’t exist

Jon Snow doesn’t actually exist, and is a figment of best friend Cameron’s imagination. It seems ridiculous, but there is a good possibility that all of Westeros is a work of fantastical fiction mapped out by one sick, depressed high schooler in Chicago. After all, how else could someone as uncharismatic and mopey as Jon Snow rise to the heights of Lord Commander and score with Ygritte? By the way, the name Ygritte shares only one letter with Sloane- the same number of arrows that kill Ygritte.

Further to the point is why Jon Snow falls for such an obvious trap: that Cameron can’t take the advice of his best friend Ferris. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Ferris is warning Cameron/Jon about people that want to stab you.

Jon Snow is rescued by Buzz Lightyear

We all, of course, remember Sid Phillips from Toy Story. He’s a weird unhinged kid that treats his toys like crap. There’s a good possibility that Game of Thrones is the projection of Sid playing rough with a set of medieval toys he got for his birthday. He’s a preteen, so the ridiculous amount of boobs makes complete sense, as does all of the over the top carnage.

Toy Story 4 will be about Woody and Buzz discovering a beat up Jon Snow action figure in a box somewhere, and helping him in his search for a Bratz doll that Sid named Ygritte after his babysitter.

Jon Snow’s death was staged…just like the moon landing.

It’s been proven by science that the moon landing was super fake, and if you look closely, Game of Thrones is actually a screaming admission of one of the government’s most closely guarded secrets.

For starters, comets come from space, and there was a giant comet in season 2 of Game of Thrones that everyone has since downplayed. Perhaps it’s been downplayed so that the people of Westeros don’t start to think twice about the reality that the comet, much like our space program, is a propaganda driven illusion? Perhaps YES.

Jon Snow is sent to guard THE WALL, which protects the orderly Realm from ‘Wildlings’ that don’t agree with the status quo. You know, like the status quo of believing that a flag can wave on the moon where’s there’s no wind or whatever. Snow becomes a problem when he attempts to bring the Wildlings across the Wall, thus threatening the status quo keeping people from the truth. He is murdered for his trouble by fellow members of the Night’s Watch, who stab him multiple times with almost blank stares on their faces. MK Ultra, anyone?

Also, let’s not forget that the moon landing was filmed on a SOUND STAGE, much like the ones that Game of Thrones uses when they aren’t able to shoot on location.

Jon Snow is from the future

Ned Stark protected Jon Snow’s true secret to the death: Jon Snow is from the future, sent to the past to deal with the White Walkers before they get out of hand. In fact, no one has heard from Benjen Stark because Benjen was sent to the future to report on Snow’s progress.

Melisandre is aware of this, and aborts the mission before Snow can bleed out at Castle Black by using her magic to send him back to the future. Game of Thrones season 6 will open with Snow crash landing in world that is supposed to be safe, but to his shock and dismay, the first thing he sees is the Lincoln Memorial except with an Abe Lincoln Night King statue sitting in the chair.

Jon Snow won’t be on the run from an evolved society of White Walkers for long. He will finally find Benjen and the primitive human survivors of the resistance to finally rid the world of these damn dirty walkers, but not before another big twist: the White Walkers overtaking the world was Daenerys Targaryen’s fault. You Targaryen Maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell.

Jon Snow is Laura Palmer

Music, fire, and water are constant themes in Twin Peaks, and Game of Thrones is of course based on a series of books called A Song of Ice and Fire, and it doesn’t take a moron to connect the dots.

Jon Snow is the representation of purity in Game of Thrones, as is Laura Palmer in Twin Peaks. However, snow slightly frozen water and, much like Laura Palmer’s life and the pie eating peace of Twin Peaks, is tragically temporary.

Jon is surrounded by ice and snow when he is warged into Laura Palmer’s body with the help of Melisandre’s fire magic, which is why Palmer is found by a lake, which according to science, is made of water. Water is melted snow. The ice and snow were most likely melted by fire.

Melisandre’s meddling directly affects the strands of reality in the town, hence Mike’s chant and warning: “Through the darkness of future’s past. The magician longs to see. One chants out between the two worlds. Fire walk with me.”

The warning that the ‘owls are not what they seem’ is lost in translation, as it probably refers to ‘crows,’ the slang for members of the Night’s Watch. Owls and crows are both birds. Laura Palmer is not what she seems, as she is actually the dead protagonist of an epic fantasy world. Does this theory have any weight? Considering that Twin Peaks promised to see us again in 25 years, the same amount of time it will take for George RR Martin to finish his next book? Probably.

Also Rickon Stark is the log.