Ensemble: Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon, Jennifer Esposito, Michael Peña, Brendan Fraser, Terrence Howard, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges, Thandie Newton, and Ryan Phillippe.
Rotten Tomatoes: 75 percent. Three-quarters of the critics LIKED this movie, which won the Oscar in 2005, making it the worst Oscar winner for Best Picture ever, and illustrating that 75 percent of critics have sh*t for brains.
9. Mars Attacks!
Ensemble: Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close, Annette Bening, Pierce Brosnan, Danny DeVito, Martin Short, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michael J. Fox, Tom Jones, Lukas Haas, Natalie Portman.
Rotten Tomatoes: 52 percent. HOW COULD THIS MOVIE HAVE BEEN SO UNBELIEVABLY TERRIBLE? I mean, TIM BURTON. Before he was a caricature.
8. The Family Stone
Ensemble: Diane Keaton, Craig T. Nelson, Dermot Mulroney, Sarah Jessica Parker, Luke Wilson, Claire Danes, Rachel McAdams, and Elizabeth Reaser.
Rotten Tomatoes: 51 percent. This was supposed to be Parenthood set at Christmas. It wasn’t. At all. Also, what happened to Elizabeth Reaser?
7. Sin City: A Dame to Kill For
Ensemble: Mickey Rourke, Jessica Alba, Rosario Dawson, Bruce Willis, Jaime King, Josh Brolin, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Eva Green, Dennis Haysbert, Ray Liotta, Christopher Lloyd, Jamie Chung, Jeremy Piven, Christopher Meloni, Lady Gaga, Alexa Vega, Julia Garner, and Juno Temple.
Rotten Tomatoes: 46 percent. More people were in this movie than watched it.
Ensemble: Laurence Fishburne, Heather Graham, Anthony Hopkins, Helen Hunt, Joshua Jackson, Shia LaBeouf, Lindsay Lohan, William H. Macy, Demi Moore, Martin Sheen, Christian Slater, Sharon Stone, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Elijah Wood.
Rotten Tomatoes: 46 percent. I would remind you that this was before we were making fun of Shia (although, we were already making fun of Sharon Stone). I also like to refer to this movie as though I were Hank Hill referring to his son.
5. Southland Tales
Ensemble: Dwayne Johnson, Seann William Scott, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Mandy Moore, and Justin Timberlake.
Rotten Tomatoes: 36 percent. Donnie Darko seemed trippy and profound. Southland Tales illustrated that the emperor (in this case, Richard Kelly) had no clothes. The 36 percent who gave this a positive review were all tripping balls.
4. Valentine’s Day
Ensemble: Jessica Alba, Kathy Bates, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, and Julia Roberts (among others).
Rotten Tomatoes: 18 percent. When you have 20 popular cast members and two hours of runtime, each actor is only going to get around 10 minutes of screentime, which is hardly enough time to invest in a character. Not that it would’ve mattered. The storylines themselves were dreadful.
3. Year One
Ensemble: Jack Black, Michael Cera, Olivia Wilde, Juno Temple, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, David Cross, Bill Hader, Paul Rudd, Harold Ramis, Hank Azaria, Paul Scheer, and June Diane Raphael.
Rotten Tomatoes: 14 percent. I have no idea how it managed 14 percent. Have June Diane Raphael and Paul Scheer does this on their “How Did This Get Made” podcast yet? Because they should. Of course, that would require watching it. I vividly remember walking out about 20 minutes into it because I just couldn’t bear it any longer.
2. Mixed Nuts
Ensemble: Steve Martin, Madeline Kahn, Rita Wilson, Anthony LaPaglia, Garry Shandling, Juliette Lewis and Adam Sandler.
Rotten Tomatoes: 7 percent. Look at that cast. LOOK AT THAT CAST WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. This was before Steve Martin began doing family films. This was long before Adam Sandler had sold out. They were beloved. It’s one of my very earliest theater-going disappointments, and it kills me to say it now, but the only thing good about this movie was Sandler.
1. Movie 43
Ensemble: Kristen Bell, Halle Berry, Gerard Butler, Anna Faris, Chris Pratt, Hugh Jackman, Johnny Knoxville, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloë Grace Moretz, Seann William Scott, Emma Stone, and Kate Winslet
Rotten Tomatoes: 4 percent. A series of tasteless vignettes that I would simply like to remind everyone included one in which our beloved Chris Pratt played a character who tried fill overfill his bowels so that he could take a sh*t on his wife during sex, but ended up having an ass explosion all over a car windshield after he was hit by a car. Oh, and Hugh Jackman had testicles hanging from his neck.