Forbes magazine, which no one ever reads unless they’re talking about how much money celebrities make, officially ranked the Ten Highest Paid Assholes in Hollywood this week. They probably had a different name for the list, but trust me: It’s definitely the asshole list. Why assholes? Because they get a lousy return on the investment, and as we’ve discussed in the past, and as we’ve all agreed with regards to what’s most important, it’s the shareholders that matter the most in this equation. Obviously, anyone who screws over the shareholders is an asshole, even Matt Damon, the only asshole in America with Angel Wings and a mean McConaughey impression.
(In reality, there’s probably only four assholes on this list; Vince Vaughn is probably on the cusp — he’s either a super genuine great guy or a complete and total raging asshole. I could never tell about him.)
Anyway, Forbes used a formula to determine the ratings. I don’t want to get into it, but basically the formula they used insured that people you’d never heard of didn’t make it on the list because, say, Katie Aselton doesn’t sell magazines, although she should. She’d definitely make number one on the list of hottest people from Maine (narrowly edging out Anna Kendrick).
So the list. Here it is. It’s going to be so anticlimactic.
1. Will Ferrel: For every $1 Ferrell was paid, his films earned an average $3.35.
2. Eddie Murphy: For every $1 Murphy gets paid, his films earn an average $4.45.
3. Denzel Washington: For every $1 Washington earned, his films returned an average $5.10.
4. Seth Rogen: For every $1 Rogen was paid, his movies earned $6.75.
5. Tom Cruise: For every $1 Cruise was paid, his films earned an average $7.20.
6. Drew Barrymore: For every $1 Barrymore was paid, her films earned an average $7.45.
7. Matt Damon: For every $1 Damon gets paid, his films earn an average $8.30.
8. Vince Vaughn: For every $1 Vaughn was paid, his films earned $8.35.
9. Adam Sandler: For every $1 Sandler was paid, his films earned an average $8.45.
10. Jim Carrey: For every $1 Carrey was paid, his films earned $8.60.
* Updated Headline compliments of Kballs