I was reading about Germany’s oddly strict naming laws this morning and revisiting some of the classic crimes against humanity perpetrated by Celebrities Who Procreate. You’ve heard them before. The Greatest Hits:
I mean, I have a fondness for alliteration too, Roberto, but come on. This certainly isn’t just a celebrity phenomenon. The article also enumerates hideous acts of naming cruelty perpetrated by every day folks (Monster Moor, Goblin Fester, Cheese Ceaser, Leper Priest, Garage Empty, Hysteria Johnson, Nice Deal, Butcher Baker, Lotta Beers, Emma Royd, Post Office, Good Bye, King Arthur, Infinity Hubbard, Please Cope, Major Slaughter, Helen Troy). And then, of course there’s the popular Name Of The Year contest which, this year, includes such greats as Delorean Blow, A’Trey-U Jones, Atticus Disney and Taco B.M. Monster. (My money’s on A’Trey-U. A’TREEEYY-UUUUUUU!!) The Germans are looking less unreasonable now, no?
Anyway, there’s plenty of batsh*t in the world, and plenty of celebrity batsh*t in the world so I wanted to take a moment to celebrate the most refreshingly unbatsh*t couples out there and contemplate what name they might saddle their genetically gifted offspring with.
1. Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson (RIP)
Worst-Case Scenario: Diane changed her name from Heidkrüger to Kruger, so I don’t think she’ll go TOO Germanic. Friedrich Kruger-Jackson
2. Michael Sheen and Rachel McAdams
Worst-Case Scenario: Michael is Welsh and the Welsh are true geniuses when it comes to naming something as if you’ve just had a seizure over your keyboard. (Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.) However, he named his first daughter with Kate Beckinsale “Lily Mo” not “Llylly Moew” and Rachel McAdams is one of the blander slices of Canadian bacon I’ve ever seen. Charlie McAdams-Sheen
3. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi
Worst-Case Scenario: This is a tricksy one and the fate of this child will depend entirely on Ellen’s intervention. Portia de Rossi was born “Amanda Lee Rogers” so we know she’s not above tarting things up a little. Ellen, however, seems super-duper sane barring one mop-top blind spot. Justine Bieber-Fiebre de Rossi-DeGeneres
4. Freida Pinto and Dev Patel
Worst-Case Scenario: I know, you’re concerned. “Dev” and “Freida” sound really foreign to you. But did you know that “Dev” is pronounced “Dave”? He might as well be named “Bob Patel.” Bob Pinto-Patel Jr.
5. John Krasinski and Emily Blunt
Worst-Case Scenario: There’s always a danger, when the Brits are involved, of some sort of ungainly moniker that sounds maiden auntie-ish to our American ears. (Beatrice and Eugenie?! How are these women not in their 60’s?) Krasinski, however, seems fairly american white bread. Let’s go with the UK’s most popular (if still rather auntie-esque) name. Florence Blunt-Krasinski
6. Zoe Saldana and Ol’ Whathisface Wedontcare
Worst-Case Scenario: We’re going to need all the blandening Zoe’s not-really famous mate has to offer to counteract her perverse punctuation proclivities. She’s been billed as Zoë Saldana, Zoe Saldaña, and Zoë Saldaña. Honestly. Jöhñ Saldaña-Wedontcare
7. Lauren Graham and Peter Krause
Worst-Case Scenario: Awww, aren’t they the cutest? Sorry, focus, okay. Krause has a son from a previous marriage named Roman which, as far as Italian adjectives go, ain’t bad. We’ll just hope it’s not a trend. Venetian Graham-Krause