If it hasn’t been apparent through my writing, I’m what some people might call “unemotional.” I’ve been accused of being “stoic” and “reserved” and “what’s the matter with you? Are you actually dead inside?” But it’s not that exactly. I have emotions and feelings, some of them quite deep actually; I just prefer that they be given an appropriate level of notice, and that they not run amok all over everything. So I’m not unemotional so much as I’m pragmatic about my emotions.
It probably shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone then that I’m not a fan of most rom-coms. Or roms for that matter. I like a good love story, but I don’t want any melodrama to it. Are there long declarations of love made in flowery language? Are there large public displays of undying affection? Are people running to make those declarations or displays? Is this all happening in inclement weather? Then I probably don’t care for it.
But there are plenty of things that make me all squishy and feely on the inside. And in honor of everyone’s favorite anti-romcom You’re The Worst returning this week, I, with the help of the other Overlords, have complied the most romantic lines for mostly unromantic people. Prepare to swoon.
Jess: You’re a mess!
Nick: You are so annoying in your little shorts!
Jess: Why are you so angry all the time?!
— New Girl
“July 7th, 2007, Jenny and I went to city hall and got married. I still didn’t believe in the idea of marriage, and I still don’t. But I believe in her. And I’ve given up on the idea of being right.”
— My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend by Mike Birbiglia
— Empire Strikes Back or All of My Day Dreams
“Shut up and deal.”
Liza: And you may throw me out tomorrow if I don’t do everything you want me to?
Higgins: Yes; and you may walk out tomorrow if I don’t do everything you want me to.
And its emotional successor.
Gretchen: Have you met me? The only way I can stomach any of this is knowing I can just bail at any time.
Jimmy: We can just bail?
Gretchen: Yeah. I always have one foot out the door. With everything. Especially with us.
Jimmy: So you might just suddenly bounce?
Gretchen: Any minute.
Jimmy: I love you.
— You’re the Worst
“I hate it, Gretchen Cutler, but you goddamn floor me.”
— You’re The Worst
“Every morning in the mirror, I purse my pillow lips up and stare into my apple juice eyes and I be like, ‘I love you. I love you, Sam! I love you!’”
— You’re The Worst
Because yes, your eyes are rich, delicious apple juice.
“If you’re the kind of person who actually needs love, really needs love, chances are you’re not the kind of person who’s going to have the wherewithal to create it. Creating love is not for the soft and sentimental among us. Love is a tough business.”
— “Unconditional Love” The American Life
Yes, I’m aware that episode is dealing with parental, not romantic, love. But “Love is a tough business” is basically my personal mantra, and I’m writing this post, so shut up.
“You’re so cool. You’re so cool. You’re so cool.”
— True Romance
“Chin up, you know what the Monty Python boys say.” “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition?”
— Sliding Doors
And finally the most romantic scene of all time. This is fact.