The James Spader Bangability Index
I have a confession to make. Last week I betrayed myself, I betrayed you, I betrayed humanity itself when I wrote a post on about movie characters who are genuinely awful but everyone wants to bang them anyway, and I somehow left Steff from Pretty In Pink out. James Spader is that list. I have never felt more ashamed.
In order to make it up to you, dear Pajibans, and to hopefully restore some measure of faith in my own self, I present a sample of Spader’s movies, ranked in terms of how bangable he is in them. I’m leaving out his TV work and a good chunk of his movies, mostly those I have not seen. I don’t do body horror and refuse to watch Crash on general principle. Feel free to debate James Spader’s relative bangability in works I have omitted in the comments. Nay. Feel encouraged.
There’s a certain bangability to how fully Spader commits to the role of a smarmy, pathetic little worm… I… guess…? But the combover. Oh, the combover.
If I want anyone to be a sexual freak in a James Spader movie, I want it to be James Spader.
Plus, any potential bangability is thwarted by the general sense of nausea that comes from knowing you’re watching Andrew McCarthy’s career imploding right in front of your eyes.
Bangability Rating: 3
Less than Zero
Bangable-even-when-he’s-being-a-total-jackass is an indispensable part of the James Spader package, but forcing baby Tony Stark into male prostitution is a little dark, even for me. And again, awful hair.
Bangability Rating: 4
Avengers: Age of Ultron
Bangability Rating: 6, 7 if you’re robosexual. Gotta love a genocidal sassbot.
With bonus baby RDJ in the most stylin’ Avengers: Age of Ultron prequel ever! This is pre-Pretty in Pink, when it looked like Spader might try to go the generic Hollywood heartthrob route, and thank God he didn’t. Let your freak flag fly, Spader! And stop lip syncing!
Bangability Rating: 7
Floppy haired space nerd.
Bangability Rating: 8
Pretty in Pink
It was more or less impossible for me to rank the three most important films in James Spader’s bangability filmography. What sets Steff apart is that he shouldn’t be bangable at all. He’s a heinous shit to Molly Ringwald, treating her like dirt ostensibly because she’s poor and he’s an elitist yuppie asshole, but really because she wouldn’t bang him, and he’s petty about it. (Well, the first thing, too.) He dresses like an utter douchebag. He’s intellectually challenged, or else why would a man who’s clearly in his late 20s still be in high school? He has feathered hair.
And yet. And yet. This, more than anything else on this list, is Peak Spader. The appeal, though undeniably real, can never fully be explained by either religion or science.
Bangability Rating: 9.8
16 years after Pretty in Pink, James Spader proves he’s still the undisputed champ of making you want to hump characters you wouldn’t think you’d want to hump. “No, of course I don’t want to watch a 40-something schlub spank Maggie Gyllenhaal. Well, maybe.”
Bangability Rating: 9.9
Sex Lies and Videotape
James Spader achieves 10/10 bangability even when playing an impotent character. I think we’re done here.
Bangability Rating: 10
Rebecca (@RebeccaPahle) dedicates this post to Kristy, who inspired it a few months back when she started talking about how she’d still totally fuck James Spader in Lincoln. His character name is Bilbo, Kristy. BILBO.