When they’re not selling you lavish costume dramas or fast-paced, eat that popcorn with a shovel action, sometimes Hollywood wants to tell you a real story. Not one about about queens, hammer-wielding gods and lethal assassins, but one about, like, real people man. People like you and me and your somewhat slovenly neighbor! But, for the most part, Hollywood ain’t populated with us; it’s populated with people who have waxed, pilated and tanned themselves into demigod condition. But that doesn’t stop them from wanting those juicy “real people” roles, too. So shove off, Giamatti — let the pretty people have a shot for once. Here, from worst to best, are 8 attempts to make you forget you’re watching a star.
Glasses (Scarlett Johansson — Scoop): Sh*t, where’d Johansson go? All I see is a dork. A totally unhot dork. I wouldn’t touch her with Woody Allen’s [REDACTED].
Bad Wardrobe (George Clooney — The Descendants): Did you buy the Cloonmaster General as an ordinary, work-a-day dad? Did those Hawaiian shirts and flip-flops transport you?
Too Much Wardrobe (Sandra Bullock — While You Were Sleeping): This is a charming chick flick favorite with good reason, but the idea that poor, hapless, cat-owning Sandra Bullock has never found love is a pretty tough to swallow. The best they could do was put her in every baggy sweater, knit cap, scarf and overcoat in the greater Chicago area. Nice try.
Weight Gain (Renée Zellweger — Bridget Jones’s Diary): Zellwegger combines some cellulite (ooooh) and messy hair (ahhhhhhhh) to actually pull off a pretty convincing every-girl. I don’t want to talk about the sequels — don’t make me.
Bad Hair (Michelle Williams — Brokeback Mountain): The absolutely gorgeous Williams is undercover here as a naive woman with low self-esteem. The fact that you buy her mousiness is paramount to buying her performance. And I did, hook line and sinker. Well moused.
Too Much Hair (Joseph Gordon-Levitt — Hesher): Oh, creepy greasy Jesus Gordon-Levitt. I can smell you from here.
The Demi Gosling (Ryan Gosling — Lars And The Real Girl): Weight gain? Check. Bad wardrobe? Check. Distressing facial hair? Check check. One of Gosling’s very best performances and a far cry from the golden god we know and love. He’s well-primed to unseat the king.
The Full Bale (Christian Bale — The Fighter), American Hustle and The Machinist : You never go Full Bale.