We like to blame stars and directors, more times than not, for the direction that Hollywood has taken in recent years, toward the proliferation of sequels, remakes, and movies based on toys, gum, rocks, and board games. But the reality is, stars don’t often have the power alone to push a project through the production mill. Two of the biggest stars in Hollywood, Ben Stiller and Will Ferrell, proved that just this week in their unsuccessful attempts to get sequels to Zoolander and Anchorman made.
It’s not the celebrities who wield the most power. It’s the producers. And some of those producers are evil assholes. Here are the five most loathsome among them. They’re the people behind the crap, and most people don’t even know what they look like. I want to put a picture to their assholery. Hang their images on your dart boards while basking in the collective shit that these five people have been responsible for over the years (and the projects they’ll be responsible for in the many years to come).
Honorable Mention: Brian Robbins (Meet Dave, Norbit, Wild Hogs, Shaggy Dog, Radio, Ready to Rumble) and Bennett Schneir (Risk, Untitled Ouija Project, Stretch Armstrong, Untitled Monopoly Project, Candy Land).
5. Brian Grazer (Partner, Imagine Entertainment)
Worst Offenses: Robin Hood (Russell Crowe version), Cry-Baby, Kindergarten Cop, My Girl 2, The Nutty Professor, The Nutty Professor II, Life, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Undercover Brother, Fun with Dick and Jane, The Cat and the Hat, and The Cowboy Way.
Projects in Development: Zooom, The Nutty Professor III, The Lost Symbol, Real Genius (remake), Stretch Armstrong, East of Eden, Fantasy Basketball Camp, The Incredible Shrinking Man, Merman, “24” movie, and many many more.
4. Akiva Goldsman (Executive, Weed Road Pictures)
Worst Offenses: Lost in Space, Starsky & Hutch, Constantine, Poseidon, The Losers. Akiva also wrote, among others, Batman Forever, Batman & Robin, Practical Magic, Beautiful Mind,The Da Vinci Code, and Angels and Demons.
Projects in Development: Paranormal Activity 2, Jonah Hex, Fair Game, Sgt. Rock, Robotech, The Toxic Avenger (remake), I Am Legend (prequel), The Fantastic Four (reboot), Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Lobo.
3. Jerry Bruckheimer (CEO, Jerry Bruckheimer Films)
Worst Offenses: Days of Thunder, Rock, Armageddon, Con Air, Gone in 60 Seconds, Coyote Ugly, Pear Harbor, Kangaroo Jack, King Arther, National Treasure, National Treasure sequel, Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert, Confessions of a Shopaholic, and G-Force.
Projects in Development: Prince of Persia, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, National Treasure 3, The Lone Ranger, World War Robot, Game Boys, Gemini Man.
2. Brad Fuller (Partner, Platinum Dunes)
Worst Offenses: Nightmare on Elm Street (remake), Friday the 13th (remake), Texas Chainsaw Massacre (remake), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, The Unborn, Horseman, The Amityville Horror (remake)
Projects in Development: Friday the 13th II, The Birds (remake), Ouija Board Project, The Monster Squad (remake), Property of the State, Heatseekers.
1. Neal Moritz (Executive, Original Film)
Worst Offenses: The Bounty Hunter, Prom Night, Cruel Intention 1-3, The Fast and the Furious I - IV, Blue Streak, Skulls III, Stealth, Click, xXx, Urban Legends: The Final Cut, I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer, Evan Almighty, The Gridiron Gang, Vantage Point, Made of Honor. And many, many more.
Projects in Development: Total Recall (remake), Green Lantern, Flash Gordon, 21 Jump Street, xXs: The Return of Xander Cage, Fast and the Furious V, Battle Los Angeles, Highlander (remake), Sinbad, Cliffhanger (remake), The Boys, Escape From New York (remake), Goosebumps, Look Who’s Talking (remake) and many, many more.