The Five Hottest Children's Television Personalities
My kid has been at home with pneumonia this week, hacking like a pack-a-day smoker, so in addition to having to do a lot of my writing for the site late at night or harried, during naps, I’ve also become even more familiar with children’s television. Except when he’s sick (and if your kid goes to play school, he’s always fucking sick), we don’t expose him to much television aside from the occasional “Sesame Street” episode and “Calliou” (and if you’re not familiar with the latter, count your goddamn blessings: Calliou is a whiny little French-Canadian (?) brat who spends most of his day pissing and moaning and begging to see his goddamn grandma, though God knows why she’d want to spend any time with the insufferable twit, especially after he broke the mug she made him. The little shit. But whatevs.) But when the kid is sick and unable to go outside, and I’ve already exhausted every puzzle, Lego, and book in the house, I’ll resort to a little children’s television, though he usually shows a decided disinterest in most of them (he’s a pretentious little two-year-old, much to my pleasure).
I’ve also spent a lot of time at the houses of friends who have children, so I’m at least familiar with a lot of the shows, and a lot of the hosts (also, slightly related: I don’t really understand the appeal of “Spongebob” to toddlers — it’s esoteric humor, a series of non-sequiturs that are only amusing in their nonsensicalness. Granted, I often get a kick out of it, but do kids understand that? Or are all kids secretly smoking fatties? )
Anyway, I figure: Why not put that otherwise useless knowledge to use, and knowing our readers as I do, slapping a “hottest” in front of the SRL title means that a lot of you are going to click out of simple curiosity. Cause you folks are sexual deviants always on the prowl for new objects of fantasy, God bless you.
So, why not. Here are the five hottest children’s television personalities.
5. DJ Lance Rock (“Yo Gabba Gabba”): I actually went through a month-long phase last year where I was actually trying to will my son into liking this show, if only because I kind of dug it. It’s basically a kid’s show for hipster kids — Mark Mothersbaugh (Devo) and The Aquabats are regulars, and they have a special guest on each episode (the Elijah Wood ep went viral for a while). It’s part cool and part freaky Dee-Lite type kid’s show, and the glue that holds it all together is DJ Lance Rock. Lance Robertson was once a figure in the indie rock scene, but I reckon he eventually decided, “If you can’t beat them, make a kid’s show.”
4. Wendy Calio (“Imagination Movers”): Yeah. I really don’t know who this is. Never seen the show. But at a bar last night, I told a buddy I was putting this list together, and he suggested Calio, who is apparently a rising star over on Disney (Disney characters aren’t allowed in our house, because … well … the line is too long at Space Mountain, and it’s not even close to worth it). Wendy plays Nina, a “perky, always smiling, youthful lady that sometimes helps the ‘movers’ solve their problems. Nina usually wears red and pink. She usually is featured dancing along with the movers in their very catchy songs.” In other words, she rocks the stripper pole while The Imagination Movers melt kids faces with their mad licks. Or something.
Of course, when I looked up Wendy Calio, one of the first things I found was this quote, on a message board: “I would do nasty, filthy things with the chick from Imagination Movers. Oh, and when finished, I would like to follow with more debaucherous mayhem with the chick from Choo Choo Soul.” And now I officially feel like a giant skeeze for even suggesting this list. Here’s Wendy:
3. Anthony Field (“The Wiggles”): I don’t watch this show. I don’t let my kid watch this show. I once saw about 30 seconds of it, and whatever they were singing jangled around in my brain for the next seven months. If I wanted horrible infectious songs stuck in my goddamn head all day, I’d listen to the Black Eyed Peas. But, I do understand that soccer moms like to pick out their favorite Wiggle and fantasize about him, and who am I to patronize their masturbation material? Apparently, Anthony’s the Paul McCartney of the group. Or the Lennon. Whichever one was the cutest. He was Cleo’s bachelor of the year. He’s Australian. And he breeds miniature fox terriers. How’s that for a catch, ladies?
2. Steve Burns (“Blue’s Clues”): I’m totally new to “Blue’s Clues,” which is actually one of the most successful children’s shows for preschoolers of all time. It was put together after a lot of intensive study and research on early childhood education, and the show reflects that. It invites a lot of involvement, and the early success of the show was largely attributed to its host, Steve Burns. Burns is another indie rocker, as well as a professional actor who left the show in 2001. There’s a new host now, and I’ve only seen half an episode of one of his shows before I nearly chucked my television out a window. I think Drew Magary over on Deadspin described the new version best:
Blue used to be an animated dog who couldn’t speak. But then they gave her some special room where she turned into a fucking puppet and started talking, and the show suddenly became the evil demon twin of its predecessor. “Blue’s Room” is dumb, annoying, grating, and worse than superAIDS.
Steve is not exactly cool on the show, but it’s nice to know that he’s cool in real life. Also, he was among People magazine’s 2000 most eligible bachelors.
1. Michelle Lepe (“The Goodnight Show”): Lepe hosts “The Goodnight Show,” which is essentially a block of kids’ programs that includes “Kipper,” “Calliou,” “The Berenstein Bears,” and a series of other shows that don’t really fit within the half-hour television schedule. So, Lepe hangs out on a couch with a star puppet, sings songs, and otherwise kills time between the episodes. She’s basically the only reason to stick around and suffer through the commercials. She’s comely. Hell, she’s an attractive woman, and if your kid is sick and can’t sleep, you could do worse than spend the wee hours of morning with Lepe.
The more amusing point, however, is that Lepe replaced Melanie Martinez, who was also a looker, but who lost her job after a video of her in high school jokingly advocating anal sex (as a means of avoiding pregnancy).