The A**hole's Guide to Breaking Up with A Significant Other Before Valentine's Day
Valentine’s Day is on Friday, and there’s nothing more embarrassing than giving a bad, generic gift on that very special day of manufactured commerce. There’s a lot of anxiety built in to finding the perfect gift, and a lot of people decide, quite frankly, that it’s easier to simply break off a relationship than try to impress a significant other with the appropriate Valentine’s Day gift.
It’s the asshole way.
But if there’s one thing more difficult than finding the ideal Valentine’s gift, it’s breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. This is especially true if you’re a spineless asshole who’d rather get caught cheating than actually go through the painful process of dumping someone. But a cheating partner is not always so easy to find. Most of the time, it ultimately comes down to a painful, long drawn-out process that requires a series of “talks,” the frequent exchange of texts and emails, and a few late-night calls. If you try to let someone down easy, there’s always one more conversation to be had — you’re left with an endless series of “it’s not you, it’s me” pep talks, where you’re attempting to prop up their self-esteem so you the break-up is not compounded by the guilt of tearing down your ex. In the end, though, you always have to resort to harsh words to clean the break: “Go away, please leave me alone, I don’t love you anymore. Goodbye. Forever.”
But, there are more subtle ways of accomplishing a break-up, if you’re the passive aggressive asshole type. I really can’t recommend a thematically appropriate movie marathon enough — it’s all about letting the characters in movies do all the talking for you. Let’s face it: Hollywood screenwriters are just much smarter than we are: They can put feelings into words and actions that the rest of us simply cannot.
So, if you’re an asshole, here’s how you manage this feat just days before Valentine’s Day, you cretin. Watch one or more of these movies, and by the end of the night, you should be completely free of your relationship, just in time to avoid Valentine’s Day!
First, start out the movie marathon with a nice glass of wine. Set the mood. Start with some music. Maybe try “I Can’t Make You Love Me” (any version). Then sing along. Loudly. And pointedly. It sets the mood for the rest of the evening.
With the mood properly set, try out a few of these break-up gems:
500 Days of Summer: This one is nice and to the point: It says, “You’re a really great person that I like hanging out with. But I don’t love you. And I never will. I’m really sorry. Try to avoid a pointless, months-long downward spiral. I hope you find your Autumn. See ya!”
Lars and the Real Girl: You may have to do a little massaging of the message post-movie, but this one basically says: “I’d rather be with an inflatable doll, darling. There’s a lot less hassle; fewer conversations; no presents; and the sex is surprisingly decent.”
Forgetting Sarah Marshall: Watch this one in the nude, and when it’s over, tell him or her that you really prefer “That ’70s Show” to “Veronica Mars.” Bonus points if you can tell him or her that you’d like to see other people using hand puppets.
High Fidelity: After the movie, turn to her and say that you’ve completed a list of your top five break-ups of all time, and that she is number one. She’ll be heartbroken, but flattered!
The Break-Up: This one says a couple of things: 1) I really don’t want to do the dishes. Who wants to the dishes, and 2) I’d like to break-up, but I can’t afford another place. Can we figure out some sort of arrangement where we both stay in the apartment/house?
Kissing Jessica Stein (Same-sex female partners only): This one says, “I’m sorry. I love you. I think we’re soul mates, I really do. I just wish you had a penis.”
Better off Dead: “Yes. You probably are. But I’ve found someone else (someone who can ski the K-12).” (After you’ve dumped him, if he asks for directions back home, tell him: “Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way: Turn!”
Unfaithful: Adrian Lyne’s adultery flick puts it bluntly, “I’ve been fucking Diane Lane, and she is fantastic!”
Dancer in the Dark: Show her this movie, and she’ll be so emotionally devastated by the end of it, you breaking up with her will feel like the least of her problems!
War of the Roses & The Money Pit: These two movies send a very clear message: “I’m keeping the house, even if I have to kill you to do so.” If you go with The Money Pit, show them the scene above. Nothing cures heartbreak like insane laughter.
Celeste and Jesse Forever — See The Break-Up, only this is a sweeter, nice way to say the same thing.
Closer: “See! See! See how much better it is to be alone and single?!”
Almost Famous — About halfway through the movie, have your best friend and break up with him/her for you. Coward. (On the bright side, he/she can still finish Almost Famous, which is probably better than the relationship anyway.)
Under the Tuscan Sun: Just in case he/she didn’t get the message about Unfaithful.
Blue Valentine — Well, now you want to get back together, don’t you? DON’T DO IT. You’re just dragging out the inevitable and making everyone miserable in the process.
Trash Humpers: Oh, don’t worry about it. He/she broke up with you about halfway through the movie.