The other night I was closing the blinds of our bathroom window as I do every evening at the first sign of darkness, and I had a little chuckle over it—and some of my other rituals that all seem to stem from movies and not, you know, any logical reason. Be that as it may, I shall do these things forevermore. That bathroom window is low; right next to the toilet, and one of my greatest fears is that a face will pop up against the glass while I’m sitting there. If I have to take out the trash and it’s dark outside? I run. There is a lot of exposed glass at my house, so either blinds or curtains must cover the glass at night, or I just stay the hell away. And I will never not be on the lookout for a shark when I’m swimming; if the water is murky, I take a quick dip and I’m out. Now, I know you’re not sitting there laughing at me, because you have your own silly fears…like my friend who recently confessed she won’t look into mirrors at night. Because lookout, the killer is right behind you!
Don’t be shy, share your illogical fear.
10. If You Go Outside Alone at Night, Someone Will Jump Out of the Tree-line to Murder You.
9. If You Don’t Check the Back Seat of Your Vehicle, You Will Be Attacked by a Person Lying in Wait.
8. Never Park Next to a Van (or Help a Stranger Load Something into Said Van) Lest You Be Kidnapped.
7. Leaving a Knife on the Counter Means It Will Be Used to Kill You.
6. If You Bend Over a Sink to Wash Your Face or Spit Out Toothpaste, When You Stand Straight Again, You Will See Your Killer in the Mirror—Right Behind You. (Alternate Method: You Open the Medicine Cabinet. Close It and See the Killer).
5. Someone Is Waiting Behind a Door to Kill You.
4. Any Exposed Glass Will Allow Someone to Peek in at You or Jump Through the Glass to Get You.
3. You Will Be Knifed to Death While Showering.
2. If You Pick Up a Hitchhiker or You Hitch a Ride, You’ll Be Tortured and Killed By a Homicidal Maniac. (There’s a 0.0000089% chance [approx. 22 per year] of being killed while hitchhiking.)
1. Being Eaten Alive by a Shark. (2011 Worldwide: 17 Fatalities; 118 Reported Attacks, 2012 11 Fatalities; 102 Reported Attacks from SAF)