By Dustin Rowles & TK | Lists | April 24, 2009 |
By Dustin Rowles & TK | Lists | April 24, 2009 |
We’ve known for years now that Hollywood has completely run out of ideas, which is why they’re hitting the sequel, the remake, and the reboot bottles pretty hard. But pretty soon, Hollywood is going to run out of old ideas to recycle. But don’t despair, Hollywood. Before you start regurgitating your cud and eating it again, TK and I have a better idea: Start making movies based on song titles! There are billions of songs out there, and if you scan your iPod for a few minutes, even the most dimwitted studio executive could probably up with a premise or two.
To that end, TK and I are here to get you started, Hollywood. Here are ten great movie premises based on song titles alone.
“Bitch Went Nuts” (Ben Folds) — A spoof comedy based on the psycho, stalker female genre — Fatal Attraction, War of the Roses, Swimfan, Malicious, Obsessed, etc. Directed by Jason Friedburg and Aaron Seltzer, starring Kenan Thompson and his psycho-stalker, Anna Faris. — DR
“Meet Me In The City” (The Black Keys, originally by Junior Kimbrough): I love movies about gutwrenching heartbreak. The repeated lyric, “Please don’t leave me right now” makes your heart crack a little, and it’s the focus of the song. I don’t always want to see the big proclamation of love and the guy getting the girl and riding into the sunset. Sometimes I want to see the dark side. It beats standing in the rain with a boombox, because it’s not about getting the girl back. It’s about a terrible knowledge that this will end. You’re just not ready for it right now. And then it ends, and the resulting downward spiral? That’s the movie I want to see. Ryan Gosling stars, Neil LaBute directs. — TK
“Hobbit on the Rocks” (Toad the Wet Sprocket): An existential sci-fi drama about a Jabba the Hut type loner who spends his nights on a barstool drinking actual Hobbits (on the rocks) until he passes out. Directed by Jim Jarmusch Hobbit on the Rocks is a meditative movie about the intoxicating powers of Hobbit juice and its ability to simultaneously bring us closer while driving us to despair. Vince Vaughn, in a dramatic turn, will star as the Jabba-type character. — DR
“Porcelain” (Tonedeff): Similarly, I’m tired of the saccharin-sweet teen flicks that trivialize high school. I want something that helps you realize how harsh kids can be to each other (“we’re all just little kids with scarred hearts, and other kids who think they’re bigger than they really are”). Ellen Page breaks out of the quirky Juno-mold and becomes the loner whose desperate decisions take her to the brink. She’s reunited with Hard Candy director David Slade. — TK
“The Mayor of Simpleton” (XTC): A spin-off of Dumb and Dumber, The Mayor of Simpleton is a comedy about the mayor of a remote town in the Midwest comprised of the extended families of Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne. The mayor must save the town from its own rampant stupidity before they all die of obliviousness. The Farrelly Brothers will direct. Dane Cook and Dax Shepard will star. — DR
“Iron Swan” (The Sword): Forget Pirates of the Caribbean. Pirate movies should be dark, dirty, violent and yes, scary. This one would combine the gritty rough-edginess of piracy with morbid, Cthulhu-esque mythos. Much as I love Johnny Depp, this is a job for someone with the crazy eyes. Karl Urban plays the pirate, with either Cate Blanchett or Tilda Swinton as the evil queen bent on his destruction. Sam Raimi directs. — TK
“My Telly’s Gone Bung” (Crowded House): An Australian thriller about an unhinged serial killer staying in a motel who goes on a murdering spree after his television loses reception. The police eventually soothe him into submission by screening the Australian soap, “headLand” on a hotel wall. Mel Gibson will play the serial killer. Ron Howard will direct. — DR
“American Nightmare” (The Misfits): Crazed hillbilly finds his wife cheating on him and begins plotting her violent demise. Film quickly turns into a psychosexual torture-porn movie starring mostly unknowns. Eli Roth (of course) directs, though he is killed during filming in a freak blender accident. — TK
“Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots” (The Flaming Lips): An anime movie from Hayao Miyazaki about a Japanese school girl and master of martial arts who is forced to protect her small town from man-eating pink robots. Pink because they’re gay. And they’re hungry for penis. Also, old people’s medicine. But mostly penis. — DR
“Squeeze Me Macaroni” (Mr. Bungle): A tale of sexual perversions and dysfunction focusing on a man and woman who fall in love when they discover that they both really love food. And not in the way most of us do. They struggle for acceptance. A sequel is already in the works. David Fincher directs. — TK