I sat down yesterday and attempted to review one of these awesomely crapulent monster face-off flicks (thanks unknowingly to Darthcorleone), and 20 minutes into the experience, I wiped off the blood leaking from my nose and came to this realization: Crapulent Monster Face Off movies aren’t meant to be watched in their entirety. Not unless you enjoy brain damage or have absolutely no appreciation for how little time on Earth we have. Or you’re TK who gets some sick fucking pleasure out of these movies. The rest of us: We watch them for the euphoric thrill of the swallow. There’s hardly anything more satisfying than the sight of a giant lizard-like cartoon creature, which looks like it was created using the processing power behind the Colecovision, swallow a tenth-rate actress who dared show too much cleavage.
The truth is, however, that for most of these movies, the kill shots and the murdering swallows are almost all entirely contained within their two-minute trailers. Why bother with the full-length movie — the gaping plot holes, the glacial pacing, the sub-human acting, and the hangover inducing scores — when the trailer contains everything you could possibly want to see? And so, I give you:
The Five Most Awesomely Crapulent Monster Face Off Movie Trailers
Boa vs. Python (2004): A giant python and a giant boa constrictor are unleashed upon one another. What is not apparent from the trailer, unfortunately, is that the Boa and the Python actually end up fucking, leaving a nest of eggs. And nobody wants to fuck with a giant boa’s babies. I’m not for certain, but I do believe that this movie was the genesis of the SyFy crapulent monster animal face off movies. Money shot: the brief flash of a hulking Schwarzenegger dude going all girly right before the python swallows him. Eeeeeeek (he looked like TK at a Drag Me to Hell screening).
Komodo vs. Cobra: This is the one I attempted to watch before growing restless — it’s not that the swallow kills weren’t thrilling. They gave me CGI hard-ons (which are completely useless, people, unless you’re into Smurfette). It’s just that they didn’t take place every 15 seconds, which meant that at least 70 minutes of the 94-minute run time didn’t involve a human traveling the length of a giant monster gullet. In this movie, a group of environmentalists make their way to an island where they discover the military has used a compound designed to make giant plants on the animal life. Hence the giant komodo and the giant cobra, which eventually fight one another as the few survivors try to make it to a helicopter before the military drops a bomb on the island. Not in the trailer: A surviving scientist reawakens from the dead with reptilian characteristics. It’s been six years. Where’s our sequel trailer?
Godzilla vs. Space Godzilla: There are dozens of Godzilla vs. movies, but the trailer for this one has to be the superior one because it features a SpaceGodzilla arriving from outer space on a jet pack(!), as well as an ability to shoot blue lasers (a corona beam) from his mouth. With Mothra gone, Godzilla is left to save the Earth from SpaceGodzilla and protect LittleGodzilla. How does Godzilla defeat SpaceGodzilla? His spiral ray, of course! This is quality crapulence, people.
Dinocroc vs. Supergator: This one hasn’t even aired yet, but it’s sure to compete with the film below for the most crapulent. It’s got David Carradine in one of his final roles, for God’s sake (footage of Carradine may or may not have been authorized). Here, you’ve got a giant crocodile against a giant alligator! What could be more compelling? Also, what is the difference between the two? Not that it matters, so long as women in bikinis are swallowed whole or at least bitten in half (the exotic locations always work in favor of nice swim wear). And why is it that people continue to think that mere bullets can cause damage to giant fucking monster animals? It’s like trying to topple the Empire State building with a sling-shot. It just can’t be done.
Megashark vs. Giant Octopus: It’s a GIANT Shark battling a GIANT Octopus! How GIANT, you ask? The octopus can knock airplanes out of the sky with its tentacles, and the shark can destroy the Golden Gate Bridge with its jaws. That GIANT. And they fight each other in a battle of GIANT proportions. And who, you ask, is tasked from saving the Earth from these GIANT prehistoric creatures? I’m glad you asked. Lorenzo Lamos and Deborah (Don’t Call Me Debbie) Gibson. It’s the “Thrilla in Manilla”! (And do check out TK’s insanely hilarious review of this film).