Television shows are a lot like relationships. You invite them into your lives, and sometimes you get really attached to them, and then the assholes abandon you, leaving you curled up with your remote control, weeping into your couch cushion, and eating ice cream. Some of us, rather than move on, will relive that relationship over and over and over, maybe get a little obsessive about it, and start wearing brown coats and saying that cool things are “shiny.” Others threaten to leave us, and occasionally, we can mount a stalking campaign that the show finds endearing, which will often save it for another year or so (though, never beyond that, and it’s hardly ever the same). Some shows are actually heightened by the thrill of the chase — a threatened cancellation at the end of each season somehow keeps us even closer together, knowing that each episode could be its last. Indeed, many of our favorite shows are the ones that don’t last long enough to exhaust every permutation (sexual position) before they shake their tight asses off into the sunset.
But then, there are the kinds of shows below. The kinds of shows that start out with great asses, but they start to sag. Our dates begin to feel repetitive. The lines that once worked begin to feel stale. We grow to hate the show sitting across the table from us. We wonder whatever happened to the witty banter, the amazing sex, the nice rack? And before long, all we want is for that show to shut it’s fucking mouth already. The most loyal among us may stick with it, all the same. Because we don’t like to do the breaking up; we’re content enough to go through the motions and wait for the show to leave us. Others with less free time (DVR space) will abandon ship when times get tough, maybe tune in for one last bit of make-up sex before the show leaves for good.
The following is a list of five shows that developed spare tires, neglected their halitosis, and began wearing sweatpants around the house. They outstayed their welcomes, and while many of us broke off the relationship before they could, in some instances, we stuck around to the bitter end, until they’d pilfered our bookshelves and walked out the door with our black T-shirts. Fuckers.
Honorable mentions: too many to count, but “Nip/Tuck” and “Heroes” are among the worst offenders.
5. “The Office” — Oh, “The Office!” We loved the British version of you so much, with its ass that wouldn’t quit and its cutting humor, that we had to have an American version for ourselves. And we fell in love with it, all the same. You made us laugh. You made us cry. You worked your way into our hearts with Jim and Pam. And sometimes, you fucked us against uncomfortable surfaces, and we loved you for it. Then Jim and Pam had to go get married, and now it’s beginning to feel like our own marriages. A little dull. Repetitive. The smirks aren’t amusing like they once were; they’re kind of obnoxious. Your boyish good looks have faded, and the unsightly veins have begun to appear. We still like you. We just don’t like like you anymore. We’re still available for a booty call, though.
4. “Weeds”: Damn, “Weeds.” You were dirty right out of the gate. You did some things to us that we had never had done to us before. You had legs up to the ceiling, and you worked those thighs and moved that ass. It was hot. We couldn’t get enough. We were insatiable! … And then, you got a little weird on us. Actually, you got more and more weird. And that dirty, nasty bathroom stall intercourse turned into something else. Something fetishistic. Something we weren’t really all that comfortable with. No! We’d rather you didn’t stick things up there. Don’t get us wrong: We still like to bump uglies. But it feels so soulless now. There’s no humanity left. We thought it was hot when we were banging a smoking Mom; come to find out, we were fucking a monster. And sex with monsters just ain’t for us.
3. “Friends”: You were so sweet and funny. We thought you were really cute. You never gave us a blowy under the bleachers or anything, but you were always good for a few laughs and really comfortable, affectionate lovemaking. For a while, at least. The problem was, by the end, you were still making the same moves, you were just moaning louder. You just didn’t seem that into it, anymore. You weren’t really trying; it’s like you got what you wanted out of the relationship, and the rest was just lip service. The sparks died. We stopped having sex, sometimes for weeks at a time. We just sat next to each other on the couch and kind of shrugged in silence. In fact, by the time you left us, we barely even realized you’d gone. Hey, but thanks for the memories. Sometimes, late at night, when we’re bored, we’ll still read those old love letters and remember what it was once like. We really loved our Thanksgivings together.
2. “Scrubs”: We weren’t sure about you in the beginning. You made us laugh, but you were a little gangly. But the more we got to know you, the more we began to see what was underneath. During the middle of that relationship, we actually fell in love. Hard. You brought us into the broom closet, and you made sweet sweet love to us. It was all very romantic. But then, things began to get a little missionary. And then you got a little goofy. Maybe it was some sort of middle-aged crisis, but you actually seemed to lose your sense of maturity as the relationship grew longer. Sure, every once in a while, you could still touch us in that special, special way. But most of the time, it was fairly routine. Although, I have to admit: The final break-up sex was fucking mind-blowing. And after sex like that, you don’t come back for an encore, man. Everything after it is just going to pale in comparison. You got greedy.
1. “The X-Files”: In the beginning, “X-Files,” you were kind of ugly. But the more we got to know you, the more we began to realize that you were “ugly hot.” Oh, man: and the freaky shit you could do to us. Remember that thing with the thing? Holy shit. And really, for nearly five years, it was mind-blowing orgasms week after week after week. Funky, straight-up weird sex that tickled the backs of our throats. Like nothing we’d ever experienced. God, it was hot. Sweat-drenched, back-of-the-riding-lawnmower fucking. But then you stepped out on us with that movie — and sure, we got to watch, which was nice. But when you came back to us, it wasn’t the same anymore. You let yourself go. You packed on some pounds. You started wearing a ponytail to bed every night and those granny panties with the giant holes in them. But we stuck around, though, didn’t we? Cause it was so good for so long that we thought we could get it back. But then what did you do? You brought in someone new. Some old-ass wrinkly dude. What? You didn’t think we’d notice? And then you stopped showing up, and left us with those strangers. That wasn’t cool. We didn’t want to get our hang lows nasty with them. I mean, we did. But it wasn’t fun. It didn’t feel good. We felt abandoned, and the only reason we kept banging those strangers was because it was Friday night, and we didn’t have anything better to do. So, thanks for that. Thanks for ditching us and leaving us with the ugly people with the funky breath. Assholes.